I want to break up with my girlfriend but...

[brennathebunny]

I've been dating this girl for 6 months, and at the beginning things were really great. Now its at the point where we fight all the time, shes emotionally blackmailing me, and i just I dont feel happy in the relationship anymore. I dont want to be around her or talk to her most of the time. Our relationship is unhealthy and our friends and parents and I can realize that.

She gets upset over the simplest things, for example if I''m not comfortable with PDA, she'll threaten to hurt herself because in her opinion, it means I'm ashamed to be dating her. If I dont want to have sex with her it means Im disgusted by her. Really, she threatens to hurt herself or does hurt herself in front of me whenever I do something "wrong", so I always end up doing things Im not comfortable with to make her happy.

She thinks were going to be together forever, and whenever she talks about us getting married I agree because I'm stupid and I dont want her to hurt herself. She says if i left her she would never find someone else, because shes never felt like this before and she doesnt think she would again. She always says if we broke up she would kill herself. (I have to take that seriously because last time someone broke her heart, she landed herself in the hospital)

So I really am stuck here, because I know this relationship is bad for me and my health, but I dont want to be responsible for her acctions if I do break up with her.

[Owl]

Hi Brenna. That is a really horrible and difficult situation to be in.

It sounds like she is in a really bad place right now and needs help, but that doesn't mean you should have to be in a relationship you don't want to be in, or feel responsible for breaking up with her. She shouldn't take this out on you, this sounds like a controlling technique to keep you from leaving. I think in a situation like this, the only option you really have is to get help from someone else. She won't appreciate it, but it sounds to me that that might be the only thing you can do. Unless she is already seeing a professional herself, in which case you could get in contact with them and try to explain it to them? If you can encourage her to see someone herself, that would be great. Otherwise, I'm not sure how old you both are, but you could talk to her parents or a professional. In many cases it would be unfair to force them into getting help, but when someone is forcing you to do something you don't want to, you don't have many options.

Either way, you shouldn't be stuck in a relationship you don't want to be in. If you can help her find someone to talk to and calm down before breaking up with her, that would be great.

If you end up feeling able to break up with her, just be direct but gentle about it. If she makes a threat, tell her that it is unfair and that she is making you feel guilty and trapped due to her threats. Leave and if you have ANY doubt that she might really hurt herself, call 911 or the equivalent for your area and tell them exactly what happened. Let the professionals deal with it. If she really is serious about it, you aren't equipt to deal with it, and its better for everyone involved for you to just let someone trained to do it to help out.

Just make sure you remember that whatever happens is NOT your responsibility. If she were to make a stupid decision, that is horrible, but it was her choice, not yours. You can't save someone when they are set on doing something, and if you try to it can just be worse for both of you.

I hope some other people reply here to offer some different angles. Have a look on the internet for some information too, I just had a quick look and there is a surprising amount of it. Good luck, I hope everything works out alright for you both. Let me know what you think and feel free to send me a message about anything if you need.

[Skeleton]

You shouldn't feel like you have to stay with her because of what she threatens to do if you don't want to be in the relationship anymore. Do you know anyone who could be there for her, like her parents or a friend? If you took them to the side and explain the situation to them, they can be there for her when you break up or even tell them afterwards so that she isn't going to be alone and do something to hurt herself.

I think Owl said it pretty well!

It's not your responsibility to take care of her if she's making such severe threats. You have to get her help, help from professionals who are trained to deal with people in danger of harming themselves or others. I really hope things work out for you, it isn't fair for you to be put through this. If you want to talk, I am here.

Someone who harms themselves is making a choice to do so. It is common for them not to take responsibility for it, to say that stress or depression or feel numb or still something else drove them to do it, but in the end it's a choice they make, not one somebody else makes for them. If your girlfriend were to harm herself after your break-up, that does not fall on your shoulders; that is her choice, independent of anything you did or could do.

Your girlfriend may feel for you what she thinks is love, and it is certainly possible she does love you very much. But that love is shadowed by something else much more powerful, and that's dependency. Your girlfriend feels she literally needs you to be happy. I suspect because she has such low self-worth she relies on you to fill her up, make her whole, and tell her she's something special, because she doesn't believe it. Just as much as she loves you, she's afraid of losing you because her drug of choice, you, will no longer be there, and the emptiness will come back to haunt her.

I say this because I've been through it. I was in your girlfriends shoes. And I did the same thing she's doing to you to my partners (although not with threats, just with actions). I've been there, and that's how I can say that it is a choice she is making.

You cannot stay with her because she threatens you. That is not a real relationship; that is a hostage situation. And you do not deserve that. You don't deserve to live in constant fear that she will harm herself. Eventually, it will most likely bring you down as well.

My suggestion is to let go, gently, but firmly. Let her know that the relationship is damaging and not healthy, and you can no longer be in it for your own sake. Let her know that, at this point, you are unable to help her. If you can, try and arrange some support for her before you break it off. If you think you can stay distanced enough but still be friends, do so, but if you have any doubts, you should cut things off completely. Let her know that your dearest hope is for her to get help, because you believe she can get better, and because you know that she has good inside her, even if she can see it. But that you can no longer be her pillar.

I wish you good luck. Feel free to PM me if you ever need anything.

[brennathebunny]

Thanks for your responses everyone, I'm still trying to make my final decision but it really helped to get feedback and affirmation about this