The fear of becoming your abuser

[TeenHelp]

The fear of becoming your abuser
By Cassie (Cassado)

Though it is not talked about, many survivors of abuse fear that they will someday turn into their abusers. Part of this is likely to do with the misconception that all survivors of abuse become abusers themselves. Almost all abusers were abused, but reoffending is relatively rare. This article will discuss what the fear is, why it is there, and how to cope with this fear.

What it is

The fear of becoming your abuser is most likely in the form of an intrusive thought, which is often associated with anxiety or obsessive compulsive disorder. Intrusive thoughts can be a thought by itself or even a vision of an upsetting scenario. Everyone has intrusive thoughts in their lifetime, but people with anxiety have a more difficult time letting them go. As a result, they give the thoughts more attention and then the thoughts become more distressing.

Why the fear exists

Reasons for the existence of this fear vary, as everyone responds to life events differently. People may struggle with them because of anxiety or obsessive compulsive disorder, increased self-awareness, or because of something that has been said.

Anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder are often intense as the result of the abuse. As previously mentioned, people with anxiety and other struggles have difficulty letting these negative thoughts go. People with obsessive compulsive disorder may struggle with the obsession part of whether or not they will become the abuser, but not the compulsion. Compulsions, however, could include things such as self-harming a certain number of times or obsessively checking the locks.

Many people who have been abused have an increased awareness of themselves and of other people. Survivors are usually aware of how often abuse happens in addition to being aware of themselves. This self-awareness, while positive, can be triggering in that it can cause someone to constantly question themselves. They are aware that anyone can become an abuser, and wonder whether or not they will become one.

Often, abusers manipulate their victims into believing that the abuse was their fault. They may tell a victim that they are actually the abuser, or that they caused the pain when they did not. Additionally, other people can indirectly fuel the fear. For instance, if a mother (unaware of the abuse by a father) tells a child they are acting like their father, the child may feel that they are the abuser. The child can also internalize that fear and struggle with it later in life.

How to cope with these thoughts

Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is about being present in the current moment. It can also be about being aware and nonjudgmental of the thoughts in your mind. Practicing mindfulness may help you begin to slowly let these thoughts and fears go.

Write a list of why you are not an abuser. Writing a list of why you are not your abuser is a productive exercise that can help you realize that you are separate from your abuser. You are two very different people and noting these differences can help you decrease the intensity of your thoughts. Keep this list around for future reference.

Distract yourself. It is easier said than done, but distracting yourself can help take away your thoughts momentarily while allowing you to put your energy into something positive. When the thoughts become too much, consider doing things such as taking a walk, spending time with someone, or cleaning around the house.

Take a nap or go to bed early if you are able to. Sometimes obsessing over the fear becomes too much and other coping skills or distractions do not work. Going to bed early or taking a power nap may help your mind reboot. You can also listen to guided meditations while lying down so your mind has something different to focus on.

Talk to someone you trust. Talking to someone can be hard, but sometimes it is helpful to talk to someone about experiencing this fear. Someone can validate you and support you in the way you deserve.

Things to remember

People who abuse do not fear becoming an abuser. Instead, people who abuse often enjoy the intrusive thoughts instead of struggle with them. Though the fear of becoming your abuser can be very distressing, the fear in itself is a good sign.

Many abusers had the abusive behaviors normalized for them. People who have had positive influences to show them that abuse is not a normal, healthy behavior, have thrived later in life.

Though dissociation or frequent use of alcohol or drugs can influence someone to reoffend, what a person does while dissociating or under the influence of substances greatly depend on their personality. For instance, someone with a selfless personality may take a nap or punish themselves, while someone with an unhealthy personality is more likely to reoffend.

It is not about the thoughts you have; it’s about how you do or do not act that defines you. Everyone has intrusive thoughts from time to time and no one is bad for having those thoughts. It is the way you act based on those thoughts that matters most.

You are not your abuser. Remember that you and your abuser are separate people. They may have abused you, but that certainly doesn’t mean you will turn out like them. Your abuse does not define who you are as a person. You are in control of your actions and you will be able to work through this.