Boy exposed himself

[VBertrand]

Hello, I'm 39 years old so quite a lot older than most here. But I wanted to get advice regarding something that I experienced recently with a 17 year old boy. I had attended a friend's very large 40th birthday party and one of the boys who was helping out needed a ride home. He lives not far from me so I offered to drop him off. He was in the passenger seat and shortly after we left I looked over at him while we were talking and noticed he had exposed his erection. I wasn't shocked but obviously a little surprised. He shyly suggested that I could "play with it" if I was looking for something to do while driving. I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I thanked him for the offer, and told him unfortunately I couldn't do it because I have a boyfriend. He accepted that and said it was ok. I thought about whether I had done or said anything at the party that may have encouraged him. Beyond wearing a bikini I couldn't think of anything.

I told him that he should ask a woman’s permission first before exposing it in a car. And if she says yes then he can take the next step and give her the option of playing with it while she drives. If she knows that option is available to her she can make her own decision if she wants to do it or not.

As it turns out, I know his mother. She volunteers with the same organization I do. I'm just wondering if I should tell her what he did with me? Where I live the legal age for sexual activity is 16, and he is 17 so I don't think it's my right to interfere with his choices, but he seems very innocent and maybe even a little naive. I am concerned that he may not fully understand what he is getting into. Telling his mother might be a violation of his privacy, but is it important to warn her about this? As far as I know he only exposed himself to me. But he could continue to do it with other women he meets and some will of course do what I declined to do to him in the car. Maybe that's fine. I don't know.

I worry that he may meet a woman who sees him as sexually available and would seek to take advantage of him. I feel wary about him being in a woman's car exposing himself when he doesn't know her well. She could easily drive him to her house and pressure him to do things far beyond what he was expecting in her car. It seems like a very large power imbalance.

It's possible that I am over-thinking this and nothing like the above will occur. But I would appreciate any opinions on the right course to take. Thank you!

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

I don’t think it would hurt anything to tell his mother. He would likely be upset, but he shouldn’t be exposing himself to people like that without the person consenting to it first. It’s one thing to verbally ask permission to expose himself and for you to say no, but it’s entirely different to expose himself without your permission. There’s a possibility that he will continue to think it’s okay to do this to other people so it would help if someone talked to him about consent and similar matters, even if that person is his mother.

[VBertrand]

Originally Posted by Ennui.

I don’t think it would hurt anything to tell his mother. He would likely be upset, but he shouldn’t be exposing himself to people like that without the person consenting to it first. It’s one thing to verbally ask permission to expose himself and for you to say no, but it’s entirely different to expose himself without your permission. There’s a possibility that he will continue to think it’s okay to do this to other people so it would help if someone talked to him about consent and similar matters, even if that person is his mother.

Yes, that’s a good point. I didn’t mention in my post but I did tell him that I wasn’t expecting to see it and it would be better to ask first so I can agree if I was interested.

[Hiraeth.]

I absolutely think you should speak to his mother about what he has done. He needs to be taught that it indecent exposure could get him into legal trouble. Maybe he doesn't understand the severity of what he has done, so he needs to be taught by the correct person and that person should be his mother. You've done what you could, and I'm sorry it happened; but it's over now and hopefully you can move on and avoid any future awkward encounters.

[VBertrand]

Originally Posted by Enigmatic.

I absolutely think you should speak to his mother about what he has done. He needs to be taught that it indecent exposure could get him into legal trouble. Maybe he doesn't understand the severity of what he has done, so he needs to be taught by the correct person and that person should be his mother. You've done what you could, and I'm sorry it happened; but it's over now and hopefully you can move on and avoid any future awkward encounters.

My feeling is that he was too shy to ask. And maybe he thought that exposing it would naturally lead to sexual interest from me. But I agree there are better ways for him to do it and being shy doesn't make it ok. Personally, it didn't bother me given his age. And I was more concerned for him than myself. I can see how some women would have had a different experience though.

