TeenHelp - What is gaslighting?

What is gaslighting?
By Cassie (cynefin)

"Gaslighting" is a term that is used to describe a negative behavior that someone displays towards someone else. This article will explain what gaslighting is and suggest what to do if someone is gaslighting you, or if you feel you're behaving that way toward someone else.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is when someone manipulates you into questioning your own sanity, even though your sanity is not what needs to be questioned. There are many ways that one person can gaslight another but examples could include someone telling you that you do not understand something (to make you question yourself) or criticizing something you've said or done in such a way that makes you question who you are as a person.

Why do people gaslight?

There are many reasons people gaslight and they may be particular to the situation they are in. However, gaslighting is typically a manipulative behavior that is done as a way to control someone else or coerce them into an outcome that the gaslighter believes is favorable.

Gaslighting can also be done to make someone feel guilty about something they have said or done. Someone could guilt trip you and make you question your choices, for example.

This behavior often indicates an emotionally abusive relationship. Gaslighting is a trait that can be seen within people who have narcissism as well.

Some people are aware of their behavior while others are not. People who are aware of their behavior are likely to be abusive, while those unaware of their behavior are less likely to be abusive. Additionally, people who are unaware of the fact that they are gaslighting likely learned it from someone else; it was probably presented as a normal behavior to them.

What to do if someone is gaslighing you

Make them aware of the behavior. Not everyone is aware of their behavior and speaking to them about your feelings can help them change for the better.
Utilize coping skills. You may benefit from picking up coping skills to assist you during this time. Different skills could include breathing exercises, yoga, distractions, guided imagery, affirmations, and more.
Avoid the person when possible. Find times to get out of the house or keep yourself busy with healthier people. The less you are around gaslighting, the better you'll feel.
Leave the person. If you are able to leave the person, that is something worth considering. If you are dating someone, for example, and you feel like their behavior is unhealthy for you, perhaps dating them is not best for you.

What to do if you're gaslighting someone

Ask someone to hold you accountable. It can be hard to be aware of your speech, so asking someone to hold you accountable can help you understand your speech from an outside perspective.
Think before you speak. Though it is simple, it can make a big difference in the long run. Thinking before you speak can give you a chance to construct your thoughts effectively.
Re-frame your words. If you are aware of the way you speak, try to reconstruct what you want to say even if you have already said something negative. This will allow you to actively work on how you speak to others.
Examine your feelings. Regardless of whether or not you do this with someone else or on your own, examining your feelings can help you see if there is an underlying issue that is influencing you to gaslight others.

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