Triggering: I'm trans and losing hope quickly.

[Lilyofthewest]

So, I'm an eighteen year old transgender female, pre-everything. I'm out to my closest friends, who are very accepting but I feel terrible for accepting their help, I'll get to that later on. However, I'm really struggling with my parents, who I'm not out to yet. The very thought of coming out to them at any stage scares me and I don't know how I'd react.

To tell the truth, they're not in any shape or form intolerant in general. I mean, they're socially liberal-ish, secular, very much "to each their own" sort of people. Plus, my uncle is openly bisexual and none of my family have any problem with it. I just think that me being a girl isn't what my parents would want for me. It's within reason, seeing as the world is quite a hostile place for transgender people, but I'll be miserable if I have to live as male forever. I know; I still live as male most of the time and I'm miserable.

I only really came to terms with being trans around a month and a half ago. I'd known it all along deep down, but I blocked those feelings of femininity out. I guess I was ashamed of who I was. Since then, I've expressed my true gender around my friends a few times, by wearing makeup and certain accessories. That was going fine until my mother went through my bag and found my makeup. She got really angry that I was wearing it without her knowing. She also pointed out that I hadn't really expressed any interest in girly stuff until now. That's not really true as I sort of hid it from my parents out of shame all along. Still, it sort of put me off wanting to come out to them, which really sucks as I can't go anywhere with transitioning until they know about it.

Then there's the fact that I feel like I'm burdening my friends, even if they want to help me. After that argument with my mother, three of my friends had to calm me down. I relapsed (cutting) after it and one of my friends (who knows I cut) looked very upset when I told her that and I can't help but feel as if I'm hurting them. I was suicidal and the only thing that really kept me from doing it was that I didn't want to hurt them any more than I have to by existing.

This is probably going to seem more like an incoherent rant than an actual request for advice, but what I really need is reassurance. Right now I'm wondering if I should just give up on transitioning and live as a male, as if it would be the lesser of two evils. But, at the same time, I don't think I'll ever be happy as a male. Does it get any easier? Ever? I'd also love to hear from anyone who has come out to their family and how they did it. Thanks in advance and I'm very grateful for anyone who read all of this.

[Mhk]

Hey,
I feel as though I'm in the same position. Honestly, I feel as though it would be best if you gave subtle hints towards your true gender identity. Maybe try to consider buying clothes that are more towards the feminine side and wear it around them. Almost like a little foreshadowing. If you do it right, your parents may have discussions about you and they may or may not confront you about your feelings. Honestly, when you come out, don't make it a surprise to them. If you give them enough time beforehand to see how you truly are, they will have more of a rational reaction.

Also, your friends do not have a burden placed on themselves. If anything, they care about you even more and would be quite happy to help you out. If they're true friends, they'll be there for you.
Hoped this helped

[Lilyofthewest]

GURL I LOVE YOUR NAME IT'S LIKE MY NAME

Anyhow, thanks so much for the advice. ^^ The next thing I planned to do once I had the money was to buy some girlish clothes, so that works. I guess my mother finding the makeup sort of acted as a subtle hint in a way; my friends have been advising me to drop a couple of those. I'm sort of trying to ease my parents into knowing I'm trans, gradually, as it'll help in the long run. Thanks a million!

[Mhk]

One thing to consider when buying clothes is that you might not want to start off expensive at all. Once you start HRT - if you chose to do so - then you'll have a different body figure and your clothes might not fit the same way.
Glad I helped

[Hiraeth]

I'm in the camp that firmly believes there is value to the "find an excuse to move far away, do everything, and then come back with a statement of what has already irreversibly occurred". That's what I did, it's what several others I've come across over the years (but mostly of similar cultural background) have done, and we've found it to be the least evil physically and emotionally.

Of course it's not for everyone. I don't, unfortunately, have any advice for the more common situation which is what you seem to be in now. There was absolutely no chance that following that path down would have worked for me - I would be dead by now. So I put forth every last ounce of my energy into finding a way to remove myself from the everyday periphery of people who knew and thought they had power over me. I didn't try to stay and work it out because I knew it was hopeless and I had wasted so much of my life already.

I've known people who decided not to transition, people who have detransitioned, as well as people who suppressed it as long as they could with whatever destructive habit they could until they broke down physically and emotionally and even after surviving that ordeal, will be haunted by the consequences of that decision for the rest of their life. Some people transition to increase their quality of life, others do it so they can have a life at all. Every person and their situation is different. One way to find out where you fit in all of that... might be to give different options a serious try.

