Fiancee's Pregnant (2 months) and I'm scared...

[Mizu-Kun]

My Fiancee's pregnant, and I'm scared... She wants to keep the baby, and I'm scared, resentful, getting more angry all the time, and I just want to be happy... I'm stressed out, and the baby is just being bad timing... I feel I'm too young, I'm no-where near mature enough to handle it, and I need to basically "Mature Overnight"... I know i need to, but I've lived selfishly for near 10 years, and maybe more. My memory isn't great, and need "clues" to guide me back to remembering things... I need some help...

[Jaymz404]

If you dont want the baby, tell her so. Say it's going to fast and you want to look at other options such as abortion or adoption.

No matter how cruel that is , its the truth.

Your 19 year old, you should be out experiance life, sampling the high's and low's of life. Getting worldly experiance. This baby will stop those experiances and force you into parenthood. And most likley when it comes to parenting you will lack the skills other parents have due to life experiance and maturity.

I am strongly against having children at such young ages, its not good for you and it's not good for the future kid.

Do the right thing and tell her how your feeling, no matter how much upset it causes it is worth fixing this. It's your future were talking about, Be selfish.

[Mizu-Kun]

I've told her, and Well, We're both against abortion. very strongly against abortion. Also, she's been bonding with the baby as it is and she can't see giving her (hoping it's a girl) away. I need some help on how to be happy about it instead of resentful to myself... or whatever it is I am doing... I'm going to be seeing a therapist sometime, but it doesn't help for the now. I'm afraid I'm going to say or do something everyone may regret... And i don't think... no, I'm sure i don't want to mature any time soon.

[Jaymz404]

Then you are being forced into it by your girl friend, which means your relationship is not a good one because it's not a balanced one. She cannot control one of the biggest decisions of your life purley on her own.

Abortion is not so bad, don't understand the drama over it myself. Untill the fetus has conciousness then there is not an issue. But obviously this is a different thing, mainly to do with beleifs etc. So lets not go into that.

You mention you do not want to mature.
And you say you need some help on how to be happy about it?

Well I've got some simple advise for you.

Talk to your girl friend , the therapist won't help and its likley a waste of your money. You don't want this kid. That I can see. But you want to be with her and want to please her so are accepting it.

This is not good and will only lead to problems down the line.

You may even end up having to split up with her, but trust me this is far better than having a kid that you do not want.

[Mizu-Kun]

Forgot to mention that I Love my fiancee with all my heart.

[Jaymz404]

As I've said your feelings towards your partner are not the issue. The baby is.

[MetalManatee]

There is going to be someone out of you and your fiancee here who loses out on the outcome they want from this situation... It is such a massive thing to take on board, when you don't feel ready to be a parent... But unfortunately, this is what can happen if you have unprotected sex, and is a situation that you are going to have to try and deal with (even if you don't feel that you are mature enough at the moment). James' replies seem to be pretty biased towards you getting what you want... And I'm not opposing this, because he's right in one sense that you do need to take your own feelings into account as well as your fiancees, but in order to make a balanced decision on this, there needs to be a solution that you and your fiancee come up with, with which you both feel comfortable.

[escape_thereal_world]

What is it you're wanting hun? If you don't want to mature, then...there's nothing you can really do. I mean, if you have a baby, you have to change somehow. It doesn't sound like you want to change.

Do you mean you just can't accept the baby? Or you feel regretful and it's getting in the way of being excited? Trust me, lots of people are "immature" when they have a baby. It has nothing to do with maturity in all honesty. As long as you can provide for the baby and love the baby. I hope I made sense. I'm tired ><.

[jamie :)]

hey

are you feeling that you do not want the baby and that it is a mistake - if this is the case the you really need to talk to your girlfriend and quickly. It sounds from the posts earlier that you have a really good relationship, and that is not something you want to give up. Ok so a baby is on the way, its a big deal, but not something that isnt going to help your relationship, its will probably bring you closer.

If your worried about not been mature enough, then dont be. Your fiancee would probably have left you when she found out she was pregnant if she didnt think you could do as good job as a father.

All i will say is, Dont run out and not be there for your child growing up. It is one of the best times of your life

[drowningangel]

It's not unusual for you to feel overwhelmed at this point. I think all parents do, whether they're 15 or 30, prepared or not. Bringing a life into this world is a big responsibility, but it seems you're more scared than anything. Being forced to grow up can be very scary.

At this point, seeing as you two do communicate, as you've said you have talked to her about your feelings about the baby, perhaps instead of doing counseling just yourself, consider doing it together? A child is a big step, and it's going to take some adjusting to for her as well as you.

