Talking to your parents about sex

[Rob]

Talking to your parents about sex
By Traci (Coffee.)

Growing up, many people had “the talk” about sex with their parents. Although often awkward, these moments created a mutual closeness where parents and kids got to speak about adult choices and felt comfortable continuing a lifelong discussion. However, for some, these discussions were uncomfortable and uninformative with the subject never being brought up again. But no matter what, the time has come; you're in puberty, you have questions, and the best people to ask are your parents.

If you asked most parents when they want their child to start being sexually active, the answer would most likely be in the realm of "never.” But that’s not realistic. Whether one waits until tomorrow or until they are married, the majority of individuals will become sexually active at some point in their life, and need to know information in order to make smart decisions. Parents do not bring up these subjects with their teens for a variety of reasons, such as not wanting to accept that their child is being sexually active, being worried that they do not possess the proper information, and even believing that the knowledge will inspire their teens to have sex at an earlier age. However, this information is crucial in order for their teens to make decisions that will affect the outcomes of their lives. Research shows that teens who can talk to their parents about sex make safer decisions regarding it.

Now, what if they don’t bring it up first? Parents often have the idea that “if the child doesn't bring it up first, they don’t want to know.” While this isn't the best tactic, it's a common belief, so sometimes, it's necessary for the teenager to ask their parents rather than waiting until their parents talk to them. Here are some tips for "breaking the ice" and starting a conversation with parents about topics related to sexuality:

Plan and prepare
The first step in talking to your parents about sex is to plan on exactly what you are going to say. It might be beneficial to write down the precise questions you want to ask and go from there. It's also helpful to start with a particular topic of interest, perhaps something that is going on in the news or something at school. For example, you could begin the conversation with "My friend from school recently got pregnant, so I wanted to talk to you about sexuality and birth control options."

Another point to consider is when and where you are going to ask them. Times to avoid are times of great stress, such as in the morning or after they had a bad day. You should also try to find a quiet place with little distractions, and obviously in a private location where nobody is made to feel uncomfortable or judged. Another good idea is to preface with, "I would like to have a private discussion with you." That way, they can have a choice in saying that the specific time is not a good one but you can all plan on another time. Remind them that you love and trust them, and this is the reason that you are asking them for advice rather than your friends or the Internet. Overall, it's very important to prepare for these types of conversations and to have a good idea what you are going to say. Failure to plan can very often lead to tension or awkward moments.

Talk about safe sex, but don't forget other topics!
Obviously, the most important questions you may have will probably have to do with protection, and there is loads to ask. Perhaps you would like to mention your thoughts or concerns about going on a hormonal birth control or ask questions about condoms. This might be uncomfortable for your parents as you are their child, but your parents care about your health, and the prevention of sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy is important. Ask them for their advice and recommendations on all types of contraceptives.

Protection is not the only important topic when it comes to sexuality; relationships play a key role in sex, so it might be good to ask your parents' advice on sex in regards to relationships. These discussions could talk about when it is appropriate to get involved sexually or communicating with a partner. Other topics might be sexual orientation and feelings about gender. As with birth control, these may not be conversations that you'd like to have every day, but they are important to talk about with your loved ones.

Last, this might be a good time to mention any necessary sexual health appointments that you need. Puberty is the time where many young people need to begin pelvic exams and consider getting cervical cancer screenings and vaccinations, or learn about the prevention of testicular cancer. This also may be a good time to get tested for sexually transmitted infections if you are sexually active.

Be prepared for a variety of reactions
Sexuality is not easy for many people to talk about, specifically to one's own children. Some parents may react quite positively, and although the conversation can be awkward, things will not get tense. Some parents, on the other hand, may not react as positively. Be ready to end the conversation if things get too uncomfortable, but don't be scared to bring it up again. This is an important topic for your health, and as much as they may not initially want to talk about it, they'll appreciate you wanting to know their opinion.

Consider that they may not have the same opinion on some topics as you. Many parents want their child to stay abstinent until marriage, and although that works for many people and is a very safe option, it's not the right choice for everybody. Take what they say into account but don't feel as though you have to discount your values; they have a reason they believe that way just as you have a reason you believe as you do. Remember to keep an open mind and remember that there is value in listening to them. In the end, your decisions on sex are going to be yours and only yours, but it's good to know your parents' views on the subject.

In conclusion, it's very important to learn about sex and sexual choices from somebody you trust, and a great resource is your parents. If this is a subject that you feel would be impossible to talk about with your parents, know that there are other trusted adults you can bring these subjects up with as well. Doctors, school nurses and other healthcare providers are usually more than willing to talk to you about different health concerns, and are often trained in subjects surrounding sexuality. Other adults can include distant family members, family friends, trusted neighbors and teachers. But hopefully, your parents are receptive to these important discussions and the connection brings you all closer together.