Dating Broken Girls

[Jake M]

Ok, I'm going to start with a little bit of background for addressing this question.

Me and my most recent ex had been friends for 5 years, I was always there for her when she needed things. And that's how our relationship started.

We didn't really talk much before, but anytime something in her life happened everyone she knew would contact me and practically beg me to talk to her. Because they all knew that she trusted me and that I like to listen. Basically I helped her through a few of her ex's and then her parents divorce, eventually I fell in love with her and we dated for two years. And broke up 2 days ago.

Now my question is to everyone, should dating broken girls be a big red flag from the start. What I mean by this is, should you start dating a girl while she's in a bad place like I did. I feel a strong reason why we broke up, was because things in her life are just starting to stabilize and she really didn't need me anymore, so she got bored and has moved on. There were some other reasons too, I was insecure at the end. But, essentially is it true for all girls in general, that you shouldn't try to build a relationship with someone while they're down?

Will it always break once they're in a better place and no longer need to depend you for emotional security?

And has anyone personally built a relationship like mine and had it last for a significant amount of time. (must be a really long time, because mine lasted 2 years and the idea is that i'm trying to figure out if one can last like forever off this basis.)

Because I feel like I do best with girls that are in a bad place, I like to try to help them, and not usually with any intent for a relationship, just to help, but then I always end up developing feelings for them. 3 out of 3 of girls i ever cared about were in a bad place when i met them.

Now, I don't use girls, and would never think to, I just find that I'm more comfortable when I'm in a position of power and they just trust me. I'm not so good at developing relationships with girls who are completely confident and have their lives on track, they just don't ever seem to be the least bit interested.

Anyways, I would just like peoples opinion on this,

Thank you,
Jake

[Ɯιттʏ~]

Yep. My first and longest relationship (almost three years) was based on the fact that I comforted him when he was down and needed me.

[CrusadingAvenger]

Well, personally I've never been in an actual relationship, but I know exactly what you're talking about. In my opinion, dating someone with emotional insecurity can actually not last that long and eventually lead to the two of you breaking up. In most cases, that'll always be the most likely result. You see, if one or both of you are not feeling secure about yourselves, how can you have confidence and trust in a relationship, let alone stay on track with your own lives? I understand where you're coming from as I went through a similar experience last year. Only difference is I never got around to dating this girl, and she basically moved out of the school without saying goodbye...so yeah, I know how you feel.

[Always *]

Well i think it depends on WHY you got together. One of my friends had a lot of issues as a result of eating disorders and having genuinely abusive people in her life. Her and her boyfriend have been together. I know it can work out... But at the same time, they both have issues and she's always telling me about stuff that goes on and gets really upset about his behaviour. I kind of wish they'd just break up sometimes because I get sick of hearing about the never ending problems. I know that might sound selfish but it's out of genuine concern for her, it's like if she's always this upset because of HIM (for legitimate reasons too) it's like why doesn't she just accept she doesn't have to go through that? She's allowed to demand better and if he's not willing to be better then she needs to prove she means it when she says she expects him to change some negative behaviour patterns.

But that's just one situation.... I think it really depends. I think that people can help each other. But it has to be for the right reasons and you have to know when to say it's over.

[Eternal]

I agree that it depends on why you got together. If the whole point of the relationship is just to comfort your significant other, then you can run into problems because they might grow to feel like they can't be happy without you. And that isn't healthy because you have to be able to be happy on your own. I also think if a person is in a "broken" state, then they may not be ready to get into a committed relationship until they figure their problems out because otherwise problems can stack up and create a big problem. Relationships take effort, and if someone is already dealing with their own stuff then they may not have enough to give into a relationship which can make it fail if that makes sense.

[Always *]

That's what I meant haha... Like if your just together cause your like, each others support systems, then that can cause a problem. But if you're together cause you are genuinely happy together then that's a whole other thing. It's important that your partner makes you feel good BUT you can't depend on them to be the person who fixes all your problems.

I think people with "issues" CAN be in a relationship but I think it depends what stage they are at too, like if they need someone to be their crutch they might want to wait, but if they can separate their problems from their relationships enough to be successful then it's fine. Like my friend who I mentioned before has been doing super well with her boyfriend, overcoming her issues and doing good w/ relationship problems too. BUT that's not sto say that her problems haven't affected her relationship and her boyfriend has had to be understanding and supportive of that BUT she's never needed him to "fix" her, she just made it clear that she's dealing with X, Y and Z so that if he didn't think he could handle it he had an out

[rac146]

My bf is not my soul means of comfort by any means, and I am not with him just because I need comfort. While I have a past, and I may be "broken" in some definitions, I make it work with my boyfriend (nearly 4 years now) because I love him. There are times where I feel ok and feel good "without" him or anything else, and we celebrate those days together. When I feel down and am struggling, he is there again to help me. And visa versa. There is alot of give and take of comfort in a relationship, and just because one partner may comfort the other more doesn't mean it can't work. as long as its not the only reason you guys are together.

[PSY]

I wouldn't be worried about someone dumping me once they got to a better place mentally/emotionally. I would be worried about someone getting WORSE after I started dating them. I've seen SO MANY people become dependent on their boyfriends/girlfriends, it's not even funny. It's like they were never viewed as a boyfriend/girlfriend to begin with... they were viewed as their "savior," and that's not a good way to start off a relationship.

Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't date someone if they're going through a rough spot; however, I would use caution, because you need to think about what's best for both people at that point in their lives. For the person who is struggling: should a romantic relationship really be a top priority for them, or should they focus on getting help for themselves before trying to make another person happy? For the person who wants to help: should they cross the line from being a supportive friend to a boyfriend/girlfriend, or maintain a somewhat stricter boundary and wait until "they are themselves" again (for example, if someone is extremely depressed/suicidal and not receiving professional support, they may not be "themselves" again until they have taken medication and/or participated in therapy for a few months' time)?

[Ghost On The Highway]

Excellent advice Robin. I've been on both sides of the over-attachment problem and it really does neither party any favors. I think another complicated case, especially relevant for teenagers, is depression that arises specifically from perceiving oneself as unlovable or "forever single." If someone believes that they are unable to have a lasting relationship, that they're just being used for sex, etc. they may need a caring person to bring them out of that bad place. But it's easy to become dependent on such a person. Still, an initial positive experience can really go a long way towards raising one's self-esteem, even if the relationship doesn't last.

[SarahRose14]

Well.. I don't know much about dating, but I'm pretty damn broken so here it goes. One of my guy friends asked me out once after I had literally just tried to commit suicide. And yeah... I said yes because I liked him but it turned out he was trying to give me something to live for. When I realized that, it made me feel worse (oh sweet irony)
So yes if she's ''in a bad place'', be her friend but anything else could spell trouble