Non-PG13: Female Advice Preferred: Can you help me to find out If I am gay?

[Mitkoo0]

I think I might be gay and I am so scared and confused, but I am not 100 per sure, so I hope with your help me to find out If I am gay or not.. Well, I was a normal boy and I liked girls and only girls, but I have been rejected and this somehow affected me and I started to wonder what it will be if I was a girl and I tried to wear girls clothes, bra and thongs (I have a sister), and then I tried to finger my ass too and even fucked my ass with objects and i liked it.. I was 15 or 16 years old back then and now I am 28. And after all that I started to think and fantasize about sucking cock and get fucked by a man.. I even sucked cock once, it was a long time ago and the man couldnt get hard, I sucked his small and soft cock, but I liked it I like being on my knees in front of him.. I was 20 years old back then. After that I had other chances to meet with a man, but I always quited before the meeting, because of shame, stress and fear.. Then I met a girl, she was my first, we fell inlove, even engaged and lived together for 3 years, but then she left me for another man.. I was totally broken after that and damaged, but these feelings came back.. Again I want to wear thongs, bra, girls clothes and started to fantasize about sucking cocks and getting fucked. I think I still like girls, I mean I turn over to them, but it is more like in the way that I am envy of them, I want to wear their clothes,to be like them, thats why I think I may be gay..

[Mallika]

Hi there,

Thank you so much for coming onto TeenHelp to share your story.

I personally believe that gender identity and sexuality is a spectrum. Our society loves to put things into boxes, but reality is that life is never black and white. We all experience different forms of attraction at different points in our life, but the important thing here is that we shouldn't feel pressurised to give ourselves a label.

I went to a girls-only secondary school. Many of us (including myself) were attracted to another girl at some point back then. However, I don't consider myself a lesbian, because I've still been into boys all along. While I felt attracted to a girl at one point in my life, I wouldn't think that would be my sexuality, but rather something that I experienced at a certain point in time at a given environment (i.e. girls-only environment at an age where hormones are raging wildly). And my fellow classmates who were also attracted to girls ended up being in heterosexual relationships after we finished up with secondary school. So in other words, some incidents may not define us entirely.

Whether you're attracted to someone from your own gender or to the opposite gender, remember that our feelings occur naturally. Many of us experience some degree of confusion about our gender identity at some point in life, but we shouldn't feel like we have to give ourselves a label. From personal experience, I wouldn't underestimate the power of environment, past relationships and other inter-personal interactions on our sexuality.

As far as fantasies go, the nature of your fantasies do reflect your personal beliefs, sexual preferences, identity, etc. So from your fantasies, it does appear that you are into men. From your description, it appears that negative experiences with girls has strongly influenced your sexuality, and reasonably so. However, the fact that you've been attracted to girls before probably indicates that you might be bisexual. Again, I don't want to assign you a label, because like I said, gender identity and sexuality can be very fluid. Of course, there are people who know right from a young age that they are 100% gay, but for many of us, it's not that straightforward.

Physical arousal can happen in many forms (even performing acts on oneself without a partner a.k.a. masturbation), so I feel that alone shouldn't be a parameter to judge your sexuality. At the end of the day, you should go with what makes you comfortable with yourself and what makes your heart content. Relationships transcend physical intimacy; so if you find that you are deeply in love with a person who happens to be the same gender as you, so be it! If you fall in love with someone of the opposite gender, that's also wonderful (remember that past relationships don't dictate the kind of relationships we might get into in future). Rather, go with what your heart says; more often than not, the answer is already there deep within.

Give yourself some time out to figure your sexuality - perhaps you might want to meet with a sexuality counsellor/therapist in your area to dis-entangle some of these confusions.

Take care!

[Mitkoo0]

Well, hun. First off, thank you for your great answer. You maked me smile, which happens very rarely these days. You have a point in everything that you said. And I know it is silly, but I want to and I think I need to label myself in order to start living again, because right now my life is a mess and I cant seem to get it all together. I have been like this for years and that really affects me. I dont know what to think or do. My whole life I wanted and I have dream about it, to have a wife, kids, build a family and be happy. But that may came, because of the way I have been raised and because of the society. Because I think I have been attracted to men, even when I was teen and until now. But I have been attracted to girls as a teen too, and then with my ex, but I am not now, and not at all. I like girls, but it is more like I like how they look and I imagine myself like them. So how can I have a wife, when I am not sexually attracted to women now.. In other ways, I desire men in sexual way, but I dont think I can have a future with a man and I dont think I can love a man really, so everything is a total mess.. But thanks again, you are great!

Hey there. Thanks for sharing a bit about your experience with us. I am glad you found TeenHelp, and I hope we can help.

Like Mallika said, gender identity and sexual orientation are not always a "fit neatly in this box" kind of thing. They are often very fluid, and may change a lot over the course of one's life. I certainly have some experience with this in my own life. When I was a little I thought I was straight and a girl. Now at this point I know I am mostly gay and non-binary. I don't think my journey in gender and sexuality is over by any means, either. It's ever-evolving, and may be for many years, or even the rest of my life. I know you want to fit in a box, and I agree, that does seem easier. But the fact of the matter is it rarely happens like that.

