Forgiving an Abuser

[Mel]

Forgiving an Abuser
By Ellie

You may feel ready to forgive your abuser now, or you may feel as though you should read through this article. Leave and think about it for awhile, and come back when you're ready. Whether or not you forgive your abuser is your choice; there is no obligation. This is part of your personal recovery; though you may not have felt in control whilst you were in the abusive situation, you are in control now. This article will provide some steps to deal with what happened and eventually move forward in your life.

Whether what you've been through happened once or happened over a period of time, what happened was wrong. You did not do these things or choose for them to happen, and therefore are not to blame.

Forgiving your abuser does not mean that what happened was right; it is not a way of justifying what was done. Instead, it is a way of allowing yourself to detach from the abuse in order to move forward in your life.

Forgiving an abuser is a huge cornerstone in recovery, and one of the key points is where you allow the blame of what happened to lie. If you are convinced that what happened was your fault, it becomes very difficult to forgive your abuser. Likewise, when you start to forgive your abuser, you start to realize and understand that the blame lies with the abuser, not yourself.


What does forgiveness actually mean?

Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

Without forgiveness you remain the victim: the person that was hurt and suffered because of what happened. Unfortunately, forgiveness neither takes away the pain that you have suffered nor changes what has happened altogether. However, forgiveness does build the path for your future.

Sometimes, it is difficult to think of the overall process as “forgiveness”. You may feel as though your abuser doesn’t deserve forgiveness. However, keep in mind that this is about you, not your abuser. If you’re finding it hard to allow yourself to 'forgive,' try thinking of it as ‘letting go of the bitterness’ instead. Do you see how different phrasing can make a difference?

It's extremely important for you to be able to realize that forgiveness is challenging. It isn’t going to be easy; it won’t happen overnight. Give yourself time to come to terms with what you are doing, and understand what forgiving somebody actually entails. Take time out to take care of yourself; you are worth it.


Below are five possible steps to work through in order to achieve the forgiveness.

• Recognize the cost of staying bitter: bitterness is caused by time spent thinking about your abuser and the ways that your life has been damaged by them. Doing so keeps focus on your past rather than on your present. Staying bitter keeps you mentally connected with a person you do not want in your life.
• Decide what you want and make the decision to heal. Ask yourself if you are ready to do what it takes to sever the connection with your abuser in order to free yourself from your past.
• Choose to think positively. Each time your abuser crosses your mind, choose to think about something that makes you happy instead. Choose to channel your mental energy toward something that brings you joy rather than sorrow.
• Process painful emotions as they arise. You do not have to ignore your pain to forgive. Keep your focus on healing your pain instead of on hating your abuser.
• Become indifferent to your abuser. As you stop investing mental energy in hating your abuser, you will find yourself becoming indifferent to them. While most people think of hate as the opposite of love, the true opposite is indifference.

If you aren’t currently in counselling or therapy, this might be a good option for you to consider. A counsellor is someone who is there to listen and support you in a non-judgmental way as you deal with what has happened. A counsellor will work with you at your own pace; you will be in control of the sessions. They can help you decide when you want and are ready to forgive your abuser and will support you through the process.

A significant amount of what has been covered in this article speaks about it being your job to forgive, and some people may say that you shouldn’t have to do anything. After all, it was you that was hurt. However, it is you that has to take the steps to forgive. Why? It is you that will feel the benefits of it; it is you who is going to gain strength and grow from it. It isn’t an easy job, but it is a worthwhile one.

Please know that there is always someone here willing to listen and support you in any way that you need.


*~ What happened to you was wrong, but there is nothing wrong with you ~*