Triggering (Suicide): Might be pregnant and wanting to commit suicide..

[xeu]

I've made the stupidest decision of doing it for the first time last Monday, and to make it worse it was unprotected.. So yep, I just opened myself to the possibility of getting pregnant which I didnt really want to happen till I was 28 or something. Im currently 17, Im turning 18 this April 25.. And I really do feel like I'm in the process of conception right now. And honestly, I just cant afford to have one now. Yeah, maybe my parents would support me.. But no. Why? Because the same thing happened to my sister, only difference is it happened when she was 23, and now she's a single mom with a one year old son because the father was too much of an ass to support her as well. So basically, my parents are kind of supporting my sister and her baby which is why I really cant get pregnant now. It will kill my parents, it will break them. Im scared of how it will affect my parents.. I just love them so much but I was just so stupid.. Im having so much self hate right now than I ever had in my entire life.

And lately, I keep waking up in the middle of the night, and its haunting me.. I always end up crying in fear. I dont even wanna wake up anymore.. I just dont wanna live in fear. I dont wanna wake up every day feeling like I'm getting closer to ruining my parents' lives, or their dreams for me. And my boyfriend well.. He's really trying his best. I know he is and I feel really bad that im letting him see me having these suicidal thoughts. He was crying and begging me not to do it, that he'll do anything for me if ever we do have a baby, that his family is there to support us.. Its so easy to believe, but i know it wont be that easy. I know somehow his parents will be disappointed in us as well.

I dont know if im making any sense in what i just typed but i just really really wanna let all this out since i havent told anyone.. Im not ready to. In two weeks, I will be getting a pregnancy test and if it ends up positive.. then i really dont know..

[PorcelainDollAmethystEyes]

I don't know what to say to this, but something comes to mind.

May I tell you a story? Its not mine, but of something that happened to someone very close to me.

A long time ago, there was a young woman around seventeen years old. Still trying to go to school, while being raised in a highly abusive situation with very few allies to weather it.

Events had led up with the break up with the love of her life, he ran away to the military. Around the same time, her abusive mentally ill Mother saw fit to kick her out into the street and cold, which no way to turn until she found a friend to stay with for awhile. Things happened with that friend, and she became pregnant. As she was trying to get her life together without her old group of friends, it became apparent of her condition and it came out to both families. Everyone was in a bloody uproar. Most demanded she abort the child, or give it up for adoption once it was born. Very few told her to keep it, to raise it. For a long time she did not know what to do. But at some point, with the aid of several people and newfound strength she decided to keep the child, much to the disappoint of a lot of people. Many thought she was ruining her life, wanted the whole thing to disappear. Sweep it under the rug. But with determination she didn't know she had, and feelings she got that she was doing the right thing. She prayed to God, went to church. Went to native american powwow's(?), and met many people who told her she was doing the right thing. That she and the child were very important and precious. To stay strong, all would be as it should. Despite the warning feelings she had she took up the suggestion of staying with the birthfather, that they should raise the child together. She became close with members of both families when the child was born.

It was a little girl. Who weighed average and was a toe head, her fuzzy head almost white. Everyone agreed she was beautiful.

However, the danger was not over. In the months that followed, the birth father changed. Showed his true colors, dabbled in dark things that put the young Mother and the baby in danger. She had to leave, stayed with family, went to court demanding full custody of her baby. The birth father was granted supervised visitation rights. Not long after, people turned their heads away and the Mother was out of the room, needing to do something important. He took the opportunity, and kicknapped the little girl. When the Mother discovered the her baby was gone, she immediately went to the police, who would not help her. In mortal hell, she called up the entire family, called everyone. When it was made clear the man was highly unstable and could potentially kill the child, the police got their asses in motion and went on a manhunt. Doors kicked down, hounds called in. She practically broke down in relief when the baby was found at a friends house, with people they could trust. They took the baby from him, took care of her, knowing that something was off. When the Mother got there, she confronted him. I am not sure what happened, I was not fully made aware of it. But she made it very clear, VERY clear to the man she could destroy anyone who threatened the safety of her baby and tried taking her from her again. He was no longer allowed near them.

