Girlfriend Isn't Ready

[Guile]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year, right now it's an LDR (we know each other in person). I really love her, and she's a virgin, and I not. She's really hesitant about sexual stuff and isn't ready to have sex yet. I respect her being nervous and her anxiety, and don't want her to feel pressured? Or regret her first time or something like that, but it's getting hard for me. Coming form a relationship with sex, to not for a year, it's not really a good thing, and there's only so far masturbation will go before its just to get ride of the urge as opposed to being enjoyable (no, I don't want tips or anything). It's to the point where I am feeling sexually deprived and frustrated, but obviously don't want to pressure my girlfriend into anything. What do I do? I can't really wait any longer, but her anxiety makes doing anything kind of a challenge, let alone sex. We've tried to have this conversation between us to find a solution, but it typically just ends up in an anxiety attack, so it's not taking us anywhere, so we've put a moratorium on it. We have very good communication, but this basically just makes her go into panic mode. Obviously I can understand her being anxious and her hesitation, but it's been about a year. Her worry is that she'll lose it and we'll end up breaking up, but that won't change anytime, relationships can end after one year or five.

Any advice? I'm sick of waiting, but don't want to pressure her.

[PureStorm]

That's just not working out then. If no sex is a no-go for you then you will either have to break up and/or get sex elsewhere (with her approval if you didnt break up).

You don't need to pressure her, it's completely legit to know what you want and go for that. You gave her time, it's up to you to give her more time or make your decision.

[Adam the Fish]

Your only option - should you wish to maintain the relationship - is to be patient, as far as I can see.
Do not pressure her. It's not fair.

In saying that, remember that there is a very big difference between discussion and pressurising her.

If she's not ready, I'm afraid you need to wait, but make her feel safe and open about any discussion she may want.

[Always *]

I don't think you can pressure her at all simply cause you want to have sex and are frustrated by being deprived. You need to want to have sex for the right reasons (cause you love her, want to share that with her etc). If you can't wait until she's able to work through her anxiety around it you can always break up with her, but it'll make you look like a shallow jerk who values being able to have sex more than the relationship (maybe that not true in your point of view, but you have to realize she'll probably think that) OR you can stick it out and accept that not everyone has sex at the same time in a relationship, she'll consent to it when she's ready and if you can't love her enough to wait until she's in a place that she's ready then she deserves to be with a guy who can have the patience and self-restraint to do so.... It's not that I don't understand being sexually frustrated but you can't expect her to be ready before shes capable of being ready just because your frustrated.

Now that being said, if her anxiety issues are so severe that she can't even discuss having sex without having some kind of break down then maybe she should consider talking to a counsellor or something like that. Because it's not just about you having sex, I'd be more sympathetic about that but so clear to me that it seems her issues extend beyond just having sex. It doesn't sound like she's simply not ready, so talking to someone to work through her anxiety might help.

[Brandon]

I like how everyone pretty much immediately responded with the advice that he shouldn't pressure her. Guile very clearly stated that he doesn't want to pressure her. I'm pretty sure that part of the reason why he's even asking advice in the first place is that he's trying to come up with some solution to where he can be sexually satisfied without pressuring her to do anything. So Guile, I apologize on behalf of those responses; I know that you probably wouldn't do anything to pressure her and I respect you for coming forth and trying to come up with a logical solution to your problem.

Sexual deprivation is a real issue, and I can certainly understand your viewpoint. Waiting for a year is a really fucking long time, and I'm going to applaud you for the amount of effort you put into the relationship so far. I don't think I would've lasted that long without sex.

There are some things that just aren't adding up, however. The real question that we have to ask is "why is she hesitant on having sex?" Is it because she wants to save it for marriage? Is it because she's just not ready to have sex? Or could it be something worse? Maybe she went through a traumatic experience when she was younger that prevents her from trusting people? I assume you already know the answer to the last question considering you and her are very good at communication, but that doesn't need to be mentioned. If it's the case where something did happen to her, I would understand to a certain degree and it makes sense with all her anxiety issues with regards to sex. I'm not going to jump to conclusions, but just from my personal experience...women who have anxiety issues on the subject of sex tend to have a much deeper issue than the fact that she isn't "ready." Because, of course, we have to define what "ready" is. Being ready is not just physical, but psychological. If there's things going on in her mind preventing her from being psychologically ready to have sex, then those psychological issues need to be dealt with prior to having sex. Otherwise, you're going to lead yourself into break-up because she's going to continue claiming that she just isn't ready for sex, and you're going to get frustrated.