You don't want resentment to grow due to the baby, so the two of you really need to work at communicating with each other. Don't bottle up those emotions you're feeling. Chances are she is just as scared, but seeing as she doesn't believe in abortion (nor do you), and she doesn't want to consider adoption due to her bond with the baby, her choice is made. Don't let resentment build between you two because you feel you had the choice taken from you.

There are many here on TeenHelp who have had children before they had planned or dealt with their loved ones/partners having children. Yes, you do have options, but if abortion and adoption are out for the two of you, and you're determined to stick by her side, then you need to talk more and find a way to make this work.

[J&M's Mommy]

This child is officially a responsibility. And no matter what if your gf wants to keep this baby there is no getting your way. Ultimately it is her body and her decision in the end. Obviously she should consider your opinions and feelings but that doesn't mean that she will act on what you say or think.

Just remember that she will be spending the next 9 months with this child inside of her, and it takes a very STRONG and determined person to give a baby up for adoption. I hope you two figure it out and that both of you are happy with your decision. Good luck.

[LucyLouWho]

I can understand that you feel completely unprepared for this and like you're simply not ready. But the thing is, everything doesn't always happen the way we'd planned or hoped that it would have. Everyone has regrets and everyone makes mistakes. If you truly don't want this baby, express to your girlfriend how serious you are about this. But, before you do that, just take a minute to think about this... You created life with the person that you love. There is a little person inside of her that is a little combination of the both of you. I can totally understand not being ready, though. But there is time. You don't have to be ready for all of this overnight. In fact, I don't think anyone is EVER completely ready for everything that comes along with having a baby.

What it comes down to is that whether you want this baby or not, she'll have the final decision. That's just how the law works. It's not just me saying that out of my hate for abortion. It's the truth. If you want her to change her mind, you need to be talking to her seriously about this very soon. But just remember to take life one day at a time. I know that having a baby is a lot to take in, but I'm almost sure that once you hold the baby, you'll forget all about the regret and anger. I really think that you should try your hardest to be supportive of your girlfirend while also letting her know your feelings in this situation. I'm sure that she's glad to listen to how you feel about it, but just remember that, in the end, if she wants the baby, she's going to have it. It's a responsibility of yours whether you want it or not. It's too late to go back.

But I wish you both the best of luck and I really hope that the two of you come to a conclusion together and that it doesn't change your relationship in a negative way. Good luck. :]

[Angel]

It must be overwhelming and frightening to face the possibility that you are going to become a father. You must take responsibility for your own actions and face the consequences. Take some time to talk to your fiancee, and to discuss the options that she has such as abortion, adoption, and keeping the child. Keep your options open, and hopefully you'll come to a decision which you find is best for the situation. Remember to respect her decision if it opposes yours, because she has her rights too.

[Jaymz404]

Originally Posted by kaydee

Ultimately it is her body and her decision in the end.

Can't see how that is true at all.

Without the male sex cell's (gammetes) you would not have it at all. Thus it's a 2 person job and as a result I would always beleive you have a decision as it's your DNA aswell not just hers and this effects your life aswell not just hers.

You always have a choice and don't let anyone tell you differently. You do not have to become a father. And personally I do not think you should.

You obviously do not want it and you are just staying because of the girl you love. This child in your eyes is unwanted and that is unfair on you and the child.

Talk to her, fix this.

[iHEAVENn]

If you're not ready to mature then how could you possibly be ready for marriage???!

I am married.. probably one of the very few people on here that is actually MARRIED.
I walked down the aisle when I was 19 going on 20. Marriage is not something to enter into when you know for a fact you're not ready to mature and take responsibility for your life.
It's hard work.. And it takes a LOT of adult effort from the husband and the wife.. I don't see how you could possibly make a healthy marriage work if you're not ready to grow up..

It sounds like your girl has already made up her mind... and it sounds like you need to talk to your parents for guidance on this issue..

I'm also a mother to a little boy who just turned 1. Being a parent can get stressful and if you know in your heart that you don't want this baby maybe you should talk to your girl about open adoptions... or letting a grandparent raise the child?

Best of luck either way..
If you want to talk to someone who is married, and has a child just pm me anytime.

[J&M's Mommy]

Originally Posted by Jaymz404

Can't see how that is true at all.

Its true because it is HER BODY. It is unfair that he would be forced to be a father but he can't force her get an abortion or put the baby up for adoption.

