Triggering (Abuse): Reassuring a worried girlfriend

[dr2005]

(The trigger warning is just me being cautious - hopefully this shouldn't be triggering, but I'm not one for taking chances!)

So, I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 6 months now and things are going great. We get along really well, enjoy each other's company, we're very intimate and can both genuinely see a long future together. It's certainly the happiest I've been in a long time, and I genuinely feel very fortunate that things are going this well after a very long dry spell on the relationships front.

Unfortunately, it's not all sunshine and roses. My girlfriend was abused by one of her exes a few years ago (both emotionally and physically, from what I understand), and subsequent boyfriends haven't treated her particularly well. This means that every so often, she gets really worried if I don't respond to texts for a while (which I will admit is one of my weak points), or if I don't sound too talkative on the phone. She's also got serious self-confidence issues (understandably in light of the past), which means I spend a fair amount of time challenging negativity and having to reassure her about a number of things, including our sex life. I don't mind doing so - I have no complaints in any department, without going into too much detail - but I'm worried that she feels this insecure. It's not going to drive us apart by any means (she's not the first insecure person I've known, or that I've dated, and I really do love her), but I want to try and help her to know that I'm not going anywhere and to feel as loved as I do.

As such, I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions as to things which might help put her mind at ease so that when I say something to reassure her she knows I definitely mean it. I'm not expecting any quick fixes, but as my own arsenal doesn't quite seem to be doing the job I felt it was worth opening to the floor to see if I've missed a trick somewhere.

Thanks all.

[Lil sis]

Make her chocolate cake and tell her you love her. That's how you reasure ANY girl... Unless she's allergic to cake.... Then don't give her cake...

[Catharsis.]

From what I've read in your post, it certainly seems like you're doing as much as you can to reassure her, and I encourage you to carry on doing that, as you are, maybe with a little tweaking.

I can relate. Both my girlfriend and I need reassurance from each other quite often with respects to a variety of things I won't get into. Like you, I'm more than delighted to reassure her, and she's more than delighted to do the same for me, since we bloody well mean the world to each other. We were each other's best friends before we started dating, and now we're each other's first loves. And, well, you said yourself you don't expect any quick fix to the situation, and I'm pretty sure there isn't one, as much as I wish there was. It's something that one has to work on for quite a while, to tell the truth.

There are a couple of tips I can give, which you may or may not be doing as it is. Try to surprise her, if you can. Maybe just an adorable text message or picture she'll wake up to. Anything simple. One would be surprised the difference it can make to someone. If you want to reassure her you're not going anywhere, keep reminding her, when you can. Just pop in something about how you never want to leave her, how you'll love her forever, etc.

Overall, it definitely seems like you're doing quite a lot for her, and fair play to you for that. Note that I am not in any shape or form experienced on the dating front, and somebody else probably would have a better perspective. I do hope I helped somewhat, and I wish you and your girlfriend the best!

[Brandon]

I'm going to comment on everything individually. I've got a little bit of personal experience with this sort of topic, and I've actually got a lot of things to say. I hope that, in the end, it provides you with new perspective.

Originally Posted by dr2005

So, I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 6 months now and things are going great. We get along really well, enjoy each other's company, we're very intimate and can both genuinely see a long future together. It's certainly the happiest I've been in a long time, and I genuinely feel very fortunate that things are going this well after a very long dry spell on the relationships front.

I'm glad that you recognize your fortune. One thing that I'd like to remind you, as you progress through the relationship, to not let your feelings get ahead of you. I know it feels great to be in a relationship, and it should feel great, but if there comes a point where your happiness depends the relationship, you're setting yourself up for failure. Your original post doesn't indicate any sign of that, so I'm just saying this to kind of keep you looking the right direction. When you're busy helping your girlfriend and having a good time together, we forget about ourselves. Eventually, if you haven't already, you may feel like not only is your girlfriend a part of your life, but she is your life. If it is, or has become, the case, I want you to understand that it may potentially work against you down the road if your relationship were to reach a certain point of negativity.

Originally Posted by dr2005

Unfortunately, it's not all sunshine and roses.

I wouldn't say it's unfortunate. Every relationship is going to have problems, and I think that relationships that have issues every now and then can really help the relationship grow. I'd say it's actually fortunate because people who are dating people with trust issues can really use the issues of the relationship to not only make the relationship stronger, but develop that sort of trust that she lacks due to her past relationships. If you encounter an issue and she feels vulnerable, you can really sit down with her and solve your issues together, and it'll really help her out. If I was in your girlfriend's situation, I would be a little bit scared when bad things happen because I'd only anticipate you to either physically or mentally abuse me. But if you are able to sit down with me and talk about our issues, come to a conclusion, and I don't get physically or mentally abusive, I will eventually doubt my feelings towards relationships in general and eventually consider you an exception. If you want to make an impression on your girlfriend, you will use the bad side of the relationship to your advantage so that you can show her that you're serious about the relationship, want to try fixing problems, and that you're not going to do anything to hurt her. I would actually say that you are fortunate to have issues in the relationship, because this would be a good opportunity for you to show her that you are willing to be vulnerable together.

Originally Posted by dr2005

This means that every so often, she gets really worried if I don't respond to texts for a while (which I will admit is one of my weak points), or if I don't sound too talkative on the phone.

