Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Is it acceptable for a dad to only care about his daughter because she's dating?

[KissMeWithVenomousLips]

Hi I’m new here and I’d really like some help.

My dad was never a really nice person, and was always kind of mean to me. He liked to pick and tease at me a lot and I had/have a lot of self esteem issues because of him.
He’s never cared about me at all, when I started cutting when I was 13 he saw them, asked what the scars on my arms were, and when I said it was the cat he believed me, and gave me a lecture on not letting the cat scratch me because of diseases and such. When people started talking my mom decided it was time to send me to counseling, and had to tell dad. He was a total asshole about it. “You need to stop that, it’s fucking stupid. If more people find out, I’m going to go to jail and then your mother and siblings will be homeless and it’ll be all your fault.” He wasn’t concerned about ME at all, just making me feel bad. I’m sixteen and things haven’t really changed until August, when I fell for somebody. He is amazing and everything I could have ever wanted and needed in somebody, and has really brought me back to life. Now, dad cares about me. Makes an effort to talk to me and hasn’t been mean to me.
Part of me thinks this is great and all, but I’m also hurt and conflicted. Why does he care now? Is it because there is a male figure in my life now, who really does care about me more than dad ever did? Is it because I’m easy to love now, because I’m not always crying and cutting, and screaming at the sky? Or has he just coincidentally come to care and want to try with me in my last two years here, as well as my 3 younger siblings? Someone please tell me because I want to know the truth.

[Adam the Fish]

Hey, welcome to TeenHelp!

To be honest, I'm not sure what changed with your dad.
It might be because you've got a boyfriend, or possibly because of the side-effects of that (your improvement mentally) meaning that not only is he less stressed, but you're probably easier to communicate with and see things that he says in a more positive light than he used to.
What he said about how things would be your fault was untrue, misinformed and not very good, but giving him the benefit of the doubt, I'd say that he wanted to help, but didn't know how...and so tried shock, a method that is probably not really advisable.

Of course, it might be something else completely anyway!

So...yeah, possibly it's not a good moral reason that he has changed, but I'd try believing the best of him. I prefer to believe the best of people.
Give him the benefit of the doubt and be glad that he's better now .

[Cassie999]

I think he is making an effort with you because hes trying to act like a good father to you and want to make up with you, Your his daughter and he still loves you, he just blames you and makes you feel bad because hes probably in allot of stress, he is making amends and putting things right. Your dad shouldn't swear and lose his temper like that, there's this one thing I don't understand Why would he go to jail and the whole family will fall apart all because you go to counselling? It's never going to happen. Just deal with your dad the best you can. Be patient. Obey him. If he is betraying your confidence, then do not confide in him. Simply remove your personal life from him. He will probably come back to you. Best of luck

Cassie

[PSY]

Originally Posted by Cassie999

there's this one thing I don't understand Why would he go to jail and the whole family will fall apart all because you go to counselling?

He was probably afraid of being charged for child neglect. If the authorities believed he knew about the self-harm, and did nothing, then they could charge him for failing to provide his child with the appropriate help (ex. taking her to see a doctor and psychological professional for treatment).

I can't read your father's mind... he could be acting this way now because of one of those reasons you listed, or perhaps for all of those reasons you listed. There are a few ways you can approach this. One would be to accept the positive change and simply be grateful that your father is treating you well, regardless of the reason why. Another would be to wait until the relationship is strong enough to handle a serious discussion, where you ask your father why his behavior has changed. The trick is in the timing. If you ask your father too soon, or if you lash out at him for what he did in the past, he may become angry in return and regress (act the way he used to again). If you wait a while, though, and approach him with a calm and open mind, then your father may be more open to an honest discussion in return.

Speaking from personal experience, I actually saw the OPPOSITE effect with my father. I think, deep down, he was afraid of competition, and didn't want to "lose" me or let my boyfriend "replace" him. Once I addressed that insecurity and reassured him that there was room for BOTH men in my life, he loosened up. Trying to see past your father's behavior and understand what thoughts/feelings FUEL that behavior may give you a great deal of closure in the long run, even if your father returns to his old habits. It's easier to deal with many situations once you can make some sense of them.

[Cassie999]

Originally Posted by PSY

He was probably afraid of being charged for child neglect.

Oh I see, That's worrying and a big problem.