And yes she needed him to create this child, but she doesn't need him to have it. So therefore it is her choice. It would be different if he had the key and could choose whether or not to unlock the door and have a baby or keep it locked and not have a baby. But she will be more attached to the child, therefore it will be harder for her to abort.

They do need to talk, that is for sure.

[Jaguar]

Dude, you're 19. It's time to grow up and face the reality of what's happening. When you post, I notice you're talking only about you. Nothing about wanting her to get what she wants, and caring for her and the family you're creating.

You don't get to keep cruising along, doing what you want to do and not thinking about the consequences. Welcome to the real world. It happens to all of us sooner o later. The only decision you have to make is are you going to take responsibility for it and get together with her and work out something you both can live with, or are you going to not take responsibility for anything and get served with a child support order from the court and be another absentee father.

Sorry: life's a bitch ain't it?

[J&M's Mommy]

Originally Posted by Jaguar

Dude, you're 19. It's time to grow up and face the reality of what's happening. When you post, I notice you're talking only about you. Nothing about wanting her to get what she wants, and caring for her and the family you're creating.

You don't get to keep cruising along, doing what you want to do and not thinking about the consequences. Welcome to the real world. It happens to all of us sooner o later. The only decision you have to make is are you going to take responsibility for it and get together with her and work out something you both can live with, or are you going to not take responsibility for anything and get served with a child support order from the court and be another absentee father.

Sorry: life's a bitch ain't it?

Amen to that!

[Jaymz404]

Originally Posted by kaydee

Its true because it is HER BODY.

This is not justification.

What is a body? It's a group of cells doing specific roles (tissue). Muscle, nervous and connective epithelial tissue.

So what about the man's sex cells. Surley those cells belong to him not you.

I beleive the father should have the right to abort a baby he does not want it, both parents should be agreeable.

The argument that it is her body is so flawed.

[J&M's Mommy]

Originally Posted by Jaymz404

This is not justification.

What is a body? It's a group of cells doing specific roles (tissue). Muscle, nervous and connective epithelial tissue.

So what about the man's sex cells. Surley those cells belong to him not you.

I beleive the father should have the right to abort a baby he does not want it, both parents should be agreeable.

The argument that it is her body is so flawed.

Then I assume he'll have to take her to court to have the right to abort a child from his gf! If he doesn't want to be a father than that is his choice, but from what we know I guess that will have to be because he chooses not to be in the child's life. If he didn't want to take responsibility for a child then he should have thought about that before having sex. She is taking the responsibility by choosing to keep the baby, and unless he takes her to court I assume he'll have a child on this earth.

[LucyLouWho]

Originally Posted by Jaymz404

Can't see how that is true at all.

Without the male sex cell's (gammetes) you would not have it at all. Thus it's a 2 person job and as a result I would always beleive you have a decision as it's your DNA aswell not just hers and this effects your life aswell not just hers.

You always have a choice and don't let anyone tell you differently. You do not have to become a father. And personally I do not think you should.

You obviously do not want it and you are just staying because of the girl you love. This child in your eyes is unwanted and that is unfair on you and the child.

Talk to her, fix this.

The guy puts the sperm into the female's body and then the female's body takes it from there for the rest of the nine months. I think it's pretty safe to say that the mother should have a very important say in whether or not the baby is to be born considering that she is to carry the child, give birth to the child, and plan on being there for the child after it's born. And if the father chooses to be there also, that's fantastic.

You're absolutely right. The father doesn't have to do anything. He can walk around for the rest of his life pretending that it never happened and that he doesn't have a child out there somewhere. However, that's simply him not taking responsibility for his actions. My father is one of those guys. Yay for daddy... whom I've never spent more than three minutes with in my life... It kind of takes a toll on the kid, emotionally to know that one of their parents just abandoned him. It hurts.

Anyway... Amy has a good point. If you don't want to grow up and be mature, do you really think that a marriage is going to work out. I'm not married, but I have been living with my boyfriend for almost a year. It's HARD work even to live with someone. There are so many aspects of the relationship that become a part of the picture that you wouldn't have even imagined before. It's definitely not "happily ever after" like everyone thinks.

[Grizabella]

Everyone has already mentioned that you need to take responsibility for your actions, which is 100% true. Whether or not you like it, she's pregnant with your child, and laws say that it's her decision to keep it or abort/adopt it.

But in my mind, taking responsibility doesn't necessarily mean being the baby's father. If you think you won't be a good father, then perhaps it's best to distance yourself from the situation and only pay child support. There's lots of mention on the horrors of absentee fathers, but from my own experience, I know that I was much better off growing up without my father. A nuclear family is not always the best situation.

