Male Advice Preferred: Would you be willing to wait until after school for sex?

[baccanogal]

Hi everyone!

So I recently got into my first relationship, and, naturally, the topic of sex has come into my mind a few times. I'm not all that scared of the actual act of having sex, more the potential consequences, the main one obviously being pregnancy. There are a lot of expectations on my shoulders from people who expect me to go very far in life, so getting pregnant at 16 would obviously be a terrible thing to happen, not to mention I am of course not ready for something like that (preventing STDs would be nice too though!). (Also, I do know that contraceptives exist, but none of the methods are 100% foolproof, and that's what scares me.)

Therefore, I'm considering asking the guy I'm going out with (after we've been going out for a while) if he'd be willing to wait until after I'm out of school to have sex, or at least until I'm nearly at the end of my school career. To be honest, I doubt he would try to pressure me into doing anything I don't want to, nor would he be angry or not understanding about my wishes (it's his first relationship too and we were very good friends beforehand), but since he'll be going off to uni before me, assuming our relationship lasts that long, I doubt we would last too long after that once he's out in the world of adults and still a virgin, if you see what I mean.

This leads me to my question for young guys- would you yourselves be willing to wait a year or two before having sex with a girl, assuming you really care about her? No disrespectful answers, please.

Edit: Just realised this should have been posted in a different forum xD Well, if anybody has an answer for me, still feel free!

[Always *]

I think that your approach sounds quite reasonable; you want to wait to have sex until you're no longer in high school because, let's face it, adults (even if they're only 18 as of 2 months ago) have a lot more avenues with out facing stigma in which to make their parenting choices (or the choice to not parent, in terms of abortion or adoption). But, just to be clear, speaking as someone who's in my early/mid 20's, having a baby right now wouldn't be a whole lot better than it would have been when I was 16 or 17. I don't have financial security, which means it would be very difficult for my boyfriend and I to provide for a child, the main thing we have going for us is our education (both of us are university grads) and that he has a higher paying job. But, really, one thing you'll come to learn is that there is never really a perfect time to have a baby and, most of the time, the risk of pregnancy is less of a concern when compared to the benefits of an act that allows many couples to feel closer and to feel pleasure. In addition, you can both be tested for STI's and be monogamous (so you don't have to worry about him being with someone else with an STI) so that will cover that base. I'm not trying to pressure you to have sex, it sounds like you're making a responsible and best choice for you. I just think that at 18-20 (or even 20+ if you attend uni), most peoples lives are in a weird limbo of going to college or trying to establish well paying jobs, and this can last well into you're mid-20's and, while it's easier to "make do" if things do happen (e.g. adults are more likely to be in a long-term relationship, and therefore might have more money for a baby etc) it doesn't necessarily mean you'll be better off being pregnant, especially in college. In my country, there are many social programs to help parents, especially young parents, finish their education but that can still be a stretch there and even more so if you live in the States or another country where education is really expensive; a baby could understandably completely derail your future.

Any how, that's my 2 cents. Seriously though, stick to your guns. It's ok to change your mind if want to, but when the time is right, you should definitely tell him where you're at. Yes, he might be disappointed if he was really excited to have sex, and those feelings are ok, but if he's a respectful guy, he'll also respect that that's your choice and keep it in his pants so to say. Also, if your main concern is preventing pregnancy, you can always do *other* things if you catch my drift (some users are young here so I won't get into the details).

Finally, just so you know, condoms are 96 to 97% effective when used right, and things like the pill, IUD and Nuva Ring are 98% effective, so when you use both, the chance of getting pregnant is super slim. Again, I'm not trying to change your mind, but if you're thinking about it, you can always go in well prepared with contraceptives, STI testing and so on and know that the risk is quite low.

[Coffee.]

If he respects you, he should be willing to wait. I have been dating my partner since the end of my freshman year of high school and we waited two years, when were were seniors, until we both felt emotionally ready to make that kind of decision and that we could deal with the consequences. He was ready before I was, but he waited because he respected and cared about me.

