Girlfriend not telling me something? (suspicion)

[ah0tp0tat0]

I like my girlfriend and I care for her btw. Anyway a couple days ago she told me during school that she had to hang out with her ex because apparently she ruined his birthday last year and has to make up for it and I tell her that you shouldn't have to do that don't let him take advantage of you like that. She still did but just yesterday she confessed that she
kissed him and didn't like it. I was hurt by it. She also told me that he tried to have sex with her but wouldn't let him at all because of me. So also yesterday her friend started to txt me on her phone thinking I'm her ex and he starts to get angry because he thought i was her ex. I tried to tell him I'm not her ex but wouldn't listen. He said I know what you did to her so I ask what did he do to to her? And he replies you slapped her and made her kiss you you freak! So now I'm in a situation I don't know how I should resolve it. I still talk to her but I want to talk about it in person with her what should I do about it?!? I care for her and I just don't know whats going on :

[PSY]

Hello, and welcome to TeenHelp!

If your girlfriend was slapped and then forced to kiss her ex, it's definitely important that you tell a trusted adult about the situation. Unfortunately, abuse can occur even after a relationship has ended... and if your girlfriend's ex is coercing her into spending time with him and doing things against her will, it needs to stop.

There is another possibility, which hopefully isn't true... and it's that your girlfriend is starting to concoct a story about how she "had" to spend time with her ex, "had" to kiss him, and eventually, "had" to have sex with him. If she's trying to justify her cheating behavior and manipulate you (vs. the ex manipulating her), then that's something you need to discuss with her. The problem is that you probably won't know if this is true until you deal with the first possibility: that she's being subjected to abuse by her ex. Once the authorities get involved and a restraining order is filed, your girlfriend won't "have" to be around her ex - in fact, her ex would face serious charges if he violated the order. So if she continues to go to him, despite being assured she's protected, then it says one of two things: she's doing this because she wants to, or she's doing this because she's co-dependent.

So the next possibility is that she's co-dependent, which can happen with abusive relationships. Even if there's a restraining order, she may continue to spend time around her ex because of the psychological damage he inflicted upon her. She may sleep with him and do any number of things, despite caring about you, because she feels she has to. Unfortunately, aside from continuing to inform trusted adults about the situation, there isn't much you can do to stop her. At that point, you'll need to think about whether or not it's worth staying with her. You may love her deeply, but if she's putting herself in harm's way and isn't turning to you for support, you may want to think about how her actions could eventually cause you to fall apart (or do something you'll regret, in an attempt to "save" her).

So first things first: ask her if she was slapped and forced to kiss him. If she was, discuss going to authorities with her to file a restraining order. If she resists, ask her why. If she wasn't slapped or forced to kiss him, then again, ask her why she did it. Set boundaries, making it clear what you expect from her. You don't want to threaten her, but you DO want to be clear about what will happen if she continues to see her ex (ending the relationship).

[Age of Ignorance]

Wow, dude. I feel for you.

My understanding of the situation is that she concocted this story about how she "had" to go over there, as Robin has said, and that she kissed him "but didn't like it", and that she refused to have sex with him "because of you." Just... wow. If she respected your feelings, she wouldn't have gone there, she wouldn't have kissed him, and she wouldn't have gotten into a situation where she had to "refuse to have sex" with him. Plus, it appears she lied to him as well, about you slapping her and forcing her to kiss you. So, she's lying, in part, to both of you. She's playing you both.

I suggest you take a step back from the situation, and assess it from an outward point of view. Try to push all the emotional turmoil to the side for one moment, and think of it as a jigsaw puzzle. If a piece doesn't seem to fit right, it probably doesn't, and you can assume it means something else.

I'd also suggest you talk to her about this. If she confessed that she kissed her ex and almost had sex with him, then she's part of the way there. If your "outward point of view" assessment reveals things that "just don't fit", then bring them up. Tell her that you don't think the reason fits or that it doesn't make sense to you.

Just remember, poke holes in the story until you feel comfortable and armed enough to confront her about it. I'm sure you can make your own assessment as to whether or not to stay with her. If it were me, though, I'd get out of there fast.

[ah0tp0tat0]

What should I ask her so i can not feel as nervous when I go up to her and ask?

[PSY]

I think it's natural to feel nervous when addressing a difficult subject. There isn't much you can do about your feelings. What you could do, though, is think of a good way to start the conversation, then practicing saying one or two sentences out loud. For example, you could start with something like this:

"[Name of girlfriend], there's something important I'd like to talk about with you. We've already talked about it a bit, but I still have some questions and would like to get a better sense of what's going on and how you're feeling about it."

Then you could stick to simple yes/no questions:

"Did [Ex-boyfriend] force you to [action]?"
"Are you afraid of [Ex-boyfriend]?"
"Are you willing to come with me to the police station and file a restraining order so he can't hurt you anymore?
"Please be honest: do you want to sleep with him?"

Then some open-ended questions:
"Why aren't you willing to tell the police about what happened?"
"What are you afraid might happen if you tell the police what happened?"
"Why do you feel the need to be around [Ex-boyfriend]?"

It won't be an easy conversation to have, but I imagine not knowing where you stand with your girlfriend will cause more stress (and possibly lead to paranoia/jealousy) in the long run.

[ah0tp0tat0]

Thank you for helping me out this wont be easy probably for both of us but I just want to get to the bottom of this and hopefully resolve the problem