Eventually though, it's your decision. If you really want to marry her, you're going to have to accept her decision to keep the baby. If she wants to keep it, it's not going anywhere.

[St.Vincent]

I think it's a legal issue, not a philosophical one. Also, she's carrying the child right now, not him, so abortion choices would have to come from her. And anyway, this argument has no place in an established legal order.

I would advocate for adoption.. even though it is a hard bond, there are open adoptions. Instead of pressuring her to abort like James seems to want to.. pressure her toward this option if you feel like you can't be a good father.

But if she says she wants the baby, you have to own up and decide if you want to stay or pay dues and be another absentee father. Life is a bitch, huh?

And really, you are 19 and apparently made the choice that you're ready to marry. In some countries, 19 is a perfectly respectable age to start a family, and you will be able to do it.. there's nothing stopping you from being a good parent. That's around the time my mom had me, and though my childhood was unconventional and a little rough, I've pulled through.. thanks to a large part to my family.

[Jaymz404]

The flaw in your arguments are that it's the males sperm, and then it's inside the mother thus its her choice.

You can compare that to a warehouse. You store your product inside a warehouse. That warehouse does not own your property, they merley have it inside of it.

Its a flawed analogy. But Hey I'm sleepy.

But you seem to think the women have the choice. Why? Why does the man not have a say in this? Is this not a form a sexism? If you have my DNA is that not my right to refuse you can use my DNA?

This was not a planned pregnancy. That is obvious so you cannot use the justification that they were having sex.

Condom could of split. Birth control medication could have been taken incorrectly.

The argument that it's a womens choice is deeply and morally wrong. It's both of their choices and the mother should respect the fathers wishes. Equality is what this world needs and this talk of "ITS HER BODY" is just so sexist. If this was the other way around all the feminists in this world would be outraged and thats truth.

[St.Vincent]

James, this argument may be counter productive in this situation. We're not dealing with the philosophy is abortion rights, we're dealing with this guy's baby and what to do in this specific situation. They are BOTH against abortion, and I think he's just trying to come to terms with his role as a father to be and questioning his choices in the future.

I don't mean to be like.. blah I'm not listening to you.. but I think it would be nice if we could bring the conversation back to the person to whom it pertains.

[LucyLouWho]

How about the simple fact that it's the law? What are you going to do if she decides against abortion? Drag her to the clinic and force her? Nope.

But anyway, this isn't a debate thread, so I'm stopping here.

Mizu, I wish you the best of luck and hope that everything works out in a way that is good for both you and your girlfriend. Hang in there. Just keep talking to her about this. You two will eventually figure everything out. If you ever need to talk, you can PM me, alright?

Edit- Go here if you want to debate abortion: http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/showt...=4858#post4858

[guillotine_blades]

I have not read all the replies to this. But if you are not ready or willing to mature, why did you ask her to marry you? She is not forcing you into anything. You both did the act that got her pregnant, it is her choice either to keep it, terminate, or give up for adoption. Yes you have input, and you gave her that input. She wants to keep it, you need to grow up.


EDIT: ok i read the replies. and everything i just said stands. Grow up. plain and simple. I was married, and guess what? He didnt feel like maturing either, so now I am a divorced mother of one perfect little boy who has a douche bag for a dad. You are acting like a child. I hope for the sake of that baby that you realize what an idiot you are being. You are going to have to either man up and be a father to this child, or live with knowing that you abandoned your flesh and blood son or daughter just because you didnt feel like being a man. instead you want to be a little boy. Oh and remember, even if you do abandon this baby, you will still have to financially help support that child. I hope she takes you for every dime you are ever worth if you dont step up just because you are selfish

[Jack]

This thread is an advice thread, not a debate on abortion so don't treat it as such.

Now onwards with the advice giving...

[Sunshine☮]

Well, you've both gotten into something and have to figure out what you're doing together. If she does not want to give the baby up for adoption then there isn't a whole lot you can do about it because she can keep the child on her own but then you may not be a part of her life anymore. If you love her very much then you should support her and help her through this, as it is probably a terrifying time for her too, not just you. I suggest going out and buying a first time parenting/fathering book and get reading. Make sure to continually support one another and love one another to make the greatest environment for the baby. I wish you both the best of luck <3

[Adean]

I'd like to point out that Mizu said he was against abortion.

Has she started going to the doctor? Can you go with her and try to participate in stuff with her to try to bond with the child? No one is going to expect you to be perfect and if you are not mature enough, then you will have to try your best. Can you get government aid because of your age?