I'd definitely consider birth control options now (before you're sexually active) so if you're looking into exploring different options, here is a great site for it! The IUD and the implant are the most effective methods at preventing pregnancy, and if you combine with a condom (which also protects against STIs), chances of bad effects are very small. However, you're right to be concerned-there is always a chance! Therefore, waiting until you would be ready to deal with the consequences (either pregnancy or an infection) is a great choice.

[baccanogal]

Originally Posted by Always *

I think that your approach sounds quite reasonable; you want to wait to have sex until you're no longer in high school because, let's face it, adults (even if they're only 18 as of 2 months ago) have a lot more avenues with out facing stigma in which to make their parenting choices (or the choice to not parent, in terms of abortion or adoption). But, just to be clear, speaking as someone who's in my early/mid 20's, having a baby right now wouldn't be a whole lot better than it would have been when I was 16 or 17. I don't have financial security, which means it would be very difficult for my boyfriend and I to provide for a child, the main thing we have going for us is our education (both of us are university grads) and that he has a higher paying job. But, really, one thing you'll come to learn is that there is never really a perfect time to have a baby and, most of the time, the risk of pregnancy is less of a concern when compared to the benefits of an act that allows many couples to feel closer and to feel pleasure. In addition, you can both be tested for STI's and be monogamous (so you don't have to worry about him being with someone else with an STI) so that will cover that base. I'm not trying to pressure you to have sex, it sounds like you're making a responsible and best choice for you. I just think that at 18-20 (or even 20+ if you attend uni), most peoples lives are in a weird limbo of going to college or trying to establish well paying jobs, and this can last well into you're mid-20's and, while it's easier to "make do" if things do happen (e.g. adults are more likely to be in a long-term relationship, and therefore might have more money for a baby etc) it doesn't necessarily mean you'll be better off being pregnant, especially in college. In my country, there are many social programs to help parents, especially young parents, finish their education but that can still be a stretch there and even more so if you live in the States or another country where education is really expensive; a baby could understandably completely derail your future.

Any how, that's my 2 cents. Seriously though, stick to your guns. It's ok to change your mind if want to, but when the time is right, you should definitely tell him where you're at. Yes, he might be disappointed if he was really excited to have sex, and those feelings are ok, but if he's a respectful guy, he'll also respect that that's your choice and keep it in his pants so to say. Also, if your main concern is preventing pregnancy, you can always do *other* things if you catch my drift (some users are young here so I won't get into the details).

Finally, just so you know, condoms are 96 to 97% effective when used right, and things like the pill, IUD and Nuva Ring are 98% effective, so when you use both, the chance of getting pregnant is super slim. Again, I'm not trying to change your mind, but if you're thinking about it, you can always go in well prepared with contraceptives, STI testing and so on and know that the risk is quite low.

Thank you for your reply

I totally see what you mean about how having an accidental kid at any time in one's life is kinda sucky, and I agree- I guess what I mean is that something of that nature happening wouldn't be AS sucky if you've at least finished your basic education, if you get what I mean, but yeah, I totally see where you'e coming from.

When it comes to the potential benefits of sex, of course I see them and appreciate them, and some day I have no doubt that the risks will be worth taking with the appropriate safety measures in place, but for now I'm not that desperate to lose my virginity, since I've got my whole life ahead of me for that stuff but I might not get another chance at my education knowing my family's attitude. (I just realised I might be sounding really argumentative, I don't mean to, I genuinely appreciate your response!!)

The pill is another reason why I'm hesitant- my parents really don't want me to start having sex, and therefore don't want me to start taking the pill because they're afraid I'll just go around humping everyone if I think I can get away with it (I'm obviously exaggerating slightly here xD), but if I had easier access to the pill, it's true that I would probably be less afraid of having sex.

[baccanogal]

Originally Posted by Coffee.

If he respects you, he should be willing to wait. I have been dating my partner since the end of my freshman year of high school and we waited two years, when were were seniors, until we both felt emotionally ready to make that kind of decision and that we could deal with the consequences. He was ready before I was, but he waited because he respected and cared about me.

I'd definitely consider birth control options now (before you're sexually active) so if you're looking into exploring different options, here is a great site for it! The IUD and the implant are the most effective methods at preventing pregnancy, and if you combine with a condom (which also protects against STIs), chances of bad effects are very small. However, you're right to be concerned-there is always a chance! Therefore, waiting until you would be ready to deal with the consequences (either pregnancy or an infection) is a great choice.