You mention you think you like women because you are envious of being one. It's possible you may be a CD/TV or even transgender. CD/TV stands for crossdresser/transvestite. They are men who enjoy wearing women's clothing and accessories, be it in private or public, and enjoy being objectified as women. However, they still identify as male. A transgender person isn't the gender they were assigned at birth. Perhaps you could look more into exploring these sides of yourself. You may be surprised at what you find.

It's also important to note there's actually a sexual orientation and a romantic orientation. Based on what you described, you may be bisexual, as you fantasize about sexual scenarios with two genders, but you may be heteroromantic, as you only desire romantic relationships with individuals of the opposite sex. This may be where you are right now, but it could change.

Gender and sexuality is an amazing thing to play with. There are so many ways to express yourself and so much to learn about yourself. It's hard sometimes, but in the end it can be a really great feeling to live authentically as yourself.

Good luck and PM me if you have other questions. I am happy to help.

[Mitkoo0]

Hello Heathen! And thanks for your answer. I am happy that you share a little from your story too and I am happy for you. You mentioned for me too look and explore CD\TV. Yeah, I coud be one of those. Believe me, I have been like this for years and I have been a lot about everything. Maybe my culture and how i have been raised is what stopes me to be what i am truly inside. But I like my life as a man too, so I dont think there is a chance for me to be transgender. But crossdresser, yeah, maybe. Cause I will be a man in the day, I will go to work, play football and I would love in the night to dress sexy, even slutty and be with some man. Also I would love to wear female underwear daily, I mean forever . I am sure that I am heteroromantic, yeah. But I dont fantasies about both gender anymore in a sexual way, only for males, so that is what scares me and as you see, I am really confused.

Originally Posted by Mitkoo0

But I dont fantasies about both gender anymore in a sexual way, only for males, so that is what scares me and as you see, I am really confused.

May I ask what's so scary about the possibility of being homosexual? I am not saying you are, but I am curious where that fear comes from.

[Mitkoo0]

Originally Posted by Heathen

May I ask what's so scary about the possibility of being homosexual? I am not saying you are, but I am curious where that fear comes from.

Yeah, of course you can. I mean I dont judge other people, so you can say I accept gays, lesbians, trans and etc. But as for me I am not sure I want to be one of them. Maybe it is because how I have been raised. But you see me now, I think I might be gay, but that scares me and I cant accept it.. Its complicated and confusing..

I kind of get where you are coming from. When I first realized I was trans I was very upset. I didn't want to be, because I know trans folks generally have really hard lives in my country. I was also scared because I knew some people might not accept me, and to be honest I haven't told those people yet. But I will, eventually, because I have come to accept myself and I want to live honestly and openly.

It's hard not to be cis and het. I wish it weren't but in many places it is and it really sucks. I would suggest you take a step back from judging yourself so harshly if, in fact, you are not straight. You're not hurting anybody and it's not wrong. It's okay to be however you are, as long as you are kind to yourself and practicing informed consent with your partner(s).

[Mitkoo0]

Originally Posted by Heathen

I kind of get where you are coming from. When I first realized I was trans I was very upset. I didn't want to be, because I know trans folks generally have really hard lives in my country. I was also scared because I knew some people might not accept me, and to be honest I haven't told those people yet. But I will, eventually, because I have come to accept myself and I want to live honestly and openly.

It's hard not to be cis and het. I wish it weren't but in many places it is and it really sucks. I would suggest you take a step back from judging yourself so harshly if, in fact, you are not straight. You're not hurting anybody and it's not wrong. It's okay to be however you are, as long as you are kind to yourself and practicing informed consent with your partner(s).

Oh, you sweetie. I am glad that at least you come to accept yourself, so I am happy for you and I hope that eventually everything will come right in your case. I want to, if you can and if you want to of course, to give me your honest opinion on me and about this situation.. Even if you want, you can ask me any questions you want. I am sorry if I am bothered you, that is not my point. So I am really sorry if I did that. And sorry for my bad english

I mean honestly I'd probably just give it time. There's no need to know exactly right now what your sexual orientation is. It'd be easier to just stick a label on it and say, "there! That's what I am!" But these things are pretty fluid and, in the end, as frustrating as it is, only you can really decide what you identify as. I had a therapist once tell me I couldn't be gay if I had before enjoyed and reached sexual climax with a man. First of all, that's a very inappropriate thing for a therapist to say, ESPECIALLY if they were not asked their opinion, and secondly, I realized her opinion (which was uneducated, btw) was not valid. I knew how I felt about my sexuality, and that's what mattered.

