Honest about dishonesty

[Storyteller.]

Honest about dishonesty
by Robin (PSY)

Why do we lie? Tad Williams once said that “we tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.” We also lie when we want to profit from something, to get out of trouble, or to spare the feelings of our loved ones. There are many positive things we can gain from lying, but how does lying benefit us in the long run? The occasional “white lie” may not hurt anyone, but frequent lying can lead to serious consequences, whether those lies are big or small. Telling our parents we were studying at the library, when we were really out with friends, can result in punishment and a loss of trust (which, as we all know, can be difficult to earn back). Many of us have claimed to be sick and skipped work for the day, but if caught by a co-worker or supervisor, we can experience a cutback in hours or be fired altogether. Even omitting the truth about a previous romantic relationship (versus lying outright) can lead to unnecessary fighting and possibly a break-up.

We may be disturbed upon realizing how frequently and easily we lie to our loved ones. We may wonder when it all started, and how we can stop lying altogether, both to protect our relationships and our integrity. It may surprise us to learn that lying is not something we “pick up on” when we hang out with the wrong people in middle or high school. In fact, many of us lie for the first time before we are even two years old! Toddlers may claim to have eaten all their vegetables in order to get dessert,even after we have watched them drop all their vegetables onto the floor right before our eyes. Preschoolers often create imaginary friends and alternate realities, insisting they don't have to go to school because “Mary” is in trouble and needs their help. Young children may “forget” to tell their parents about difficult homework assignments or failing grades in order to avoid discomfort and embarrassment. It seems the problem is NOT that we lie, but that we become better and better at it with practice. By the time we reach our pre-teen years, we know how to deceive our parents and get what we want without being caught. We learn how to create more “believable” lies when we don't want our friends to be angry with us. The easier it is to lie (and get away with it), the more likely we are to lie often, and about a variety of things.

This leads us to another question: can a person suffer from compulsive lying? If someone consumed excessive amounts of alcohol every day, they would slowly become addicted to the substance, and thus become an alcoholic. If someone lied excessively, they could eventually develop a habit of lying, and thus become a compulsive liar. There is one key difference between alcoholism and compulsive lying, however: while alcoholism is perceived as a disorder by psychological professionals, compulsive lying is not. Instead, it is treated as a symptom or sign of another disorder, such as bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. This suggests that compulsive liars cannot be “treated” for their problem. A compulsion, while difficult to resist, is not the same as a physical addiction to a substance such as alcohol.

So how can we stop lying? Essentially, we need to think of lying (compulsive or not) as a habit that needs to be broken. It is within our power to change our habit of lying, if we are willing to admit we have a problem and believe that we can be in control of our actions. Take some time to think about the first question again: why do we lie? If you discover that you lie most often in order to avoid punishment, then avoid getting into trouble in the first place. If you lie in order to be socially accepted, then perhaps you should seek out new friends who will truly accept you. Find new ways to adapt to situations that would normally tempt you to lie, or avoid them altogether. Finally, it may help to simply pause before answering someone's question and ask yourself, “Is this a lie?” Sometimes, taking a few more seconds to think about your response is all that is needed in order to recognize why you lie and to begin breaking the habit of lying.

It is never easy to break a habit; however, with the right mindset and support from loved ones, you can begin to reduce the number of times you lie each day. In extreme cases, you may feel that additional support is needed. Support groups or “twelve step” programs that target compulsive lying may exist in your area. Psychological professionals who specialize in cognitive and behavioral therapy can offer techniques for coping with the situations that tempt you to lie. Psychological professionals can also offer assessments and diagnoses, if you suspect that your lying may be due to a mental disorder.