Gender Confusion

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]I decided I would wait until this evening before I made my entry, because I needed time to ensure to myself that my dream, and my current reality was indeed reality. Last night I had a dream. One about coming out to my family as a transgender woman. It was stuck in my head all day. I always wondered why I wasn't born a woman, because femininity always called to me, even as a kid. Though now I find myself confused. Whenever I think of the possibility of possibly being Trans, I always get a reminder of "just how straight" I act so how could I be. Then I thought about possibly being non-binary, which left me in a spiral of confusion. With those options out of the way, I should be content with being a man, and yet the idea of it is repulsive to me. I've always hated my body, and that hatred of it only seems to grow. My thoughts begin to concern me, because I'm at a point where I can no longer believe my thoughts are justifiably those of a women, stuck in a man's body eager to escape, or a mentally ill kid creating delusions for himself. Is this all just me making this up in my head? Am I making it up as a plea for attention? What if my inclination towards being Trans or non-binary is really just a manifestation of self-hatred? What if in my haste to not be me, I am clinging to this idea of changing myself until I no longer recognize it?

This idea has me confused and emotionally drained. I want to talk to a therapist about these issues, because if anybody could discern personality from mental illness, then surely they could right? Truth is... I think I yearn for someone to tell me. Someone who can make all of the confusion go away, but likely nobody can. After all, this is a question of self right? So if I don't know, than maybe I never will. I wish I did, and I wish that the consequences of my eventual decision didn't haunt me eternally.[/size]

[Astro04]

The dream was a dream, and still remains a dream. Even I dreamed I was a girl for example, but I know that I'm a boy and what I like. The important thing is to differentiate what is a dream and what it isn't.

Hey there, and thanks for reaching out. I hope we are able to help.

I feel a lot of empathy for you because you sound a lot like me when I first realized I wasn't cis. I was scared of it, I wondered if it was real or I was faking it, I wondered what it would mean, etc. Obviously I am not saying that you are necessarily trans or even nonbinary, because no one else can decide that for you. I am just saying these are questions that are common when people first start to question their gender identity.

I can't tell you what you are, but you are describing things that are not typical for a cis male. Body hatred is a huge one. It's also known as dysphoria. Some people have dysphoria for only parts of their body, or at least stronger dysphoria for some parts more than others, while others just feel discomfort about the whole thing.

I would suggest two things: first, if you can, talk to a therapist, especially one who is friendly to the LGBTQ community. They will be able to offer support and help you with these thoughts and feelings better than anyone else could. Two, experiment with some expressions of femininity that appeal to you in private. A longtime partner of mine was a trans woman, and she told me when she first started embracing her true identity she would try on skirts and "women's" clothes in private. I suggest maybe doing something like that, or maybe makeup, or whatever appeals to you; it's your journey.

Just so you know, there's no right way to go about this process. I jumped in relatively quickly with mine; I started testosterone injections only several months after realizing I was nonbinary. As time has gone on I've continued to grow, change, and explore, and I know there is so much more in store for me as I continue this journey. I wondered for a long time if this was the right choice, or if I was an "imposter" (I still have these thoughts). But I know if I wasn't trans I would not be so excited for the changes testosterone is causing in my body. Don't let people tell you that you are something you're not. Again, I am absolutely not saying you are definitely trans or nonbinary, because you are the only one who can decide that. I am just saying I think it might be worth exploring a bit.

Good luck. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk. I will offer what support I can. Take care, now.

[QueenElsa]

If you're confused about your gender identity, then identifying as non-binary can be a relief from societal expectations about who you're "supposed" to be. Identifying as non-binary gave me this relief, and it was absolutely life-saving for me.

{I am Fae Queen Elsa, and I believe in full magic transitions from masculine to feminine. (I am anti-surgery.) I haven't witnessed a magic transition yet, but I believe this is possible, given the magic that I have experienced.}

In the realm of what is definitely possible, I'd like to share a special word with you: Maverique. There are three genders: Man, Woman, and Maverique. Maverique is the third option, and I identify as a Maverique to free myself from all the restrictions and expectations that come with being a woman.

My advice is: explore non-binary options if you're feeling uncomfortable with the binary you've been forcibly defined by. Identifying as non-binary also means you don't have to worry about "gay" or "straight."

You get to be who you are, and love who you love.

I would also suggest journalling about gender identity. Journalling helped me so much during my gender-based self-discovery. And always journal on blank (not lined) paper; because lined paper will cramp your hand painfully, and journalling should be non-harmful to your body.

Thanks for reaching out, and I wish you well with your journey of self-discovery.

<3 Queen Elsa