In the beginning of the relationship, my ex had issues answering phone calls and text messages. After a while, though, I learned more about her and realized that she wasn't trying to avoid me, but that's what she does. It was one of her "weak points." Ultimately, this situation is best dealt with through compromise. You KNOW it's one of your weak points, so you really gotta work on that and show that you're taking initiative. No, she can't expect you to answer every phone call or every text message right away, but you can't wait forever to respond to a text message or respond to a phone call. If it's a text message and it's not important, say you're busy and you'll text back when you get the chance. If it's a phone call, you really have to establish an understanding. If you're working, she needs to know when you're working. Have a piece of paper or let her know when you're working. Eventually, what you want to happen is that she only calls you at work for emergency purposes only; that way, if you receive a call during work, you know it's important...otherwise she wouldn't have called you. If she knows your schedule, she'll know when and when to not try and get in contact with you. No, she doesn't need to know what you're doing at all times, but you gotta let her know the best times to call you so that you're more likely to answer. Also, she can't get clingy towards you and try to text message you throughout the day and call you throughout the day. She has her own life to attend to, and sometimes she has to understand that you're not always going to answer phone calls right away, and sometimes you're not going to answer text messages right away. I'm sure at some point, she'll realize that you're not a bad person and have legitimate reasons for not responding quickly, but you also have to do YOUR share by showing more initiative. After all, if you seriously don't have time to answer a phone call or respond with a quick text, then you probably don't have time for a relationship. It's all about compromises, and that's how all relationship issues should be dealt with. So you gotta find a way so that you can make a sacrifice, and she can make a sacrifice.

Originally Posted by dr2005

She's also got serious self-confidence issues (understandably in light of the past), which means I spend a fair amount of time challenging negativity and having to reassure her about a number of things, including our sex life. I don't mind doing so - I have no complaints in any department, without going into too much detail - but I'm worried that she feels this insecure. It's not going to drive us apart by any means (she's not the first insecure person I've known, or that I've dated, and I really do love her), but I want to try and help her to know that I'm not going anywhere and to feel as loved as I do.

I don't mean to scare you, Dave, but here's something that you need to consider. My ex-girlfriend had issues in self-confidence, and I also did everything in my power to reassure her that she's beautiful and everything. When my ex-girlfriend lost a lot of weight, I started becoming less attractive to her. Now that she had all that glowing confidence, she used that as part of an excuse to break-up with me...how she's not in love with me anymore because I don't look as good as I used to. The problem with dating people with self-confidence issues and whatnot isn't the possibility that you'll be spending extra time reassuring her that everything is okay; the problem is that, sometimes, when they get their self-confidence back, they could become a different person. Unfortunately, regardless of what I did to help her feel better about herself didn't make any difference in her decision to break-up with me. My ex-girlfriend doesn't remember me now as the boy who told her she was beautiful everyday and all that jazz; she remembers me as the boy who was "awful at sex," "a loser," and etc. I'm not going to say it's going to happen, but I will say that it could happen, and that's something that you need to consider as you progress through the relationship. Unfortunately, don't think (if you do), that doing nice things for her is going to increase your chances of the relationship lasting. It might, but once that relationship reaches a certain point of negativity...it's not gonna make as much of a difference as you think it will. If bad things happen, you really don't want to feel like everything you did was basically for nothing. If you spend your time reassuring her all these things, maybe almost to the point of frustration, do so without any ulterior motive (if that's the case). Do it simply because you care about her, and you want to prepare her for the future...even if it's not with you. In reality, it may not be.

If you spend time reassuring her that you're not going anywhere, that's not exactly the approach you should take. I don't mean to be all philosophical in this thread, but you really don't know what's going to happen in the future. A lot of things could change whether it's 6 months or 2 and a half years. Reassuring her that you're not gonna leave her is nice, but it almost traps you and puts you into a situation where you lose either way. If you say I'm not going to leave you, that means you're not gonna leave them. If you tell her that you're not gonna leave her, you're putting certainty in her mind in a world where almost everything is uncertain. You're leading her to believe something that is not necessarily true. What you need to say is "right now, I really love our relationship, and I don't see us breaking-up or anything like that anytime soon." In the end, you're reassuring her that things are still good in the present moment, but you're also saying that I don't want to tell you something that may not be true. Right now, it's definitely true. If you feel like marrying this woman and everything but that's the thing...so did my ex-girlfriend and I, yet she broke up with me just a couple months after I met her family. We were talking about our future as if it was certain. The best thing that you can do for her is reassure her that you don't plan on leaving her anytime soon, you'll try your best to work the relationship out if things start to deteriorate, you won't try to manipulate her in the end, and if you feel that the relationship is going to end, you'll let her know. Kinda like a UPS delivery update. Communication is really important, but more important for a person who has trust issues. Reassure her, but be realistic. Compromise your issues. Make an impression. Be the boyfriend that was different than the rest.

[shufflebug360]

Give her a box of expensive chocolates and sit with her to watch her fave movie! I know this from experience because I was really depressed and my boyfriend came round with a box of extremely expensive chocolates and we sat on the couch watching twilight new moon and I was basically in his arms the whole movie! I felt better afterward!

[dancinfool]

On the text message front, one thing I would say is to make sure that you sometimes (even regularly! :P) send text messages without her sending one first, at random times of the day. Even if its just a short message saying what you are doing or telling her about something that made you think of her. My boyfriend does this and I have to say it makes me feel a lot more secure - if someone takes a while to reply and you're feeling a bit paranoid you might wonder, but if only yesterday morning he sent you a text 'unasked' for then that helps. If you already do this then I take it back! :P If it would help, maybe you could even set a reminders on your phone to do so.

[jasperwolfe]

The only thing I can think to tell is that you should make sure she knows things aren't her fault. And make sure that you aren't having her do anything she doesn't want to do.