Dating single parents

[dr2005]

This is more of a dating thing than a relationship thing as the title suggests, but relationship advice is also welcome.

So, my life took a slightly unexpected twist last night. Was at a house party hosted by a friend from my latest uni course, with some of my other friends there and also some new faces (as tends to happen with these things ). Long story short, I got chatting to a girl there, we got on very well and there was clearly something there. The slight curveball is that she's a single parent and the kid's about to start primary school.

Now, admittedly at my age I'm more likely to encounter single parents in all contexts, but this is a new situation for me. It hasn't put me off, but I'm very aware that this is a very different set of circumstances to what I'm used to with dating so it's making me a little more...not cautious as such, but thinking about what I do more. So I thought I'd throw it open to the floor and see if anyone has any useful tips, be it from the perspective of someone who's dated a single parent or a single parent who's dating. Not sure how many responses it'll get but I figure it's worth a try!

So yeah...fire away.

[Always *]

I do not think that it is a big deal to date a single parent. i think one thing to consider though is how having a child might change her attitudes towards dating, maybe she'd take it more seriously, maybe not, maybe she won't take you home until it's serious enough, or maybe not.

What WOULD happen if she took you home to meet her kid? If he's older than about 2-3 years old he'll be able to identify you as someone special if your there a lot, what if he gets attached to your presence in his life and then you and this girl break up? This is why a lot of single parents won't bring dates home until it's serious, but how would that make YOU feel? I'm not using it as a deterrent, I would definitely still date her if you like her, but you might need to do a few things different than with a parentless date

So aside from how being a parent would change her dating style and whether or not you get to go to her house, I'd label those as 2 more major points. But you might also need to be understanding of her bailing last minute, say if you have a date and her kid gets sick or the babysitter bails or she can't find a babysitter at all, OR what if she called and said "hey, I can't get a sitter, i still want to go out, can we go to a more kid friendly place so Jerry can come with us?" You have to be prepared for kid related incidents. Again, it's not a detterrent, but it's sometihng you should be prepared for and the "potentials" I mentioned won't necessarily ever happen, that depends on her attitude... But it's even like she might have to take care of her kid first, so you might want to go out on a Saturday afternoon, but she needs to make sure her kid will be taken care of first if he/she isnt coming... Or it might be easier to go out after his bed time, So just make sure you are conscious of that, make plans well enough ahead of time that she can call a babysitter, don't be surprised if she has a hard time (or impossible of a time) making plans last minute. But this mostly depends on how much support she has, maybe she has a grandmother who's retired and takes her kid last minute all the time, but I'd still be extra respectful of her time any how, make plans ahead of time as often as possible and be understanding if the odd plan falls through due to a child related issue

[Lelola]

One thing to be careful about is being viewed as a parent by the child. Yes he may have a dad, but the child may also begin to associate with you. My friend's relationship that ended after a year to two years (I forget how long) ended up causing the child to begin to act out and doing poorly in school, like the kid was experiencing two parents divorcing. He helped take care of her (she's about 7) and even took her to school most days when the mom worked in the morning.

[dr2005]

Thanks for both replies - you both make very good points and ones I will take on board without doubt. How things will work out if it gets serious enough that I'm introduced to the kid (which I know would take it being very serious indeed, for obvious reasons) is probably the foremost of my concerns - we've only just started dating so it's not a major issue as yet, but it's definitely in the back of my mind. The kid is certainly old enough for issues with attachment/identification as a parent/etc to come up, so it is something I'll have to think about if it gets to that stage. And yeah, flexibility is definitely the order of the day - our first date was arranged, postponed and then went ahead in a different form all within the space of a few hours owing to childcare, so I'm going to have to be adaptable to say the least! Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Whatever happens, this is certainly an interesting experience!

[Fricks]

Atleast you sound smart about the situation. Some people will just jump into the relationship without even thinking about the kid. I know if me and my girlfriend ever broke up, it would take a very special person for me to even think about getting close to another person. I wouldn't want my son to be confused and possibly hurt over something possibly going wrong. So on the brightside it looks like she really does have a thing for you. Good luck with everything!

[Lelola]

Also, I would set boundaries too. Would the child be allowed to call you father on their own in a few years? The same friend who was helping to raise the kid (they lived together in her parents' house) was upset and deeply hurt when the mom freaked out because the daughter called him dad. He was there constantly and helping to raise her.

[Brandon]

Dating someone with a child is not exactly an easy thing to do. If you plan on getting serious with this woman, there's going to be a point where she'd feel better if you were involved with the kids. When my mom dated guys, I didn't really know about them but her relationships never really lasted that long. I think that any woman would understand the circumstances, because wanting to date a woman is extremely difficult without thinking about the potential of you becoming that "fatherly figure." It's a huge responsibility, and it's very likely that she needs financial stability with raising her kid because not a lot of single parents have the ability of raising a kid financially by themselves. So it's a real big turn-off when you may initially think about what's going to happen financially. If you really want to pursue this woman, you need to make sure that she understands the circumstances and why you're a little bit hesitant on everything. I'm sure she understands already but it's always good to make sure so that you'll know that you both see eye to eye on the issue. I think that initially, you shouldn't be obligated to be apart of the kid's life. Dating is just dating and it would be irrational to suggest that a boyfriend help take care of your child when you haven't been dating a long time. I think that you should date a woman for a long time without the kid in the picture because the kid isn't your responsibility. It's unfortunate that she's a single parent (or maybe she's fortunate depending on the circumstances of the previous relationship), but the ultimate thing is that she understands no one really thinks about having kids in a normal relationship till later on so it shouldn't really be different. If you plan on taking care of someone's child, you want to make sure that the parent of that child is worth your time and effort into taking care of that child, and sometimes you won't know if she's worth it till much later on in the relationship since people tend to marry at various times. And also, it's important for you to know that you are responsible for your life and you have no obligation to do anything until you're ready to do so. If she doesn't understand the reason for your lack of involvement with the child, then she may not be as bright as you thought she would be and you need to find a woman who doesn't have kids.

You're absolutely right about kids and age, though. As you get older, it's harder to find a woman who doesn't have a child. You could date young women, but that's a moral issue and sometimes can be a legal issue as well, unfortunately. And also, you have to consider the possibility that if you DO find a woman who doesn't have a child...it could be because she doesn't want one (and if that's something you're cool with then that's all fine but what you do want a child and she doesn't want one?) Ultimately, it could work against you in the end.

I think the best thing to do would be to pursue the woman, establish boundaries and understanding of the issue, and date for a while. If you fall in love and willing to take on some of the responsibility of being a part of the child's life, that's on your terms. But if things don't work out...no harm done because, no offense, she'd probably be better off dating another single parent anyways. It's a win-win if you just make sure you do it the right way, otherwise...things could go wrong and turn against you.

[dr2005]

Thanks for the further replies, all very helpful. (And Brandon, you didn't disappoint on the brutal honesty bit ) I've been on another date with her this evening and so far so good, but will bear all your comments in mind for future dates. I'm in no desire to rush this and potentially make a complete mess of everything - I'm just going to take it very carefully, one step at a time, and make sure I deal with everything in the right way at the right time.