[Mitkoo0]

Originally Posted by Heathen

I mean honestly I'd probably just give it time. There's no need to know exactly right now what your sexual orientation is. It'd be easier to just stick a label on it and say, "there! That's what I am!" But these things are pretty fluid and, in the end, as frustrating as it is, only you can really decide what you identify as. I had a therapist once tell me I couldn't be gay if I had before enjoyed and reached sexual climax with a man. First of all, that's a very inappropriate thing for a therapist to say, ESPECIALLY if they were not asked their opinion, and secondly, I realized her opinion (which was uneducated, btw) was not valid. I knew how I felt about my sexuality, and that's what mattered.

You are right and once again you speak with wisdom. I want to give it a time, but I am like this for years now, over 10 years, so I think its a time to do something and to know what I am.

I understand. It's easy to be inpatient, especially when you've been harboring these desires for so long. Is there any way for you to explore your feelings regarding men?

[Mitkoo0]

Originally Posted by Heathen

I understand. It's easy to be inpatient, especially when you've been harboring these desires for so long. Is there any way for you to explore your feelings regarding men?

Well, yeah. I mean I am from Bulgaria and there I lived alone. I had many pairs of panties, outfits and I have been going to work with girls thongs a lot, hehe. So there I could easily find someone and do it, but again my fears, stress and shame.. Recently I moved to Spain and for the moment I am with my parrents, but here are a lot more gays and men, who will be wiling to be with me. I am still learning spanish tho. I have Grindr (which is a gay app) on my phone and honestly there a lot of people, who are close to me. So I think maybe i will find someone. I need to overcome my fears, stress, shame and etc tho.

I wish you the best of luck! It's good to live fully authentically.

[Mitkoo0]

Originally Posted by Heathen

I wish you the best of luck! It's good to live fully authentically.

Thank you sweetie. As I wish you all the best too. But if you have to conclude now, after all that we talked, do you think I am really gay? What is your honest opinion?

The only opinion that really matters is your own. However, you've said you don't fantasize about women sexually and you do fantasize about men sexually, so it's possible you're gay, or maybe homofexible (you're mostly into people of the same sex but are occasionally sexually attracted to members of the opposite sex). I think the fact you want to be in a relationship with a woman, and have kids (which typically involves sex, for most people) means you have romantic interest in women and possibly sexual interest, but there are plenty of gay men who are biological fathers, so that's not necessarily the case.

Hope that helps. Remember, you can ask us as much as you want, but in the end only you can decide. I know that's scary but it's the truth.

[Mitkoo0]

Originally Posted by Heathen

The only opinion that really matters is your own. However, you've said you don't fantasize about women sexually and you do fantasize about men sexually, so it's possible you're gay, or maybe homofexible (you're mostly into people of the same sex but are occasionally sexually attracted to members of the opposite sex). I think the fact you want to be in a relationship with a woman, and have kids (which typically involves sex, for most people) means you have romantic interest in women and possibly sexual interest, but there are plenty of gay men who are biological fathers, so that's not necessarily the case.

Hope that helps. Remember, you can ask us as much as you want, but in the end only you can decide. I know that's scary but it's the truth.

Thank you once again. Yeah, I do dreamed about having a wife and kids, but its not the same anymore. I think I dont desire it that much now and with the way things go I will stop wanting it. And maybe I want to have a wife and kids, because that is expect from me. Honestly I think that now I am realizing that I am really gay and I cant fight with anymore, I cant turn back to the way I were. I think I am really gay now,submissive and maybe even a crossdresser, cause I really love girls panties, bra and clothes..

Sounds like you've answered your own questions then.

[Mitkoo0]

Originally Posted by Heathen

Sounds like you've answered your own questions then.

Its seems like it. I mean I was feeling that I am gay, thats why i questioned my sexuality and maybe I knew from the begining, but I was in big denial. Cause In reality I am a manly man and that side of me fights with the other side of me.Inside of me I want to be feminine, to be sexy, to be girly and to be with men.. I thnk thats what trully I am. I need to start accept it. But honestly talking with you really helps.

I'm glad I could help.

[Dawn.]

Hello there,

Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you are finding Teenhelp to be helpful.

In regards to your question, the best advice I can give you is to take your time and to be comfortable with whatever you decide. The only person that can make that choice is you and there is no rush in doing so. Experimenting is a good way to find out as long as you are protecting yourself the right way.

I hope this helped.

[Mitkoo0]

Originally Posted by Flight.

Hello there,

Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you are finding Teenhelp to be helpful.

In regards to your question, the best advice I can give you is to take your time and to be comfortable with whatever you decide. The only person that can make that choice is you and there is no rush in doing so. Experimenting is a good way to find out as long as you are protecting yourself the right way.

I hope this helped.

Thank you for your answer sweetie.

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Hi. Just reading through some of the previous posts and was wondering if you had considered the fact that you might be bisexual. From where I'm standing, it looks like you're attracted to both girls and boys. This might be completely wrong or something you've already thought about but I thought it would be something that might be useful. No offence if I'm wrong![/size][/color][/font]