[kevinarm]

I doubt he's done it to other women. I bet he saw you in the bikini and that affected him. And you are very attractive. He probably didn't know how else to talk to you about it and thought he only had a small amount of time in the car for something to happen. Maybe if you talked to him he could explain everything. I would do that before talking to his mom because that would be super embarrassing. He probably has a huge crush on you.

[VBertrand]

Originally Posted by kevinarm

I doubt he's done it to other women. I bet he saw you in the bikini and that affected him. And you are very attractive. He probably didn't know how else to talk to you about it and thought he only had a small amount of time in the car for something to happen. Maybe if you talked to him he could explain everything. I would do that before talking to his mom because that would be super embarrassing. He probably has a huge crush on you.

Thanks for your kind words! I did manage to speak with him and it seems you are correct. I’m the first woman he’s done this with. I helped him understand better ways of approaching situations where he feels a strong attraction that shows respect for women. I’m confident now that he knows how to ask permission next time it happens. And, yes, the bikini played a major role.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hi, I'm very glad that you we're able to talk to him about this and everything is going to be okay now. When something like this happens, it is not a good feeling to have. Hope you will be okay soon.

[NeuroBeautiful]

I know there's the secual aspect of this but there's also the fact that driving while doing any other activity is extremely unsafe.

[VBertrand]

Originally Posted by NeuroBeautiful

I know there's the secual aspect of this but there's also the fact that driving while doing any other activity is extremely unsafe.

Definitely. My own car has a stick shift so it’s even harder to do it safely. Better to drive somewhere and park.

[kevinarm]

It doesn’t seem safe to have to deal with all that while you are driving and not expecting it. Don’t think you have to stop wearing a bikini because of stuff like this. You have every right to be attractive even if it affects boys. It’s always the boys job to control themselves no matter what you wear.

[Hiraeth.]

Originally Posted by VBertrand

Definitely. My own car has a stick shift so it’s even harder to do it safely. Better to drive somewhere and park.

Parking the car is good, but having an underaged child expose himself to you — I don't care he's the age of consent in your province — is absolutely inappropriate when you're more than twice his age and are friends with his mother. I'm sorry that he got turned on by you in a bikini last summer, but it's your moral obligation to set boundaries and report this to his mother. I know you said his mother was going away for a short period a few months ago, but she must be back by now. It's probably a bit scary to talk to her about it because she'll accuse you — the forty year old — of coming onto her nineteen year old son and not the other way around. Mothers tend to see their children as infallible and if it's sexual, it's always going to be the older person's fault. I suggest asking her out for a cup of coffee and discussing it with her. She deserves to know what her son did to you, and who knows if he's exposing himself to other women. I know that would make me — also a woman approaching forty — very uncomfortable.

[VBertrand]

Originally Posted by Enigmatic.

Parking the car is good, but having an underaged child expose himself to you — I don't care he's the age of consent in your province — is absolutely inappropriate when you're more than twice his age and are friends with his mother. I'm sorry that he got turned on by you in a bikini last summer, but it's your moral obligation to set boundaries and report this to his mother. I know you said his mother was going away for a short period a few months ago, but she must be back by now. It's probably a bit scary to talk to her about it because she'll accuse you — the forty year old — of coming onto her nineteen year old son and not the other way around. Mothers tend to see their children as infallible and if it's sexual, it's always going to be the older person's fault. I suggest asking her out for a cup of coffee and discussing it with her. She deserves to know what her son did to you, and who knows if he's exposing himself to other women. I know that would make me — also a woman approaching forty — very uncomfortable.

When I talked to him he said that I was the only woman he had done it with. He certainly sounded sincere and he seemed to understand the reasons why he shouldn't do it again, but I can't really be sure exactly what he is or isn't going to do in the future. I don't have any kind of regular contact with him. I did talk to a friend about what happened and she said that talking to his mother was probably a good idea. I had hoped that it wouldn't be necessary, but you've made me think. I will be seeing her soon though not alone, so maybe I'll be able to ask her if we could talk in private.

[kevinarm]

If the guy's mom blames you for what happened, you could just tell her that if you had wanted him to expose himself in the car then why didn't you end up doing anything? Like you could have done something sexual to him if you wanted, but you didn't so you obviously weren't trying to get him to show it to you.