Narcissistic abuse

[TeenHelp]

Narcissistic abuse
By Cassie (Cassado)

Narcissistic abuse is most commonly a type of emotional abuse. However, narcissists can also use physical and sexual abuse to manipulate their victims. Emotional abuse is characterized as behaviors that can create an emotional trauma for the victims. Narcissistic abuse is when a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder harms other people with their severe narcissistic traits. This article is going to explain the two main types of narcissists as well as the lasting effects of narcissistic abuse.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a “mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others” [source]. Narcissism is often developed due to a childhood trauma, such as abuse, a death in the family, or a divorce. It is developed when a trauma stunts the emotional growth. They can also learn the behavior from narcissistic parents. Thus, a narcissist of the age of thirty may have the mindset of a five year old. Narcissists use people in their family and other relationships to help fuel their sense of entitlement or their superiority complex. Narcissists have low self-esteem and a need to be in control. They control and manipulate others so they can be reminded of their importance. The following are a few explained signs of a narcissist:

• Lack of awareness of other people. Narcissists focus so much on themselves that they are unable or unwilling to acknowledge the feelings or needs of other people. Narcissists might talk about how they have a right to feel angry, but they won't allow you to feel the same emotion. They have double standards and they believe they are entitled to things you are not entitled to.
• Projection. Narcissists will project their feelings and wrongdoings onto you. For instance, if they do not like their appearance, they might decide to belittle yours. If you confront a narcissist they will likely twist your words and throw them back in your face to make you look like the perpetrator.
• They have an amazing perception of themselves and they talk very highly of themselves. Narcissists may think people like them when they do not. They believe this because their victims are manipulated into saying they like them. Narcissists also talk very highly of their achievements. They may brag or talk about one single achievement over and over again for weeks.
• They believe they are superior. They often think they are better than other people because they have something others do not such as money or other objects. A lot of narcissists think they are superior to anyone younger than them and they believe that they know more than anyone younger.
• They downplay your experiences but exaggerate their own. If you're sick with the flu, for instance, they're likely to tell you to get over it. If they get the flu, however, they need to be babied and they act as if they are recovering from open heart surgery.
• They have a victim mentality. They act as though they are always the victim or the target of someone's inappropriate behavior. They have a tendency to blame their problems on other people because they do not ever take responsibility.
• Narcissists also guilt trip people or take advantage of people so they can get what they want. They are all take and no give. They require constant reassurance that they are not in the wrong. For example, a narcissist might say, “I'm sorry I'm so stupid” to make you feel bad for standing up for yourself. When they say something like this, they are looking for you to reassure them that they are not, in this case, stupid.
• Narcissists do not feel remorse, nor do they give genuine apologies. They don't recognize what they're doing as abuse and often brainwash their victims into feeling guilty for claiming that they are being abused. A narcissist may apologize with a phrase like, “I'm sorry that it is your fault” or “I'm sorry you got in my way.” Hell will freeze over before a narcissist gives a genuine, heartfelt apology.
• They are unable to form intimate relationships. They do not allow themselves to get close to other people. If they feel themselves getting close to someone, they will use one of their abusive tactics to make sure that doesn't happen.
• They do not ever admit to being wrong. Because of this, many narcissists do not get therapy for their personality disorder. The number of narcissists who get help for their narcissism is extremely low.

There are two main types of narcissists: overt and covert. Overt narcissists are the most common and they are the easiest to seek out. Overt narcissists are open with their behavior and they often mistreat everyone in their path. They are demanding and they seek attention and affection from people who surround them. These narcissists don't normally go out of their way to hide their behavior.

Covert narcissists are quieter than overt narcissists. They are masters of deception and lying. They care a lot about their outward appearance and they generally mistreat people close to them, like friends and family. For example, some narcissists who sexually abuse children will often talk about their faith in religion to maintain their outward appearance. Their supposed faith makes them look good to others and the stories of the children they abuse are less likely to hold a lot of truth for people in the abuser's outer circle. Some of those same narcissists will involve themselves in children's activities, like coaching a soccer team, for instance. They make it appear as though they have perfect, caring intentions, when that isn't true.

Narcissists tend to target kind hearted, sensitive people. Sensitive people are often very caring toward others but they do not always treat themselves with the same respect. Because of this, they are unlikely to stand up for themselves and narcissists can sense that. Narcissists take advantage of their victim's kindness and silence.

Narcissists use several manipulative tactics to harm their victims. They can isolate them, silence them, withhold affection, threaten, or criticize them. The following explains some of their tactics:

• Isolation. Narcissists will wait until victims are alone with them to insult them. They know that without witnesses, it is only themselves against their victims. They later use their charm and talent with deception to make it seem like their victims are crazy for accusing them of such behavior.
• Silence. A lot of narcissists will use the silent treatment as a way to make people feel guilty or as a way to punish them. They will use this tactic to punish victims for anything under the sun but it is most commonly used when the victim confronts them about their behavior. Narcissists will deny their behavior and they will sometimes even brainwash the victim into believing their memories of abuse are false. They will then twist victim's words and blame them or use the silent treatment.
• Withholding affection. As a punishment, narcissists will not allow victim's to engage in any sort of affection whether it is hugging, kissing, or holding hands. This is most common with spouses and other family members such as their own children.
• Threatening. They use threats as a way for victims to give them what they want. They may threaten physical or sexual violence. They can also threaten to leave or to withhold affection or anything else that is important to their victims.
• Criticizing. Narcissists may criticize the likes and dislikes of their victims. For instance, they might make their victim feel stupid for liking a certain band or book genre. When having healthy debates, a narcissist might only give their side without ever really listening to the perspectives of other people. They often belittle people's accomplishments. If someone gets all A's and one B, they'll focus on the B instead of the A's. They are also known for changing the topic so victims aren't allowed to express anything that is important to them.

It may be tempting for victims to reason with their abuser or to try and stand up for themselves. However, this usually backfires and only adds to the victim's frustration. When confronted, narcissists usually deny their behavior, use the silent treatment, and then twist their victim's words so it looks like the victim is at fault. If they do apologize, it is not a true apology.

The best way to deal with a narcissist is to cut as much contact as possible. If the narcissist is an internet friend, for example, a victim should slowly cut all forms of communication until they no longer speak to each other. If it is harder to cut contact with someone, like a parent, for example, there should only be contact when needed. It is easiest for the victim to smile and nod as well as withhold any information that can later be used against them. It is recommended for them to not speak unless spoken to and to spend as much time away from the narcissist as possible. School aged victims are encouraged to participate in numerous extra curricular activities to stay out of the house and away from their abuser. Narcissist thrive when their victims are in close proximity to them. They will not thrive when they have as little contact as possible with their victims.