Help me find out If I am really gay?

[SirWilliam13]

A 29-year-old man writes to you. I made oral love to an older man once when I was 19. I liked it, but we didn't have sex. I also like to wear women's thongs, to this day I wear them when I can. I also wore women's clothes and a bra, but what excites me the most is wearing women's thongs. I also like to insert objects in my butt, even tried with a dildo and liked it. And I have had such thoughts and sexual desires for men since I was 15-16 years old. For over 10 years I have had such desires, to be in the female role and to be with a man, but I have done nothing else, except that blowjob. At the same time, I was with a woman who left me because of these thoughts and desires. I have fallen in love several times, I like women. But over time, my sexual attraction to women somehow decreased and now disappeared. I still think I can fall in love with a woman, I like them, but on the other hand I want to be like them... The topic is serious. I don't know if I'm gay, I'm confused and I don't know what to do...

Hello, and welcome. I am glad you felt comfortable posting. There's definitely a lot to explore here, regarding both gender and sexuality. I will say it definitely sounds like you are sexually attracted to men. There's a difference between sexual orientation and romantic orientation, so that's something to keep in mind. Sexual orientation denotes the gender(s) of who (if anyone) you want to be physically intimate with. It sounds like that definitely includes men, and used to include women. Sexuality can change a lot over time, so I don't know if you are definitely gay, but yes, you might be.

As for romantic orientation, that denotes the gender(s) of who (if anyone) you are romantically interested in. It sounds like that includes women, but you don't know yet if that includes men, which is totally okay, too! I mean if we're going by a snapshot of where you are right now, based solely on what you're reporting here, I would say you are most likely homosexual and hetero, or possibly bi/pan, romantic.

I do want to touch on gender and relationships a bit here, too, just to give a little more information. It's totally cool to like wearing the clothes that are typically associated another gender. You can still identify as male and wear women's clothing, and you can still be straight (though it doesn't sound like you are; I just want to say this publicly) and a male and like having things inserted inside your anus. That doesn't make you gay at in and of itself. I don't want to overwhelm you, but I will say some people who start out with an interest in wearing women's clothing go on to question their gender eventually. You may or may not decide to do this, and whatever you decide in that regard is okay. I just wanted to mention that, in case it's something you eventually decide to explore.

One reason I mention that is you say you desire to be with a male "in the female role." Typically, especially in gay culture, those involved take away the words "male" and "female" because they aren't really descriptors of what that person actually wants so much as people are referring to what are considered typical gender roles, where the "male" is dominant and the "female" is submissive.

So instead in such interactions (again, especially among gay culture), the terms used are "Top" and "bottom." These terms have gone on to have multiple meanings to multiple people, but for our purposes here we will use them in their simplest form: the "Top" is generally the the person performing an action and the "bottom" is the one receiving. I've been very roundabout, but when you say the female role, I want you to have a better understanding so you can decide whether what you mean is you want to be the "bottom" in the scenario, or whether you actually have an interest in explore the idea of identifying as a female and actually taking on the *gender* role of "female" with a male partner.

I know I've thrown a lot at you, and I apologize if everything I said was overwhelming. If you have questions or concerns I can try and simplify some of it. The thing is, though, really only YOU can decide what you are. I know that can be difficult. There are so many labels and gender and sexuality are such complex things it is very tempting to want someone more educated or experienced than us to simple say, "yes, you are x," but in the end it doesn't really work that way. You have to decide what you feel you are and what labels you choose to describe yourself with, if any.

[Everglow.]

Hi

Thank you for reaching out about this. Eli has already given you some amazing advice and information and I don't have a huge amount to add on top of that. I definitely think he is right to bring up the divide between sexual and romantic attraction though, and this could be a really interesting avenue for you to explore. Sometimes you have to test out a few labels to see what one really 'fits', and sometimes even then you'll end up falling somewhere else on the spectrum that doesn't have a word yet! But I would say it's completely normal and not as uncommon as you might think that your sexuality and your romantic orientation don't necessarily match up. TH has a really wonderful dictionary of terms which might help you explore beyond the boundaries of gay or straight, so if you'd like to have a look you can find there here. As Eli says, your preferences can fluctuate, so try to remember that any label you try or settle on doesn't have to be a permanent thing. In a few years, months, days or even hours, if you feel it no longer reflects who you are, then feel free to abandon it and move on to something else which does!

The clothes you choose to wear can sometimes be an indication of gender expression, but they can also sometimes not be. I think it's totally fine for a man to enjoy and even find pleasure in wearing 'womens clothes', and I'm sorry that the woman you were with judged you because of that. As far as I'm concerned, if a woman can wear clothes from the mens section without anyone starting a riot, why can't a man wear clothes from the women's section?! It's unfortunate that other people make expressing ourselves authentically harder to do, but please don't ever feel ashamed by who you are and what you enjoy wearing. You are still valid exactly as you are.

I can't say for sure if you are gay. I think the only person who can know for sure is you, but it's okay if it takes a bit of time to finally know. I hope that you've found some of this helpful, but you're welcome to post again or send a PM to me any time if you fancy talking more.

Take care.