But what if she wants to save her virginity till marriage? Well, that's fine...however, there are many women who have the same mentality about virginity but they actively engage in oral sex with their partners. My girlfriend's best friend, religiously Catholic, gives her boyfriend oral sex (from what I gather) all the damn time. At least with oral sex, it's a sexual act that someone else is doing. Because you're getting sick of masturbation, I assume that she isn't giving you oral sex. Also, considering that you and her have talked about the subject of sex, I'm assuming that she never mentioned that she wanted to wait till marriage because you probably wouldn't have been dating this long if she told you. But if it IS the case where she actually wants to wait till marriage, then it seems like she's manipulating the truth by opening talking about sex but not mentioning that she's going to wait till marriage. If that's the case, you have a right to be frustrated because she's leading you on saying that she isn't ready for sex when she really means she's not ready for sex because she's waiting till X and Y.

Or maybe it's the rare case that maybe nothing bad really happened to her, and maybe she's not waiting till marriage...so the question would be, in these circumstances, why would a woman not be ready for sex after being in a relationship for over a year? Also, why would she not give and receive oral sex at least if she plans on waiting? If she claims to not be ready and it's been a year, at what point will she be? Two years? Three years? Why not wait till marriage?

So it seems unclear at this point on why she's not ready. After a year, by then, most women who are willing to engage in pre-marital sex are probably going to have sex in the relationship. From my guess, it seems like she's got personal issues that she's either told you about or afraid to tell you due to lack of trust. If I'm wrong, and she's not planning on waiting till marriage, then I can't explain a woman's mentality that she's still not ready for sex even after a year of dating.

Your next step, at this point (to me), would be finding out why she isn't ready, and then go from there. If she's not ready because of personal issues and it's something that you can help her deal with...then stay with her and deal with them. Otherwise, do what you feel is best.

[SamMarie]

I can also agree with Brandon on this. I don't think pressuring is really the issue he is trying to make, but it is part of the problem here. Sex is really a type of "necessity" in a relationship. Why? It is just part of who we are as people. Just like when two people are married, part of a marriage to survive is sex. Again, why? Same answer as before. There shouldn't be a huge waiting period. I'd like to know where she stands with sex as well. Is she abstinent? Has she been sexually abused in some form before and won't admit it? I can understand that after the year mark, that would be the time. But, you're right that masturbation can only go so far. I mean, you have a girlfriend for crying out loud. Has she even performed oral sex? I'm pretty much repeating what Brandon is saying here, but we all have "needs" as people and if she ain't giving you any, time to hop on the train and go find someone else who can. No, I don't mean cheat or a one night stand, but a man shouldn't try so hard to just have sex once in awhile. Good luck.

[FuturesEnd45]

Originally Posted by SamMarie

I can also agree with Brandon on this. I don't think pressuring is really the issue he is trying to make, but it is part of the problem here. Sex is really a type of "necessity" in a relationship. Why? It is just part of who we are as people. Just like when two people are married, part of a marriage to survive is sex. Again, why? Same answer as before. There shouldn't be a huge waiting period. I'd like to know where she stands with sex as well. Is she abstinent? Has she been sexually abused in some form before and won't admit it? I can understand that after the year mark, that would be the time. But, you're right that masturbation can only go so far. I mean, you have a girlfriend for crying out loud. Has she even performed oral sex? I'm pretty much repeating what Brandon is saying here, but we all have "needs" as people and if she ain't giving you any, time to hop on the train and go find someone else who can. No, I don't mean cheat or a one night stand, but a man shouldn't try so hard to just have sex once in awhile. Good luck.

Hi Im guiles girlfriend. I just wanted to answer some things, we are LDR at the moment, idk of everyone caught that but we have met, so we havent done anything sexual yet since we last saw eachother (feb) My opinion on sex is that basically Im not ready for it mentally. I dont feel like with my anxiety disorder and PTSD I couldnt handle having sex. Also If I was ready I wouldnt like loosing my virginity only to see him again in a few months. But Ive told him that this is just to tell you all. I feel so worried because I love him very much but I also know he deserves a better girlfriend

And also I have been abused (not raped) but if does add a lottle more stress

[SamMarie]

