My boyfriend got another girl pregnant...

[Bethivy]

So just days before we got together (still seeing each other and sleeping together but not officially together) my boyfriend had a one night stand with another girl and about a month ago she had a baby and is claiming its his.
I need help in regards to, I am having a lot of trouble accepting the situation and I just don't know what to do.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this situation, without a black and white, just break up with him. Because I do love him and I don't know if I feel I can leave him and live with my decision, but I also don't know if I can accept the child. Like I could if the mother wasn't around, but because she is, everything is much harder because I have mental health issues like depression and whenever he sees her and the child, my paranoia kicks in and I just lose it.

[Lizzie]

The mother of his child and his child are never going to go away. That is always going to be a constant in his life from now on.

You two are not officially together? Why is this? You say that you love him, so why are you not a couple? I personally would not be planning my life around someone who does not want to be in a relationship with me. This is a lot to take on in a relationship and if he doesn't want to commit to you, you might want to reconsider committing to him.

At the end of the day, his child will always come first, not you. Some people are not comfortable with that and that's OK. But I think you really need to consider how you feel about the entire situation and not just him. There are plenty of guys out there for you to love that are not in complicated situations like this.

Hey there,

I think you need to take some time and consider your options because as stated the baby is going to come first in your boyfriends life and due to this the mother of the child is not going to go away. If you decide to stay with your boyfriend you are going to have to put up with the mother of the child for as long as you two are together and that can be really difficult for some people. The fact is that when two people have a child together, regardless of if they are together, they have to continue working together to a certain extent in order to raise the child. As the partner I understand how this can take a toll on you but in the end the child's needs come first. It might help if you write out a list of pros and cons to this situation to get a better perspective of everything you would have to deal with. Sometimes when I am stuck on what to do I write out a pros and cons list and I it helps me to make a more informed decision. You have to remember that this is a situation that is not going to change and as such you have to decide if this is something you are willing to put up with for a very long time.

Is there anyone in your life that you feel comfortable talking to about all of this? Such as a family member or a counselor? Having someone to vent to about this could be helpful because you do deserve to express your emotions. I know someone that has been in a similar situation and they have been in counseling for this and it helped them deal with it quite a lot.

I hope that this helped in some way and I am wishing you the best of luck.

[Bethivy]

Originally Posted by Lizzie

The mother of his child and his child are never going to go away. That is always going to be a constant in his life from now on.

You two are not officially together? Why is this? You say that you love him, so why are you not a couple? I personally would not be planning my life around someone who does not want to be in a relationship with me. This is a lot to take on in a relationship and if he doesn't want to commit to you, you might want to reconsider committing to him.

At the end of the day, his child will always come first, not you. Some people are not comfortable with that and that's OK. But I think you really need to consider how you feel about the entire situation and not just him. There are plenty of guys out there for you to love that are not in complicated situations like this.

We are together. We have been for the last year. We weren't together when he got her pregnant, not officially together.
He is only in the childs life because I pushed him to be.

Originally Posted by .:BreakingBeautifully:.

Hey there,

I think you need to take some time and consider your options because as stated the baby is going to come first in your boyfriends life and due to this the mother of the child is not going to go away. If you decide to stay with your boyfriend you are going to have to put up with the mother of the child for as long as you two are together and that can be really difficult for some people. The fact is that when two people have a child together, regardless of if they are together, they have to continue working together to a certain extent in order to raise the child. As the partner I understand how this can take a toll on you but in the end the child's needs come first. It might help if you write out a list of pros and cons to this situation to get a better perspective of everything you would have to deal with. Sometimes when I am stuck on what to do I write out a pros and cons list and I it helps me to make a more informed decision. You have to remember that this is a situation that is not going to change and as such you have to decide if this is something you are willing to put up with for a very long time.

Is there anyone in your life that you feel comfortable talking to about all of this? Such as a family member or a counselor? Having someone to vent to about this could be helpful because you do deserve to express your emotions. I know someone that has been in a similar situation and they have been in counseling for this and it helped them deal with it quite a lot.

I hope that this helped in some way and I am wishing you the best of luck.

Thank you, I do see a counsellor for different reasons, but I will bring this up in my next session.

[Lizzie]

Originally Posted by Bethivy

He is only in the childs life because I pushed him to be.

That doesn’t guarantee that if you stopped pushing him he wouldn’t still want to be a part of the baby’s life. Now he has a bond a connection with his child and that is difficult to break.

I just wanted to make the point that it’s difficult being in a relationship with someone who has a child with another person. Because that child (and it will seem like the child’s mother as well) will always come first in his life. And quite frankly, that is how it should be. You already mentioned that you feel jealous of their time together; maybe as time passes you will feel better about the situation. But maybe you won’t. The only thing you know for sure is that he will always have a child. No matter what. And that child will have to come before you. Is that something you are willing to live with the rest of your life?

[DemonQueen]

The first thing that I would do is make him get a paternity test. If she is claiming that the child is his then they need to make sure that it is or is not really his child. As Lizzie said, being in a relationship with someone who has a child is REALLY difficult. When I got together with my boyfriend he had a relationship from a previous relationship and it was a tough schedule to work around with him. He had set days where he had her and I couldn't be around because he didn't want her to get attached to me and then when/if we broke up she would be devastated. But you really do need to think about this. You've said you're jealous and depressed and other things.. this is a really big step to take. It's not always hard accepting a significant others child into your life. For the longest time Erin (girlfriend from previous relationship) did NOT want me around Madeline at all. I had to take Madeline to the grocery store one day to get something and she totally flipped out on my boyfriend.

Why don't you suggest to him to get a paternity test done and take a step back. Think long and hard about this. You also want to talk to your boyfriend about this. Ask him what he plans on doing if it is his child, will he want to try a relationship with this girl, will he want a family with her, will he want to stay with you while he's going through this messy situation. Yes, you might love your boyfriend, but you're young and you won't want to share his attention with a child. You'll want a boyfriend that can commit 100% of himself or his time to just you. I've been with my boyfriend for two years and I always come second to his daughter and now our son and I'm OK with that. Being so young and taking in someone else's child is a HUGE thing to do and if it's not what you want to do 100% then it might be better to just part ways.

Please feel free to PM me about anything, whenever.

[Lelola]

You are 100% sure that she knows he is in a relationship with you? That you two were together officially 4 days after he had sex with her?

The dates aren't adding up unless he cheated on you or she kept it a secret for a month or two after the birth. Or even worse he did not tell you about knocking her up.

A paternity test is always a good. Then he should consider asking his parents to help get a lawyer to get his rights set. You should not help him with this financially if he cannot afford it. He should also consider having an agreement for child support. This way he knows what his legal responsibilities are and she could not play a pawn game down the line.

[scarsremindme]

i would say get a paternity test. thats the best way to tell if the baby is his.