Help with confidence and dating a new person

Hey guys!

So I recently began seeing someone new. This is a person I have known for a few years now, and have had previous interest in (and vice versa), but the timing never seemed right. Recently we got back into contact, though, and decided that we might try to develop something beyond plain friendship. Our first date was last week, and it was very successful. We had an amazing time, and (I hope) we will have more in the future. Our second date is tomorrow, so we will see how that goes. But in the meantime, I wanted to ask for some advice about how to make this go as successfully as possible.

Last week I was incredibly nervous before the date. A little nerves are common for me, but I was so nervous I almost backed out at the last minute, something I have never done before. I chalked it up to other stressors, and it took me a while to relax before I could actually enjoy myself.

I thought it just maybe had to do with the first date, but as my date tomorrow approaches I find myself just as nervous, and I don't know why. I have known this person a long time. He's a great guy. We seem to really like each other. I've thought that maybe it's BECAUSE I really want this to work. I've also thought it's because I had a break-up only a couple of months ago and didn't expect to date someone, let alone possibly like someone as more than a casual thing, so soon. I just want to make sure that it goes well, but I almost feel like my nervousness is getting in the way. I've tried all the tricks: calm music beforehand, deep breathing and meditation, to no avail: I still get incredibly nervous.

In addition, I have a tendency to get ahead of myself when I like someone. We seem really compatible, and in my own way I am being cautious (weighing the pros and cons VERY carefully of pursuing something), but I am also kind of in it, so to speak. But while I think we are on a similar page based on our discussions, I can't help but feel like I'm more...excitable. I think he is still assessing whether this is something that works, whereas I already know I wish to pursue it. So how do I dial it back a bit? I've done so outwardly (at this point he knows where I stand), but it's harder to do so inwardly. I just don't want to let myself get into a situation where my feelings get hurt.

Any help is appreciated. Thank you.

[PSY]

Hey there! I think the nervousness is fairly normal, given the circumstances. You have known this guy for a long time, so if things don't work out and end badly for whatever reason, you could potentially lose a long-time friend. There's more at stake than there would be if you just met him a few weeks or months ago.

You may be eager to solidify things, which can lead to impatience. Sometimes, impatience can feel similar to nervousness (being "on edge," for example), so it's good that you're trying to dial things down a bit. It's okay for you to take some time to solidify things, especially since you recently went through a break-up.

Are you two considering an exclusive relationship, or a polyamorous relationship? I'm sure you're aware it's important to be on the same page regarding that... but it's also important to be comfortable with the final decision. If he wants an exclusive relationship, but you've been in more polyamorous relationships than exclusive relationships, then you may feel nervous about committing to something that isn't typical for you. On the flip side, you may worry about how well he would be able to handle a polyamorous relationship, or how well the two of you would be able to integrate everything into your relationship (including other partners).

For now, I would continue to experiment with ways to relax, including the obvious: remember that nothing bad has happened yet! Your first date went well, so don't assume the second (or third, fourth, etc.) will be a disaster. There's more evidence to suggest it'll go well than not. =)

Thanks, Robin. The second (and unexpected) third dates did go well. I know by this point that we obviously click. My current worries focus more on keeping things dialed down, which is proving a bit difficult, because I'm a passionate person and when I have a new intense connection with someone I want to experience as much of it as I can. Do you have any suggestions as to how to maybe do a better job of this?