Well, now that I see the girlfriend's perspective, it changes everything because you have PTSD and have been abused sexually. Also, you mentioned you only see each other a few months at a time? The problem I see is that you two are at different "points" in the relationship. I feel that you two might not last very long, to be openly honest. Your boyfriend is sexually deprived and impatient and you are mentally unstable to create any love especially physically. With these two different mindsets, you are pushing away from each other. It's even harder because you guys barely see each other. A few months at a time is pretty "annoying" and "lengthy". I don't know your background story, but If you are willing to eventually make love in the future, you're going to have to accept your past and learn to love on your own in the future. Let's be honest, patience and understanding can only stretch for so long, so, you need to be aware what kind of position you're putting yourself and your boyfriend. My intentions are not meant to be rude, but have you tried putting yourself through some kind of therapy for your anxiety, maybe medical treatment? I hope things get better and hopefully you two work out.

[FuturesEnd45]

I can love him mentally just fine im just neevous about not being good enough for him because im not ready to have sex. Its very upsetting

[Always *]

Ariokage, you shouldn't have to worry about that, from what I can tell (and just from general assumptions about relationships) it's hard to judge what "good enough" and I high doubt you aren't good enough, you'd probably surprise yourself. It's a very natural thing to be worried about. There are ways to overcome this anxiety you are experiencing. you can either work through it together or you can talk to a counsellor if that is possible. One of my best friends has PTSD (including flashbacks and such) and just from hearing her experience I can imagine how you must be feeling. It'll definitely require a lot of patience, but working through some of those issues and building up your confidence slowly may help. I don't know if that really helps, but you can always PM me if you want to talk

[Brandon]

Originally Posted by Ariokage

Hi Im guiles girlfriend. I just wanted to answer some things, we are LDR at the moment, idk of everyone caught that but we have met, so we havent done anything sexual yet since we last saw eachother (feb) My opinion on sex is that basically Im not ready for it mentally. I dont feel like with my anxiety disorder and PTSD I couldnt handle having sex. Also If I was ready I wouldnt like loosing my virginity only to see him again in a few months. But Ive told him that this is just to tell you all. I feel so worried because I love him very much but I also know he deserves a better girlfriend

And also I have been abused (not raped) but if does add a lottle more stress

I think that any boyfriend, at this point, would at least expect some progress. Considering what you've been through, I don't think anyone would try to push you to hurry up, but I think anyone would expect some sort of progress. If all he's being fed is "I'm not ready, I'm not ready, I'm not ready" then that can kind of get repetitive after a year or so. If he feels that you're making progress, then there's hope in your relationship. But if you're attending therapy sessions and you don't feel any improvement or you feel like you're never going to get over whatever happened, then you might as well tell him now before you and him break out into more arguments and fights that will eventually lead to the break-up anyways. Being a better girlfriend is based on choice, ultimately. If you really want to be better, you gotta tackle your issues head on and prove to someone that you're doing the best you can. But if whatever you're doing isn't working, then you gotta create another tactic. But if it's going good, then that's great. Honestly, I've been to a therapist and they didn't really do shit for me. Their inability to fix my problems eventually made me realize that I can fix my problems better than they can, so I relied on myself and my motivation to change my attitude towards certain past events and beliefs. However, everyone is different. You know what's going to happen if you don't learn how to control your issues. Sometimes, all it takes is making a decision that is out of your comfort zone because life is all about risks anyways. But if you aren't truly showing any progress at a certain time, then things are only going to get worse for you. You need to work with your boyfriend on really coming up with a solution to everything because now is the time where you have the chance to save your relationship, so you need the make the best of it. Breaking up in the worst case scenario, which isn't even all that bad for you considering some issues need to be dealt when you're single...that way you won't have a relationship to keep up with, and you can dive deeper within yourself to solve your own problems. Cause no one can really solve your problem for you, only you can do that. Your boyfriend can be amazing, therapy can be good conversations about what and how you should do things, but it's ultimately your decision on which path you want to take with your relationship.

[FuturesEnd45]

Im trying i dont know what to do im sorry

[xxpaigiexx]

Hey there,

Of course going for more than a year without sex must be frustrating. It's difficult going into a relationship where you're more experienced than your girlfriend, but you knew that when you got into this relationship.
You have two choices, either be patient and wait or you break up with her and explain your reasons why.
If you genuinely love your girlfriend then you should give her time, you're in a long distance relationship, so if you don't see her often then that could be a massive contributing factor, maybe you guys need to start spending a bit more quality time together.

Best of luck,
Paige

[Coffee.]

Thread closed by OP's request.