Facing your abuser

[TeenHelp]

Facing your abuser
By Cassie (Cassado)

Whether you're expecting to or not, facing your abuser can bring up a lot of difficult feelings and memories. Feelings such as anxiety, anger, or numbness may arise. Intense self-destructive urges or past memories can resurface, even if you thought you had already worked through them. This article is going to discuss how to handle running into your abuser, or how to cope with seeing them on a regular basis.

It's a small world and many people may run into their abuser at the grocery store or at the gym. Running into your abuser is bound to take you by surprise and that alone is difficult to cope with. Some people have to see their abuser at a planned event, such as a holiday family gathering or a church event. Other people still live with their abuser because they are financially dependent on them, or are under the age of eighteen.

Coping skills for unexpectedly seeing your abuser require quick thinking. This can be hard because it is easy to forget your skills when you're feeling upset. Any distraction or grounding technique you can think of in the moment can be beneficial. For instance, if you run into your abuser at the grocery store, you might ground yourself by giving yourself a piece of gum and focusing on breathing deeply.

If you see your abuser regularly, or you have to see them at a future event, you can plan different ways to cope. You can bring a friend along for support, or keep fidget toys with you to keep your hands busy so you don't self-harm without realizing it. You can plan to leave a few minutes earlier than everyone else or even come up with a code word to use with someone who is aware of what you're going through.

Seeing your abuser is very difficult and the feelings you have surrounding that should not be taken lightly. You'll need to cope with anticipatory anxiety (if expecting to see them), being around them, and you'll need to recover from seeing them. Below are a few ways you can cope with facing your abuser.

Note: Many of these tips apply to abuse that is no longer occurring. If your abuse is ongoing, it is important to tell someone about it so you can get the help and support you deserve. You can tell someone you trust, call the police, or call abuse hotlines specific to your area.

Acknowledge your abuse. Your abuser might say something to make you doubt your experience, or the sight of them might make you struggle with acceptance. A simple statement, such as, "My father sexually abused me," or, "[Insert name] was emotionally abusive," can help you acknowledge it. You can write your statement down or say it out loud. You can also talk to someone you trust about your acceptance or lack thereof.

Remind yourself that it is not your fault. Abusers or people who support them commonly make remarks such as, "You asked for it," or, "I disciplined you for misbehaving." Abuse is never the victim's fault. No one deserves to be violated and harmed in such a horrible way. There's no excuse to harm someone else, but abusers tend to make excuses so they don't have to take the blame.

Use coping skills that are specific to your feelings. If seeing your abuser gives you anxious energy, you might consider exercising or cleaning around the house to burn it off. If your abuser makes you angry, you can write a letter to them and then find a creative way to destroy it. You can fight numbness by taking a hot or cool shower, and you can work through sadness by allowing yourself to cry or watching funny videos on YouTube.

Remember to breathe. The sight of your abuser alone can make you anxious. When you're upset, your breathing is often the first thing that changes. Once your breathing changes, the rest of your body quickly follows. Inhale, hold your breath for a few seconds, and then exhale. Picture your anxiety being released when you exhale. Practice this for a few minutes for maximum benefit.

Ground yourself. It might help to remind yourself that the abuse is not happening in that moment and you are safe. Tell yourself that you are strong because you survived the abuse you were put through. Look around the room and list things you can see, hear, smell, feel or taste. Pick particular objects and make mental lists of their uses. Remind yourself of the day of the week and of your location, or name the people that are around you.

Surround yourself with other people. Do not, under any circumstances, spend time alone with your abuser. If it is just you and your abuser in the house, try to stay out of the house and away from them as often as you can. If you're at a family gathering, stay around people you are most comfortable with. Spending time alone with your abuser can be extremely triggering for you.

Do what you feel most comfortable with. Keep in mind that you don't owe anyone anything. You do not have to attend a family gathering if you don't feel like you're ready to. You don't have to stay in the same store that you encounter your abuser at, and you most certainly do not have to socialize with them. It is important to put yourself and your well-being first.

Reach out to people in your support system. If people know about your abuse, let them know you're struggling with facing your abuser so they can help you. Tell them what they can do to assist you if you have anything particular in mind. If you're seeing a professional, lean on them for advice and additional support.

Create a safety plan. Seeing your abuser can be triggering, and can cause intense self-harm or suicidal urges. Plan things you can do and people you can reach out to if you're feeling this way. Write the plan down so you can refer to it when you're in a crisis.

Remember to take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. You will need time to recover after seeing someone who harmed you. It is normal to feel a variety of different things after seeing your abuser, and all of your feelings are completely valid. Try to eat and drink regularly, and get enough sleep. Neglecting self-care can make you feel worse.

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