My friend is pregnant...for the third time.

[dani99]

I have a friend who has already had two children (One when she was 13 and another when she was 15). She is 18 now, but is a grade behind so she won't be out of college until she is 19 almost 20. The baby's daddy doesn't know she's pregnant and she doesn't plan on telling him because he cheated on her and he's moving in a few months. She told me she's several weeks pregnant (I'm not sure exactly how many), and she's scared to tell her mom because she thinks her mom will blow up on her for being pregnant a third time.

Both of her sons are adopted, but she doesn't know if she can go through the same pain again. She doesn't know how to tell her mom that she is pregnant once again. I know how pregnancies work (because I've experienced my mother being pregnant and another friend being pregnant), and I know that being a teen mom is one of the hardest thing a teenager can do. I know to support her and be there for her, but I feel really bad for her and I want to help her get ready to tell her mom.

She's really upset and disappointed in herself for becoming pregnant a third time. She's taking it hard, and doesn't know what to do. She said that she was planning on getting a place of her own, because she has a job that's enough to support just herself. But now with a baby, she knows that day will have to wait.

So, any advice on how to cheer her up and prepare her to tell her mom, and maybe convince her to tell her boyfriend so she can get child support to help her with the baby?

[Harmony♥]

The decision on whether or not to tell her boyfriend is entirely up to her. However, you can steer her in the right direction. A secret is only a secret for so long, and as much as we'd like to try, a pregnancy isn't something that is going to go unnoticed. If she is already several weeks pregnant, but you aren't sure of how far along she is, it could only be a matter of time before she begins showing at this point, which makes the chances of having an abortion (if that's what she would like to do) lower. Woman can only have an abortion within the first trimester of their pregnancy. Having one done after that is very rare, and unheard of and is only done for medical reasons only (usually if the mothers life is in danger).

If both of her previous children have been adopted, I'd try to steer her in that same direction. Obviously, she CAN care for this child because she is old enough, but it's best to let her think on her own what decision she wants to make. You just need to be there for her.

Offer to sit with her when she tells her mom. Like I said, it's not going to be kept hidden for very long, and she needs to tell her mother before she begins to show. It won't be so surprising then.

I'd also talk to her about the different forms of birth control. It doesn't sound like she's very educated on different types of contraception, especially if this is her third time getting pregnant within just a few years.

[dani99]

I did ask her if she knew what she wanted to do. She said she didn't know, but she had a feeling adoption would be better but she's worried the baby might not find a home. I told her my aunt has been wanting to adopt since she can't have children herself. She hugged me and told me thanks, and that if she chose adoption she would let me know.

She found out that she was pregnant two weeks ago, and still hasn't told her mom. If she doesn't tell her tonight, I'll offer to be there with her if it would make it easier on her. She told me she would NEVER have another kid again...but..it's just so weird that she's pregnant. To me, you'd think she'd just do everything in her power to not get pregnant but she did. I know sometimes everything isn't always enough, but she wasn't even dating the dad for very long which makes me upset.

I wish she'd tell the dad, because that could be for the benefit for her and her baby.

[Harmony♥]

It could be a benefit, but it might not. What happens if he doesn't want to be involved? This could very likely be the case if they weren't dating for very long. But, my sister and her boyfriend who welcomed their daughter in February were only dating for a month, and my sister found out she was pregnant (about a month later, as she was already 2 months pregnant). They got pregnant right away, and are making it work. She has a 50/50 chance of him wanting to be around vs. not wanting to be around. The decisions lies within him too.

If she IS pregnant, and adoption is something she wants to do, she should really go through an adoption agency. It would be AMAZING if your aunt adopted her baby, but it's always best to do so through an adoption agency vs. going through the backwaters to do it. It makes things more official that way. I'm not sure how her previous children were adopted, but if adoption is what she wants to do, then you should let her know that an adoption agency would make sure her child has a decent home that SHE chooses.

She has the option of two different kind of adoptions: a closed and an open. Both basically speak for themselves, but it might be worth getting some information for her. If you'd like, you can PM me and I can go into further detail about both types of adoptions available to her. I'm always free for advice.

[dani99]

I talked to her today. She told me she doesn't want to tell her mom until she is 3 months pregnant (she's 5 weeks right now) because she's scared if she tells her mom now, her mom might pressure her into an abortion (although that choice is up to her, not her mom). I think right now she is standing by her decision to not tell him. I just hope the word doesn't get to him if she doesn't change her mind. That could end up bad.

I told her that I'd be there for her and everything. I don't want to talk about adoption with her too much, because it might make her feel overwhelmed and pressured. I'll wait until a couple of months when she has a better idea of what she might want to do.

Today, she went and asked our band director if she could be part of the color guard to be part of our show next year and she got the information packet. I felt bad for her when I told her that she was pregnant, and it wouldn't be a good idea and she agreed with me, forgetting all about it. :/

[Always *]

Well, getting the dad involved if she doesn't want that I can respect. If the dad is someone she doesn't feel would good for her baby and what not I don't blame her. Now, usually I don't think it is ok to cut a dad off. After all, it does take 2 to make a baby. But it only takes one to mess a baby up and if the dad would do that I don't blame her. There are custody battles and all this other stuff to have to worry about and what if he doesn't pay child support? And he's moving. What's she going to do? Drive an infant out of the way all the time to see him? Put it on the plane?
And I'm guessing if she won't tell her mom until after the 1st trimester that means in her mind adoption and keeping the baby are her 2 options. So you should support her and help her to what is best for her. Would having the baby derail being able to go to college for her for example? Does the college have a day care? I know in Canada that universities and colleges have to have a day care or at least the major campuses do, but I am not sure how it would work in other countries.

[dani99]

Actually, her mom found out already from overhearing her talk about it. She was really mad at first, but then she asked her what she wanted to do. She told her abortion was out of the question, but she doesn't know if she wants adoption or keep.