Thank you for your reply

Yeah, I'm assume that this guy in particular will be respectful of me as well, he isn't the sort of person who would go around forcing girls to have sex with him (or forcing anybody to do anything for that matter!).

Yeah, birth control pills are likely to be quite difficult to get a hold of, due to my parents really not wanting me to have sex (since they know that I wouldn't want to have sex unless I was a) emotionally prepared and b) with all the necessary precautions on hand), but I would probably be a lot less scared of having sex if I could get hold of some very effective measures such as those- I'm assuming that this guy will be understanding and equally cautious of doing the deed as I am if he knew about my inability to obtain contraception though- I'm sure the thought of becoming a teenage parent is rather undesirable to him as well haha!

[Clarent]

Yes, obviously. Everything for my SO's comfort.

[xxpaigiexx]

Hey there,

I think if your boyfriend was a friend before then he is more likely to respect your feelings more than anyone else. If anyone cares/loves you then they will respect your feelings no matter what. If you want to wait then why shouldn't your boyfriend respect your wishes. It sounds like you're still in the very early days of your relationship, so maybe wait a while before you tell him your thoughts on this. I think people's feelings should be respected regardless. If he really cares and he's in it for the long-haul then he won't mind waiting until you're ready/happy to have sex.

Although no form of contraception is fool proof you can reduce the risks by using two forms of contraception, for example the pill and condoms. Maybe you could discuss this with your doctor, so when the time comes you are prepared? I see you're from the UK also. Many towns/cities have sexual health clinics, maybe you could look online for information on your local one, and they can advise you on the best form of contraception for you.

I wish you the best of luck,
Paige

[TheAtomicBlade]

If you're boyfriend is any decent, he will wait till you're ready. Sex, imo, is harder for a girl, because she runs the risk of getting pregnant while the guy can just evade and get out. So, any decent guy would wait till his partner said she was ready to have sex.

[baccanogal]

Originally Posted by xxpaigiexx

Hey there,

I think if your boyfriend was a friend before then he is more likely to respect your feelings more than anyone else. If anyone cares/loves you then they will respect your feelings no matter what. If you want to wait then why shouldn't your boyfriend respect your wishes. It sounds like you're still in the very early days of your relationship, so maybe wait a while before you tell him your thoughts on this. I think people's feelings should be respected regardless. If he really cares and he's in it for the long-haul then he won't mind waiting until you're ready/happy to have sex.

Although no form of contraception is fool proof you can reduce the risks by using two forms of contraception, for example the pill and condoms. Maybe you could discuss this with your doctor, so when the time comes you are prepared? I see you're from the UK also. Many towns/cities have sexual health clinics, maybe you could look online for information on your local one, and they can advise you on the best form of contraception for you.

I wish you the best of luck,
Paige

Yeah, we'd been good friends for a little over a year before all this started haha, so I know for a fact that he definitely cares about me as a person.

Yes, don't worry, we haven't been going out for all that long so I definitely won't mention this properly until there's a definite chance of things starting to go in that direction.

I think the ideal combination for me would be a condom and the pill, but I would probably have quite a difficult time getting hold of the pill thanks to my parents' attitudes towards teenagers having sex (they reeeaaally don't want me to do it, and they know that I won't have sex unless I'm on the pill, so they would refuse it), but thank you for all your advice

[baccanogal]

Originally Posted by aguy

If you're boyfriend is any decent, he will wait till you're ready. Sex, imo, is harder for a girl, because she runs the risk of getting pregnant while the guy can just evade and get out. So, any decent guy would wait till his partner said she was ready to have sex.

Exactly- I'm all for 100% equality between the sexes, but in this specific instance, sex carries worse potential repercussions for the girl than it does for the guy, so I agree with you that if he tried to pressure me into anything, I would never ever give in, unless I also wanted to do whatever it was he was suggesting. And obviously, a guy shouldn't be pressured into having sex by a girl (or by another guy, for that matter) into having sex either.