Trans: Coping with body dysphoria.

[Hiraeth]

I feel like I've actually been making progress with regards to the mental and emotional realms of my existence, which is really quite amazing and interesting - but I can't for the life of me, acknowledge my body in the form that it's in. Even the thought of doing so is repulsive.

But I don't think this is necessarily healthy for me. It's going to be a very long way to go before I can look at myself naked without a crippling amount of disgust and hatred - I'm trying to believe in at least that possibility, but at any rate that mental shift won't be able to happen for some time.

I miss the days when I was blissfully (un)aware of gender as nothing more than a classification of biology, which was nothing more than, well, something that comes up in biology class, which somehow always gets everyone giggling for no reason... and that was it.

I'm tired of slouching constantly because binders never seem to work perfectly. Tired of binding for long hours, being all frustrated with the results, and ending up with chest pains afterwards. I'm also tired of being obsessive over how well I 'pass', and the anxiety that brings me socially. I'm just tired of being obsessive in general. I'm tired of dreading every shower I take. Tired of being forced into a state of denial despite knowing that it can be very harmful in the long run. And, well, I could go on and on.

Anyway, does anyone have suggestions to offer, on small ways to make everyday life a little less blatantly traumatizing? Besides medical intervention and denial. Google search didn't turn up anything useful, so I thought I might as well ask here.

Thanks so much.

[fermatakid]

Body dysphoria is no fun at all. It is hard to deal with. Obviously, you know that. I understand how you feel about the binding, too. I like the way my chest looks when I bind, but I hate the constant reminder (the feeling of the binder tight against my skin) that I am binding.

One way I have learned to deal with dysphoria is by thinking about my body the way I want it to be, and pretending it is that way. I know, that probably doesn't seem helpful, but I've been thinking like that for years and I have actually convinced myself that I do have this or that and that I don't have this or that, etc. The truth is, I have a man's body, regardless of whether it is that of a stereotypical male. Maybe it seems that I was born into the wrong body, but I am a man, and therefore, this is a man's body. It may not be like other people's bodies, but it is a man's body, nonetheless.

Are you in any sort of therapy or counseling? I highly suggest it, if you are not. Preferably a gender therapist who knows what they are talking about. Another suggestion I have to offer is the internet, which you obviously already use, but there are good sites on LiveJournal and Tumblr that are helpful. If you have friends or family that you can talk to, that is always helpful. YouTube is an awesome resource, too.

When it comes to the issue of "passing" (I hate that word), what are you trying to pass as? You are a man, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Are you trying to "pass" as the stereotype of the male gender norms? For me, personally, being trans has always been about breaking gender norms and stereotypes. Don't focus on "passing;" just be yourself, and be comfortable with yourself, and that confidence will be sensed by others.

[Hiraeth]

Thank you Brennan, those are very insightful words. It is difficult to see otherwise when everything and everyone around you convinces you that you have a female body (and therefore you are one :/ ). When I was very young, a body was just that, a human body - so I can see how a detached perspective is possible. Although it would take a long time and a lot of mental training to regain that.

You are right, I do spend too much time fussing over how others perceive me, and that isn't healthy at all. I just don't want female terms and pronouns used on me, that always destroys my confidence completely and instantaneously. But I'm not even sure why, as that happens even with close friends. I think I'm allowing those words to have too much power over me.

Actually, I think that I just have my whole life's worth of societal conditioning to break through - that which has instilled these words and concepts into my consciousness and told me that they do have some sort of meaning, when all of it is inherently meaningless.

[xxjemmaxx]

As it happens I was watching a documentary about body dysphoria the other day and how hard it is to deal with in every day life. I cant imagine what it would be like but to be honest feeling at home in my body is something that I take for granted. I know you said not medical intervention, however my advice would be to see a doctor and they can give you hormones to change your physical appearance and all the mental support you need. If not then try talking to your best mates about it....if they are really mates they will support you and keep you going.
Apart from that I doubt that you can do much more than to think of yourself as whoever you want to be. Btw I appluade you for being so strong. Keep going strong and life will work itself out eventually.