How to train a child

[Rob]

How to train a child
By Robin (PSY)

How many times have you been out in public and witnessed a child throwing a temper tantrum or sobbing uncontrollably because they didn't get what they wanted? How have you felt in those situations? Did you feel the parent or caretaker could have done a better job at handling the situation? What would you have done differently? Working with children can be very challenging, whether you are the parent, sibling, extended family member, a friend, or babysitter. The good news is that you don't have to be like the helpless parents or caretakers you've seen in the past - there are some very simple ideas you can use that will help you with your troublesome children. The not-so-good news is that "training" children takes time, just as training animals takes time. You will need a great deal of patience and dedication to the "training plan" if you want to see some significant changes in a child's behavior.

Before we begin exploring the two ideas presented in this article, some brief explanations are needed. “Reinforcement” is given when we want a certain behavior to be repeated in the future (ex. cleaning one's room), and “punishment” is given when we do not want a certain behavior to be repeated in the future (ex. hitting a sibling). For the purposes of this article, “positive” does not refer to “good”, and “negative” does not refer to “bad”. Instead, “positive” refers to “the addition of,” and “negative” refers to “the removal of.” Therefore, when we talk about “positive reinforcement,” we are stating that something has been added in order to encourage a certain behavior, whereas with “negative punishment,” we are stating that something has been removed in order to discourage a certain behavior.

Positive reinforcement

You should all be familiar with this form of training. “If you clean your room, I'll let you play video games for an hour!” “If you finish all your vegetables, I'll let you have ice-cream for dessert!” Children are often motivated to do things they don't like in order to receive something they do like. The key is to make the treat meaningful and reasonable. For example, if the child doesn't like video games or ice-cream, you will need to find something that the child is willing to work for. In addition, the treat should be reasonable, so you shouldn't spend excessive amounts of money on treats or make promises you cannot keep (ex. “If you get an 'A' on the next test, I'll let you do anything you want for a day!”). Positive reinforcement works well with children because it gives them a concrete reason to perform a certain behavior for you. As we grow older, we are able to think about the long-term rewards and consequences for our behaviors (ex. doing some homework every night so we aren't scrambling to get it done at the end of the semester); however, younger children can only think so far ahead, so promising them a reward one month from now may not be very meaningful to them.

The downside of positive reinforcement is that you can fall into the same trap as the parents and caretakers you have seen in the past. What parents and caretakers often do is promise a reward for everything that the child does correctly. Eventually, the child begins to expect a reward for every correct behavior. Think about this for a moment - what would happen if you constantly expected rewards from your parents for everything you did correctly? It would be absurd for a teenager to ask their parents for a reward every time they completed a homework assignment! At some point, we stop relying on our parents for rewards and find or create our own rewards. An example of this may include giving yourself an hour of time on the computer for every homework assignment you complete. You may still expect praise and words of encouragement from parents, but you no longer expect them to give you a tangible reward for everything you do correctly. When using positive reinforcement, it is important to slowly wean a child off of receiving rewards for every behavior that is performed correctly, or shifting from tangible rewards to praise and words of encouragement. Think about how you would train a dog to sit on command. Initially, you would give the dog a treat every time they sat when you said "Sit." Once the dog knew the command and successfully sat every time you said "Sit" you would start to give the dog a treat every other time, or maybe you would begin petting the dog and saying "Good boy/girl" instead of giving it a treat. Eventually, the dog would sit on command, regardless of whether or not you rewarded them. The same concept applies for children.

Negative punishment

You should also be familiar with this form of training. "If you can't share this toy with your sister, I'll take it away for the rest of the day." "If your room is still messy two hours from now, I'll cancel your play-date with your friend." Just as children are willing to do something in order to receive a reward, children are often motivated to do (or not do) something in order to avoid a punishment. The threat of being "grounded" will cause many children (and teenagers!) to switch from disobeying a parent or caretaker to readily agreeing to do whatever is asked of them. Like positive reinforcement, the key is to make the punishment meaningful and reasonable. For example, the toy that is taken away should be meaningful to the child (otherwise, they won't care if they can't play with it for a day), and the friend that is visiting should be meaningful to the child (otherwise, they won't care if the play-date is cancelled). In addition, the punishment should be reasonable, so threatening to throw the toy away or threatening to ground the child for a month would be excessive (needless to say, physical abuse is NEVER acceptable as a negative punishment).

The downside of negative punishment is that children can be discouraged by it, and eventually believe that the parent or caretaker does not love them. You may have dealt with a similar situation at some point. Many teenagers feel that parents or teachers "hate" them because they never offer praise or words of encouragement, and only seem to criticize or complain about what was done incorrectly. In these situations, we don't always think to ourselves, "Maybe they really do care about me, but they just aren't showing it." Instead, we make assumptions based on what we see, and children are the same way. That is why it is essential to use positive reinforcement in addition to negative punishment, so that children will not become discouraged and begin to develop maladaptive ways of thinking ("They don't love me," "I can't do anything right," "I'm a failure," "There's no point in trying, since it will never be good enough.") A dog that is always yelled at for doing something wrong, but never rewarded for doing something right, will begin to fear and distrust its master. You can avoid this problem by making a point of offering praise and encouragement when it is warranted, and only punishing when it is absolutely necessary (ex. the child has ignored your request more than once, or the child is doing something that could be potentially harmful or dangerous to themselves or others).

Remember to keep these four concepts in mind when working with children:

• Meaningful: The reward or punishment should have some value for the child. Otherwise, the child will not be motivated to perform or stop a certain behavior.
• Reasonable: The reward or punishment should not be excessive. Otherwise, the child will either develop unrealistic expectations for rewards, or become discouraged by the severity of the punishments.
• Immediate: The reward or punishment should be delivered as soon as possible. Otherwise, the child may not see the connection between their behavior and the reward or punishment.
• Consistent: The reward or punishment should be delivered as promised. Otherwise, the child may become distrustful, or fail to take the parent or caretaker seriously.