[Mizu-Kun]

Originally Posted by guillotine_blades

I have not read all the replies to this. But if you are not ready or willing to mature, why did you ask her to marry you? She is not forcing you into anything. You both did the act that got her pregnant, it is her choice either to keep it, terminate, or give up for adoption. Yes you have input, and you gave her that input. She wants to keep it, you need to grow up.


EDIT: ok i read the replies. and everything i just said stands. Grow up. plain and simple. I was married, and guess what? He didnt feel like maturing either, so now I am a divorced mother of one perfect little boy who has a douche bag for a dad. You are acting like a child. I hope for the sake of that baby that you realize what an idiot you are being. You are going to have to either man up and be a father to this child, or live with knowing that you abandoned your flesh and blood son or daughter just because you didnt feel like being a man. instead you want to be a little boy. Oh and remember, even if you do abandon this baby, you will still have to financially help support that child. I hope she takes you for every dime you are ever worth if you dont step up just because you are selfish

Ouch... Even my Fiancee thinks you went overboard...

Oh, and she proposed to me. It was a very beautiful moment... :P

[Bethie]

Look mate, you're only nineteen and very clearly scared out of your mind about having a kid. How will it change your life? How can you ever prepare yourself for it? There's a million and one questions i'm sure going on in your head. You seem like a nice guy, you've said you love your fiancee and the bottom line is your situation is hardly an uncommon one. This child is your resposibility and yeah the timing sucks, and yeah you're not ready. However plenty of men feel like this regardless of age, but the majority of the time when that little child is born which is half theirs and half the person they love the most they realise it doesn't matter they weren't prepared.

It's not about being perfectly mature now, it's about getting to that point so when you do become a father you can cope with it, which i don't doubt you will.

[Mizu-Kun]

My dad told me... that people that grow up too fast forget what it's like to be a kid when they have one... I'm just too much of a kid still...

[PhoenixAlive]

Hey. I'm the fiancee. I love Mizu very much and I think everything will work out for the better... Yeah, I'm totally freaked out too, and worried all the time. And the morning sickness is hell... but I've already bonded with the baby and my decision has been made... I understand that its hard for him, and he doesn't have the same anchor to the baby that I do... but I hope he'll be okay with it in time. I can't give up the baby, and if he can't live with being a father, I'll understand... but I really think he'd make a wonderful daddy

[Adean]

Do you think he is mature enough in terms of raising a child effectively? Can he handle having the child tell him he hates him and not to give into the child's every wants?

[Jaguar]

Good luck, dude. You're gonna make a great daddy.

[soul]

I hope everything works out for the best for both of you. Araeana I hope your baby turns out to be healthy, happy, and beautiful .

[Lorelei]

Mizu, I can tell how much you and your fiancee love each other. And I can tell that both of you are terrified. But it takes two to make a baby, and since the baby is half of you then the baby is partially your responsibility.

My brother and his wife had a baby wayyy before they planned. Like, five years before they planned. But my brother took responsibility. He manned up and became a father, and he loves his family more than anything else. It's no fairytale, but he is still madly in love with his wife, and their daughter is amazing.

It's been said that a woman becomes a mother when she first finds out she's pregnant, and that a man becomes a father when he first sees his child. I'm hoping that's true for you.

I wish you, your fiancee, and your child nothing but the best.
Take care.

[stars-sparkle]

Your fiancee proposed to you and now she is pregnant with your kid and you are the one who isn't ready? Urgh, this is the kind of situation I deal with case studies about all the time...

You need to either get therapy and grow up or run away like you are eventually going to anyway. It sounds like your fiancee has come on a little strong - she proposed instead of waiting (and at 19 this is pretty unusual behaviour btw) and now she is pregnant and wishing to keep it.

Is she worried you are going to run away? Is that why she proposed? What contraceptive methods were you employing before she got pregnant?

I mean, you were having sex ergo I assume you knew the consequences of this were: pregnancy.

Time to man up and face your responsibilities, even though they have been pretty much forced on you (probably the source of your resentment).

[Mizu-Kun]

Today, We, (Araeana and I) went to "our" first Ultrasound appointment, and we got to see our 10-week-old baby... It (the experience) was remarkably adorable. And of course, our baby was too. She (we're hoping for a girl) waved to the ultrasound wand every time it passed over her. (Or maybe she was giving it the finger, we couldn't tell, she's so small) but she was so adorable... I "kiss her" goodnight now... and I think i may be getting used to the idea of being a daddy/mommy... I just cant shake the feelings that I'm going to hurt her or her mommy someday accidentally...