Triggering: I broke up with her, she was pregnant (apparently)...

[DanielR]

(I labelled as triggering, as some people who've been affected by miscarriages may find it triggering.)

Hey guys;

The other day I tried to post for some advice, but it made no sense (the thread) so... I deleted it.

Anyway, I broke up with my girlfriend a few days ago due to not being happy in the relationship. She appeared to be more attached than I, and we've been talking the last few days. Yesterday she informed me that she got a blood test and found out she was three months pregnant (she apparently knew this a week or two ago, but didn't tell me... and then I broke up with her), but due to our argument and her stressing out... she miscarried.

I'm not sure how to take it. When she told me she was pregnant (I didn't read the part of her email that said "I lost it" until afterwards) I went crazy, abused her etc... said I wasn't ready for kids, I'm only young...

We were using protection (the pill), but... I suppose it happens sometimes.

Anyway, I've been really thinking about this whole situation... wondering what it would have been like to have fathered a child. I'm not sure how to feel about this situation, I'm kind of disappointed that she lost it, but glad as well (I don't want my kids growing up in broken homes, etc).

Honestly, what should I feel about this?

[PSY]

I think what you're feeling right now is fine. You're young, so of course the idea of becoming a father at this point in your life was scary. You also just broke up with your ex-girlfriend, so you wouldn't want to feel tied down to her because of your obligations to your child. I also think it's normal to feel a sense of loss, though, because (for a short while) you were able to entertain the idea of being a father. Naturally, you'd be curious as to what life would have been like, had your ex-girlfriend not miscarried.

Give it time, Daniel. You don't have to sort out all your feelings right away. As always, feel free to PM me anytime if you'd like to talk. <3

[kiddo90]

Hello Daniel,
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, it's definitely not an easy one. And as far as how you should feel? There's not a right or wrong answer for that. Unfortunately, no matter what kind of protection you use, nothing is 100% effective. Honestly though, don't stay stuck in the what might have beens and the what ifs. It's a bad situation and life lessons were learned, but you can't change it. She should have told you sooner, and I can't speak as to why she didn't. I can only imagine that it was a difficult and scary thing to deal with. If I were you, I'd just give her the sincerest apology possible and somehow find a way to move forward, healing a little more each day. Best of luck.
-Laura

[DanielR]

I've actually messaged her/emailed her and asked for definite proof. I'll mourn the loss, but only if there is actually a loss and she's not just b.s-ing me for 'teh lols' (or, to try and win me back).

PSY, you're right... I am entertaining the idea. Whilst I would be shit scared of the fact that I'd be dealing with broken homes, child support and distance with my child... I'd still see myself being mature and working through it. Part of me wants kids, just REALLY not right now.

Kiddo, I realise now that relying soley on her use of the pill was stupid of me. I think partly the reason why we never used any other protection (except the condom, but that was only while she was waiting for scripts on her pills to be repeated) was because she... dare I say "liked the feeling" (I'll leave the imagination to fill that in).
Indeed, it was scary.

Right now I'm just trying to handle the situation. I'm currently entertaining starting a relationship with another woman, juggling my professional life, and holding onto whats left of my sanity after this breakup. I've had messier breakups than this, but part of me just won't let go... I really don't want to lose this woman in my life. She's an amazing friend, but... I suppose they come and go, right?