Boyfriend takes MDMA and it bothers me.

[dancinfool]

I've been going out with my boyfriend for a year (I'm 23, he's 24 so not really teenagers, sorry, but I used to use this forum a lot and trust that people still give good advice!).

He's quite open about the fact he takes MDMA (ecstasy, I literally only realised they were the same thing today, showing just how clueless I am...); and advocates it as far better than alcohol in terms of price, and the fact the 'comedown' isn't as bad a hangover, for him anyway. He says that he always has a good time taking it, can stay up late. He only takes it maybe once every couple of months, studies drugs academically so has a fair idea of the risks and is careful where he buys it/doesn't take it with alcohol (usually!); so he doesn't see any problem.

He is used to taking it in groups where everyone is, which used to be with his ex and her group of friends, and recently has been with his sister.

He's only taken it once whilst out with me, and I didn't know/realise until afterwards (he hadn't planned to in advance but he met some people he knew who offered him some). It makes you really chatty with strangers, which to me not being on it, felt like he was chatting up other girls, not something I have ever felt when he's not taken anything (or even if we've been drinking). It made me feel a bit shitty and I didn't have the best night. I told him so afterwards and he apologised. In general I try not to have too strong opinions on it, but I've made it very clear I don't want to try it/take it.

I'm obviously a bit worried about the health effects although I think in general he is quite careful, and I feel that since I drink alcohol which is just as bad for you, I can't really preach. I also have no idea how often people are prosecuted for possession but he wants to be a teacher and it is a class A drug, if caught it would be a nightmare.

My more immediate concern is that we're supposed to be going to a festival together, and the past two years he's gone, they haven't drunk at all, they've just taken MDMA. The more I think about it, the more I think that 3 days of being together just the two of us with him on MDMA would be not very much fun. I don't know if his sister is also planning to come or not but if they both take it that doesn't make much difference. I don't know whether to give him the ultimatum of either he doesn't take it at all or I just don't go. I'm mainly worried about it because if he agrees not to take it and then after a couple of drinks changes his mind that would cause a major argument, and because I don't want to feel like I'm trying to control his behaviour.

Sorry for the massive essay. Has anyone been in a similar situation and should I give him the 'ultimatum' about the festival?

[Always *]

I think you definitely need to talk to him about this. He doesn't sound like he's being responsible, and it's almost worse that he's educated about drug use so he probably is some how justifying that he's got it under control. He might even just do it occasionally/rarely, but that's enough to get caught and that's enough to lose a teaching career if caught and that's enough to go horribly wrong... I'm thinking about marijuana here, but I'm sure it can happen with other drugs, marijuana actually increases your risks for psychosis, it's foolish not to take the risk of having a psychotic break into consideration when using pot, just like it would be to not take such risks seriously when using MDMA, just cause it's not likely to happen and it's been ok so far doesn't make it a good idea....

Any how, yeah so in short you definitely need to start by talking to him about how uncomfortable you are, make sure you tell him about the risks and all that and why it bothers you so much. Tell him you undertand that he thinks he's got it under control but that thinking so just isn't good enough for you etc.

And then I think you should talk to him about the festival. It doesn't have to be an ultimatum (which always seems to have a degree of unfairness to it... But hey, this seems completely fair and is still technically an ultimatum so what ever). You should tell him you are not interested in being there with him if he's going to be high the whole time, it is something that clearly makes you uncomfortable and he shouldn't expect you to stand about watching him while he's high if you do not like it. If you tell him how much it bothers you that might make it better. And he might agree not to use it.

If he doesn't agree are you really willing to give up the festival though? Could you maybe just maybe go alone and meet other people there and tell him that he will not be there with you so long that's his choice. If you choose not to go then that's up to you... But it's not like he wants to, idk, ride a dirt bike while at the festival. Drugs aren't a fun little game and you are in your right to be uncomfortable with it. So don't feel guilty for standing up for it.

[dancinfool]

Thanks for the advice. Having done quite a bit of reading on my own, I think that in some ways he is correct, the risk posed to him by taking MDMA is actually not very different, if at all different, to the risks I take by drinking alcohol. (There doesn't seem to a single study that proves its harmful in the long term where the participants have taken only MDMA rather than MDMA along with other drugs - it has been implicated in deaths from things like heat exhaustion of people who drink alcohol and dance lots and don't drink water - he doesn't mix it with alcohol). So I don't really feel justified using that as an excuse as to why I think he shouldn't do it. (The fact its illegal, whether he agrees with it or not, is more of an issue, in my opinion, and the fact he isn't really himself when he's on it).

And yeah, I'm willing to give up the festival if necessary - I've been to festivals in the past and enjoyed it, but this particular one is known for being really fun but a bit 'druggy'. If I didn't go with him, the only other person I know who might go is a close friend who will probably also take drugs when he's there. Also its sort of his 'thing' - he's been the past two years with firstly his ex & her friends, and last year with his sister, so if I choose not to go they can go as a pair again.

Now just need to bring it up... Thanks!

[Always *]

Your totally in your right to be bothered by the fact that it is illegal and that he isn't himself while he is on it, that is definitely something you should emphasis when talking to him instead of trying to make a big thing out of the physical/mental dangers.

I hope he'll listen!

[dancinfool]

We had a good talk about it yesterday, where he said that he felt bad about the one time he had taken it without telling me/asking me about it first, and that he definitely wouldn't have done so had it been just the two of us rather than in a larger group. He said that he won't take it when we're out together since it bothers me, and we have left the festival decision til nearer the time. I guess I'm still a tiny bit worried about kind of long term implications (he said something along the lines of 'I wouldn't want the opportunity to take it on occasion to be taken away from me', although he also said he wouldn't want to still be taking it when he's 40...) but for now I'm really glad we talked about it. Thanks again!