Feeling Asexual

[~Madam~]

Ever since I was raped this past summer, I have little to no sex drive. I no longer feel attracted to anyone, honestly.There's a few people I have been talking to, but it's really hard for me to imagine ever letting someone touch me again after being taken advantage of. I want so badly to open up again, because I am empathetic and want so badly to be loved by someone, but I'm so scared of being used or taken advantage of again. I barely even touch myself anymore because it just feels bad. I cry because I want it to feel good again. I'm scared I will never be able to enjoy having sexual relationships ever again. I used to be hyper-sexual, and now I am sex-repulsed. Will I ever find a middle ground? Any advice on how to be okay again?

Hey there, thank you for sharing a bit about what's happened to you with us. First of all, I want to say how sorry I am that you were taken advantage of. No one, no matter what, deserves to be sexually assaulted. You are not at fault here, and you did nothing to deserve what happened. I hope you can truly take that to heart.

What you are experiencing is completely normal. Our relationship with sexuality often changes after sexual assault. Some people become more sexually active, while others go in the opposite way and become or almost become completely uninterested in sex. Personally, I am glad you recognize what's going on for you and are honoring it. When I was raped I wanted to have a healthy relationship with sex so badly, so I kept pushing my partner at the time to be sexual, only to have a complete breakdown every time after, or sometimes even in the middle. I wish I'd listened to my body and refrained from sex instead of putting myself through further trauma. So I think it's really good that you know where you're at.

I don't think this is forever. At least it wasn't for me. It takes time to heal, and I think that process is a lot easier if you have a therapist, or a support group, even just online. While talking about assault doesn't help everyone, I've found it helps the majority of people, at least that I've encountered. When you don't feel alone or weird or just plain guilty for what happened to you, it really jump starts your healing. Relationships may be tricky during this time, but eventually meeting someone who honors, cares for, and respects your boundaries can also do a lot to help with healing.

You're never going to be the person you were before the assault. I know that that's a hard thing to hear. Sometimes I still don't come to terms with it myself. But you can move forward with help and tools to support yourself, and learn more about healthy relationships (of all kinds, not just sexual or romantic) and about what makes you happy and whole. Because you are a whole person. I know after assault it feels for some people that something was stolen, but I promise it wasn't. You are still a whole, complete, beautiful person. You will find yourself again.

I hope this helped. Please, PM me any time if you need anything. My inbox is always open.

[Celyn]

Hey Ellie,

I'm sorry to hear that you were raped. I think it's very understandable that you now feel sex repulsed after experiencing such a trauma. Naturally, after going through such a trauma, you may find yourself feeling scared by intimacy or turned off by sex, even though you may have enjoyed sex previously. But it is possible to recover from trauma, though it may take time and work.

I'm wondering how you feel about non-sexual intimacy? Things like hugs, holding hands, non-sexual touching etc. I understand that you want sex and sexual intimacy to feel good again so perhaps thinking of how you feel with non-sexual intimacy might be a way to explore intimacy without becoming sexual until you feel ready to explore that again. Any type of intimacy requires us to be vulnerable but it can help to build up how safe we feel with someone by exploring non-sexual intimacy first.

Likewise, if you want to explore your own body sexually, take things slow and remind yourself that you are safe and in control. Try not to push yourself if you don't feel comfortable. And if you have any negative feelings such as feeling guilty or dirty afterwards, try and be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself that it's okay and even healthy to explore your own body. With time, these feelings will lessen.

I also agree with Eli that perhaps seeking support from a support group or therapist may help you. When you connect with others or are able to process your feelings in a safe environment, you can then feel more empowered within yourself and realise that you aren't alone and can recover

[Mallika]

Hi Ellie,

Thank you for reaching out. I'm very sorry to hear that you were raped.

Words cannot describe the trauma such incidents leave on us, and as such, it's only natural that we react in a certain way after that incident. When I was young, I was molested and for many years after that, the idea of a man touching me repulsed (and even frightened) me. That was in my teens, and now I don't feel that way anymore. I firmly believe time does heal all wounds.

It has been really difficult so far, and so you shouldn't have to go through your healing process all alone. Like the other users have mentioned here, you should definitely reach out for help. To answer your question as to whether you'll ever feel normal again, yes, it is absolutely possible. But considering that the trauma after such incidents is indescribable, we have to work towards it with the aid of some support. Commitment towards our mental wellbeing is no different from the commitment we'd put in towards other aspects of health (e.g. a diet or staying fit) - you will come out stronger from this and people have healed from trauma when they sought help and actively worked to get better. Remember, there are professionals who help people heal from incidents like the one you had to undergo, so there is light at the end of the tunnel

If you are a student, perhaps you would like to reach out to your school's/college's mental health support team? These are often free for students and a great way to get some professional help without having to look too far. Other than that, support groups at your local community centre might be helpful. You might want to Google for rape and sexual assault advocacy organisations in your country; often these are a great resource for finding therapists or other useful resources.

I want to commend you for coming out here to share your story. Let me remind you once again that you don't have to go through this alone. Help is available and you will come out of this fully healed. Don't give up

You can always PM me if you'd like to chat about anything!