Having Unfair Expectations of the Child We Once Were

[CanadaCraig]

Having Unfair Expectations of the Child We Once Were
By CanadaCraig

If you were abused in some way when you were a child - that abuse was being understood by you AS a child. And if you are now 15 years old [Or 50 years old] it is UNFAIR of you to try to apply your 'adult logic' [Or your 'more mature you' logic] to what you went through as a child. But we do that all the time. And we have no right to do that. But worse than that - we often shame the child we once were - and blame them for 'things' that are NOT THEIR FAULT. "I [meaning ME when was a child] should have known better!!" Or "I [meaning ME when I was a child] should have STOPPED the abuse or kept it from happening!!" [And so on]

A child is - by his or her very nature - almost completely self-absorbed. [And that includes you and me when WE were a child] It would stand to reason then - that if something bad happens TO that child [TO US - when WE were a child] it MUST BE THEIR FAULT. They MUST have 'asked for it' or 'caused it to happen'. That's not true. But there is no other way for a child to interpret it. When the world revolves around you - as it does for a child - of course you assume responsibility for whatever happens. To a child - how could that NOT be true?! A child almost always assumes that he or she is responsible if his or her parents are drinking or doing drugs or fighting. A child almost always assumes that they MUST have caused their parents to separate and/or get a divorce. A child almost always assumes that he or she is responsible [And MUST have done SOMETHING WRONG] IF they were abandoned and/or given up for adoption. ["How could it NOT be my fault' - says the logic of a child] A child also almost always assumes that he or she is responsible if they are abused in some way. [Mentally and/or physically and/or sexually] And as we get older - we hold on to those feelings because we have failed [As an adult or as a more mature person] to let that child [That child that we once were] KNOW that they were NOT responsible for what happened TO them and/or around them. And until we live up to that responsibility - that child will NEVER be at peace. He or she will ALWAYS be waiting for us to love them enough to take them by the hand and let them know the TRUTH. We must let our child KNOW that they are loved and that we do NOT blame them for ANYTHING. And we MUST also let our child know that it's OK for THEM to let go of the past - to let go of feeling responsible - and to allow us [The adult or more mature person that we have become] to get on with the job of living. We must ALSO reassure our 'child' by letting them know that THEY will NOT be abandoned by us. That they ARE - and will forever BE - a part of who we are - a part that we will always love and respect.

If you have unfair expectations of the child you once were - you need to become the 'parent' or 'big brother or sister' that child has always wanted and needed. YOU need to be there for THEM. Far too often - the most abusive person in our child's life - is US. Instead of lovingly reassuring our child of their innocence - we far too often verbally attack them and berate them. And in doing so - we give LIFE to a LIE. Our abuse of our child convinces that child that he or she is RIGHT for feeling the way they do. If that was not true [Says our child] then why are you so mean to me? It's a viscous cycle that will never end - no matter how old we get - UNLESS we choose to follow a new path - one that is based on the truth - one that is based on LOVE. Child abuse is a horrible thing. But even worse is that most children end up being abused by the person they become. And isn't that sad? Be nice to yourself. Be nice the child you once were. And get on with living your life.