Can someone help me?

[SirWilliam13]

Okay, so I have been questioning my sexuality for a very long time, since I was a teen boy. My father moved in different country in order to make more money for us, when I was 12. And then I grew up with my two older sisters and my mom. And there was everywhere panties, thongs, bras and womens clothes, I liked to look at them and I wondered what it will feel to wear them, so maybe that affected me. I mean I was 15 when my mom moved away to my father and my two older sisters became students, so I was left alone in our house with tons of womens clothes, panties and everything, so I started wearing them almost everyday/night. I was 16 years old then. Acted really manly with my friends, but in the nights when I was alone, I was wearing thongs and doing poses in front of the mirror with my butt, haha. I liked girls and I was nice, romantic, good with them,bought flowers, gifts and even writted a few poems for some girls, but I have been rejected and this somehow affected me and in the same time I started to wonder what it will be if I was a girl. I tried to finger my ass too and even putting objects in my ass and i liked it.. I was 15 or 16 years old back then and now I am 28. And after all that I started to think and fantasize about having sex with a man. I did one blowjob to a guy, but he coudnt get hard. I was 20 years old back then. After that I had other chances to meet with a man, but I always quited before the meeting, because of shame, stress and fear.. Then I met a girl, she was my first and only, we fell inlove, even engaged and lived together for 3 years, but she caught me wearing her thong and left me. And I was totally broken after that and damaged, but these feelings came back.. Again I wanted to wear thongs, bras, girls clothes and I started to fantasize about men again (I actually never stopped). I think I still like girls, I mean I turn over to them, I like how they look, but it is more like in the way that I am envy of them, I want to wear their clothes,to be like them, thats why I think I may be gay.. I am sure that I am sexually attracted to men, yes. Not romantically tho. I might be struggling with my gender identity. I mean if I could have a chance to press a button for example and become a woman, I would do it. But I also like my life as a man too. I mean my whole life I had dreams and hopes for true love, romance with a woman. To make her happy, to be loving and caring. To marry her and have kids. So yes, that is/was my dream. But from the other side..I am feeling different now. Maybe it was because of the rejections, I don't know. But I feel different towards women now. In a way, I like them, but I don't feel attracted to them. More like I want to be like them. And I like d*cks, that I can't deny it. And I have big desire and I imagine having sex with a man with me being fully in a girl's role. So, can anyone help me..

Hey there. Thanks for reaching out to us on TeenHelp. I hope we are able to help in some way.

First of all, I want to tell you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the desires and urges you are having. I know it may not seem like it, but there are plenty of AMAB (assigned male at birth) individuals who enjoy wearing "women's" clothing: panties, garters, bras, hose, etc. Now, this doesn't necessarily mean you are transgender (a person who is AMAB who is actually a woman); there are cis males who enjoy these things. But I think you may be right in that your gender identity could be under question, based on you saying if you could push a button you would choose to be a woman. Do you have friends, family, or a therapist you could talk to about these feelings? Gender identity is a big issue that's complicated to handle on one's own a lot of the time. My suggestion would be to talk to someone, even if it's here on TeenHelp, and don't rush yourself into deciding on any one gender identity. You can explore and play with it; gender is supposed to be fun! Honestly, if you want to wear pantyhose and thongs and whatnot, go for it. It helps you feel more like you and we all need that self-validation.

As for your sexuality, sexuality and romantic attraction are on a spectrum. You don't have to be 100% straight or 100% gay; in fact very few people are. To me it sounds like you may enjoy sex with at least two genders, if not more, but you feel you only enjoy romantic attraction to women. That's totally okay. It is good to know what you like, and it's okay to explore this, too. There's nothing wrong with liking penises, even if that's the anatomy you have. I think the world oftentimes tries to fit sexuality and gender in a box and that's just not how it works. Again, it's something to play with.

I am sorry you faced so much rejection. It must have felt really bad when your ex-fiancee left you because she found you wearing her panties. I can understand why she might've felt upset but I am sure it also felt like a huge blow to your self-esteem. It may have reinforced the idea that these behaviors and feelings are "bad" but they are not. I hope you don't take it to heart, and can remember that you are okay just the way you are, and there are others out there like you.

So play around with gender and sexuality, and don't necessarily settle on a label(s) right away. Take your time, and take the time to validate yourself and your experience. You matter and you are worth loving.

Take care.

[SirWilliam13]

Thank you for your answer and for your support! Unfortunately I don't have anyone with whom I could talk to.