Clingy Boyfriend

[rebellionized]

I went to a 12 hour lock in last Friday with my friends and a whole bunch of other people, and I met this guy I added on Facebook (we have a lot of mutual friends) and we talked off and on every time we bumped into each other. I kind of felt a little interest between us. When I got home and went to bed (I had been up for 26 hours by this point) and finally caught up on all of my sleep, he had messaged me on Facebook and we were talking about the lock in and such, and he asked me if I liked him. Which I came to a conclusion that I did in fact like him.
Cutting to he point, he's really freaking clingy. I've asked him to give me some space, I've asked him to back off a little. He even admits he's clingy. If I don't reply to a text within 5 minutes (I always forget to check my phone from time to time) he sends like 1 or 2 texts saying "are you there?" "babe are you there?". 3/4 of our conversations are of him telling me he misses me. Okay, I understand you miss me, I miss you too. But really. And here's the part that is getting me, we've only been dating for 5 days, and he's telling me he loves me. Keep in mind I got out of a nine month relationship 5 months ago. So to tell someone "I love you", especially when we've only been dating for 5 days , is unrealistic. And he also knows that I don't like it when he tells me he loves me.
I've talked to friends who have had a little experience with dating boys before (where I have only dated girls), and even they are telling me things that I have tried/already know.
And I just don't know what to do any suggestions?

[PSY]

I understand that you like this guy... but if he makes you feel uncomfortable, tense, etc. due to his being clingy, then you either need to have a serious conversation with him and set firm rules about what he can and cannot do, or you need to end the relationship before deeper feelings get in the way of making logical decisions. I have seen boys/men like him before, and they tend to become manipulative (intentionally or unintentionally) if you don't address their issues right away. He may not fully realize how uncomfortable he's making you feel, and he could also be excited about the idea of being in a new relationship (hence the over-the-top behavior). If you set firm rules with him (e.g., "Only text me once - don't keep sending me texts, just wait for me to respond") and he disregards them, then it may be best to end the relationship. Trust me, you'll find someone else who can be loving AND respect your boundaries... and he'll learn a valuable life lesson that can be applied to future relationships.

[Satine]

It sounds like that feels pretty awkward for you.

The central issue seems to be that he wants a certain level of closeness, and you want another. You are both entitled to what you want, but the difference is making the relationship tricky.

Are you asking how to change him, or do you want to change something in yourself so that he seems easier to cope with? If you want to change him, then that would be next to impossible because the only person who can change him is himself.

If you want to change yourself, then is it your beliefs or your behaviours you'd rather change (or possibly both)? If you change something you believe then you may find his clingy behaviour easier to manage, and if you change something in your behaviour then he may respond differently to you (but that isn't for certain).

I don't think clinginess is gender-specific, by the way, so I doubt it's particularly a 'boy' thing.

One thing you may want to try is setting up boundaries. This means making a solid agreement with him about what you are prepared to accept and what you are not. Perhaps you might try something like, "I'm only going to check my phone once every hour, so if you don't get a reply, I want you to be aware that that is why." Decide carefully on whether or not to do this. An agreement like this is likely to lead to him feeling very anxious so it may not actually stop him from texting too much, but it might be a good way of getting him to consider what he is thinking and doing.

He may also find that you insisting on boundaries like this is too much for him to tolerate, if he really needs as much response from you as he is asking for. So be aware that this may put too much stress on the relationship. As I said, choose this path carefully. If you choose to do this, make sure you are very clear with him about what you are asking of him: tell him you'll only check your phone every however-long. If you don't clarify this, he may wonder what is happening and why you are suddenly being inexplicably distant, and may believe you are playing mind-games with him. This is best avoided. Being clear with him is the best you can do to eliminate this, although again, his anxiety may block him from really understanding that you're serious about this.

The idea of boundaries are similar with him telling you he loves you. Can you make a solid agreement with him about that? Perhaps he might insist on continuing to tell you he loves you, but that you agree that while you accept this as something he needs to do, you will both be clear about the fact that for now, you will not say it back. So long as you have communicated about this, you have done all you can do to help the relationship.

This is not guaranteed to succeed, but I think the aim here is to see if you can reconcile the differences in each of your needs for closeness. If you are unable to tolerate his, or if he finds that he needs more closeness than you are prepared to give, then you may need to think again about whether this relationship is right for you. But it may well be worth experimenting with boundaries to see if that will help you both.

Good luck!

[Your_Friend]

Well I think you must move with him.He may be caring and loving but that doesnt mean that he is bad
Rest you decision
Or if any advice you need,just PM me

[Rivière]

I've previously been with a guy who was rather clingy. If I told him I was busy and that I couldn't see him he'd still make implications that I should come over to see him such as, "I'm free <days> if you want to come over" and he'd keep doing things like this even though he knew I couldn't see him for reasons of my health, my home and my education. I'd explain to him that I could only see him on Sundays but even though I'd explained and repeated these things to him, he wasn't understanding any of it. Although we'd been in the relationship for nearly 3 years, the actual problem right from the start was he was actually just lonely. People do some really strange thigns when they're lonely and sometimes they don't even realise it. They can be really suffocating and hard to deal with, even if we like them. If after you've established boundaries with your boyfriend and after 2 weeks or even less and he continues with the same old thing, it may be a good idea to reconsider your relationship with him whether you like him or not. Some people like yourself may not be able to deal with such heavily clingy behaviour. I know I wasn't. It made it worse that like you, if I didn't respond to his text messages he'd text again and again or even message me over Facebook or get annoyed with me because I wasn't responding quick enough when he knew full well he was doing the very thing a member of my own family was doing which was already hard to deal with. Besides his feelings of loneliness it was also a matter of the fact I was his first ever girlfriend and he didn't really know how to act. Maybe this is the same for your boyfriend? Even if he has had a girlfriend before, he may not know how to act if he's actually very into you unlike his previous girlfriend(s) and so this is something to consider as well.

[The Friendly Star]

Its just a phase chick i went through it when i was younger, i had a very clingy girlfriend but would you rather them clingy or never messaging you and you getting paranoid..id die for a clingy girlfriend, shows she cares and thats all is on her mind is you