For example: for the first two years after coming to terms with the fact that this was an acceptable explanation for most of the extreme mental instability I've had throughout my life, I was still scared to actually transition, so I decided that I would not do it and hope that just "accepting myself" intellectually would be sufficient. I gave that a serious try and failed miserably. Having done so, even when transition itself went through rough patches (and boy there were so many), I never regretted it or considered stopping because I knew from experience the alternative was untenable.

Often times, transition (or even just coming out as trans, or allowing yourself to express yourself a bit differently through dress) can bring on a whole new set of problems that very much makes it seem like life is "getting worse". For many years I was convinced that I was simply trading one set of problems for another. But the fundamental difference is that I now have a basic level of self-respect and self-integrity, whereas I did not before. That goes a long, long way in the bigger picture.

[DeathToNemo]

I can understand where you are coming from. I know it seems extremely stressful, but I don't suggest you decide to stay as your assigned sex. For many people, it's really difficult to go through puberty and continue through their life without transitioning, and I don't know what I would do if I lived the rest of my life without at least trying.

I suppose, in regards to family, it is often a lot harder to accept a family member as trans than as something else. I know, personally, my parents thought I was a lesbian, as I often gravitated towards more masculine clothing and expression. They were alright with that, because in their minds, I was still the same person. However, when they found out I was trans, rather than acceptance, there was more of a subtle denial. For parents, it's harder to accept the fact that your child isn't how they 'once were', not realizing that underneath, it has always been this way.

In regards to coming out, there was no.. particular moment for me. I actually had a breakdown before going to school, and I was sent to the hospital where I was kind of forced to tell a doctor about my dysphoria, who in turn told my parents. In a sense, I was grateful for not having to come out, and that I had a medical professional explain to my parents. Whether or not they accepted that was a different story.

If you decide to come out the 'Traditional way' ( though no one way is really the same each time) there are a few things that often happen. One will be anger or confusion. Another, which is often the biggest reaction, is denial. Parents often say things like 'This is just a phase' or 'You never acted this way until now, you are just confused' or my favorite 'Are you sure you aren't gay?'. Sure they are hurtful, but you have to understand that some people take a while to accept changes, even if they aren't that big. When coming out, try educating your parents on what being trans is, or asking them to visit a doctor with you, who can explain everything.

I know that most transgendered people I know want the 'fantasy reaction' where their parents say 'It's alright, I think I always knew, deep down' but very rarely does this happen.

Just hope that eventually they will learn to accept you, though personally, I think that you shouldn't need their permission or validation to feel like you can continue transitioning. The best way to approach it, though I don't mean this for every situation, is to just say, 'This is how I feel, I hope you can respect me for this, because there is no way in hell you can change it.'

I hope this helped, and if you have come out before reading this, then I hope it went well.

[Moxie.]

Hey there,

There's no timeline that says you need to come out at a certain time in your life. It's all about your comfort level and when you feel ready to come out. If you're not ready yet, it's completely okay for you to wait a bit longer. I completely understand how painful it can be to continue to live with such an important secret (I'm a lesbian who has yet to come out to my parents), but if coming out to your parents will give you more stress and anxiety than waiting a little bit longer, I would definitely recommend the latter.

If you do feel like you're ready to come out but are unsure how to go about it, I have a few suggestions to offer based on my experiences coming out to my sibling and some friends. Because intense feelings tend to accompany the moment you choose to come out, try rehearsing what you are going to say. If you have an idea of what you want to communicate to your parents, it will be easier for you to say it when they are sitting in front of you. If you don't think you'll be able to say it to them, you can always write them a letter and give it to them to read. If possible, try to come up with answers to any questions you feel they might ask. Again, it will make it easier on you, since you will most likely be somewhat emotional. It might help if you print out some literature online to give to your parents as additional resources.

Lastly, I want you to know that you are not a burden to your friends or anyone else. The people in your life that show support for your gender identity, stay with you and help calm you down, and provide you encouragement throughout this time in your life do these things because they want to. There is nothing forcing them to stay. They choose to be a part of your life because they love you and want to see you be happy. Reaching out to them is perfectly fine! Please know that you are valued, not burdensome.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or need to talk!