That is not the end, but it is what happened. They survived and got out, remained with family until it was time for them to move on.

My message is, that it is your CHOICE what you do at this point. I would suggest sitting down with your boyfriend and both families with the situation. Clue them in with what's going on, tell them your fears and feelIngs. Don't hold anything back. Be very clear and concise with what is going on. Whether your pregnant or not, its best to rely on those connections you have. They will most likely be disappointed. But isn't it more important to know you have true family to fall back on and be prepared for every possibility and eventuality? From experience, its best to get a handle on it quickly, get the support needed and know all your options. Be ready for what comes to pass. Its alright to be scared, fully justified to be terrified despite all choices and consequences. But DONT LET it consume you. Rise above it, weather it. Instead of sitting there thinking of suicide just to run away, grab it by the horns and go to your boyfriend. As it sounds, he is there for you and loves you. He needs you to rely on him. So do it. Take his hand and let him stand by your side. He is there for you. Face the darkness together and conquer it, know that the future is not set in stone. As the Mother did, make your own destiny. With a baby or not. But know you have family, people there to help. It will be a difficult path, but as a young woman, you have the innate strength to weather it. All you need to do is take the first step. Another. And another. You will get to where you're suppose to go, eventually. Its not over, not by a longshot.

If you truly are pregnant, what if the child is being sent to you sent to you for important reasons that won't make sense until years later? What if you and whatever the baby shall be will be important in some way someday in the future? God works in mysterious ways, and has a plan mortals such as us cannot completely comprehend until the afterlife is before us. You are a child of God, a child of the light! You MATTER! You are IMPORTANT and AMAZING. Don't forget that!

I shall end it here. But please remember that life, no matter what life is important. Whether it does come to be, and you decide to raise the child yourself or put it up for adoption, its up to you and your boyfriend. But its also your body, your decision. As a strong amazing young lady, that you are.

Evil, the enemy will try to harm you and whatever life you possibility end up carrying. Will try to blind you, put you off the path. Don't let it happen. Look, and stay with the light. The positive force of things. God. Jesus Christ. Pray and think of Him, ask for the God, holy spirit, and the angels to come and aid you. Give you clarity and guidance, protection from all things negative. And please remember you are NOT ALONE, as there are many stories like yours. All endings vary. You have those around you who want, and are potentially there to help you. You aren't alone. You are loved, and wanted. Remember that above all else.

If you are curious and have questions. Please feel free to message me. I am on here frequently.

[xeu]

Thank you so much.. Do you have any other way I could talk to you? I dont go on here as much.. :/

[PorcelainDollAmethystEyes]

If you want to talk further, please private message me. Possibly.

[L4Y]

I don't have much to add except that I completely agree with the above poster in that you should sit down with your boyfriend and both of your parents to discuss things. Things can sometimes seem scarier when we are dealing with them alone and you may find more help and support than you are fearing.

It sounds as if your boyfriend cares a great deal for you. I realize you are understandably scared, but I truly feel things will work out one way or another. Best wishes.

L4Y

[bitesize]

Hey.
It's normal to feel paranoid after having unprotected sex. Even after protected sex - personally if I've just done it for the first time in a while, there's always a bit of anxiety before my period comes! And I can imagine that after your sister's experience there's a bit more anxiety too. But you need to not let it take you over. Stress can affect your period, but it can also make you sick, cause you the sleepless nights you've been having, and in general just make you feel crappy. Please don't worry - you have no reason to assume you're definitely pregnant! Try and keep yourself busy until you take a pregnancy test and then you can put your mind at ease.
Until then, just remind yourself that it's out of your hands now - there's nothing you can do! So you may as well try to stop worrying. And remember next time, if you're in a place where the morning-after pill (emergency contraception) is available to you, it can be effective up to 72 hours after intercourse.
I just realised you made this post some days ago so I hope you're doing all right?