To kid or not to kid... That is the question

I've always wanted children. Since I was a young child I've wanted that. I'm a carer and I really like children. I also have pretty severe Mental illness. Like, I was on SSI and while I have been doing better (I work now and have foe three years) I still struggle... I struggle a lot too.

I've had a few people tell me my anxiety is the worst they've ever witnessed. My depression is better than it was but I still struggle.

I'm kid less. I have a supportive partner.

The issue is, when I'm struggling I struggle with a lot of stuff you need to be good with when you have kids.

I struggle to clean and it wouldn't be fair to ask my husband to do all the cleaning. I know some couples have a trade off but idk.

I struggle to cook. It's not that I can't cook. The majority of the time I can't cook because of my past ED. Prepping meals triggers me. Other times I have absolutely no energy. I won't raise a kid on fast food.

I struggle with mental energy and patience too. I'm patient as heck in my job but what if I cannot extend that compassion to my children.

I don't want to have kids I can't care for. I'll love them fiercely and I know this but I also know loving kids isn't enough. I mean in a perfect world it would be enough but kids need love and stability.

I've met some kid less friends and they don't regret the decision but they also aren't struggling with the idea of kids because of an illness that was exacerbated by severe trauma.

Like, they didn't take enough away from me.

I know the fact that I'm thinking of this says a lot about me and how I'd parent. I also know that many mentally ill people have children. They figure out medication and other stuff and it works.

I'm also realizing my limitations and am accepting they might not be conducive to children.

Idk if this will get any responses but I don't know any other mental health related places I'm currently comfortable asking this question.

So, if you have mental illness and wanted kids how did you decide it was the right choice? How do you navigate parenthood and your illness? If you chose not to have kids, how do you live with the regret (do you have regrets?)

[Celyn]

I'm sad this didn't get any replies. I wanted to comment but don't really have anything to say, other than, I'm in a similar, although different, boat.

I remember thinking about having kids, and felt that it might not be for me in that even though I can come across as kind and caring online, in real life, I'm just awkward and struggle with a lot of things. The thought of me raising a child, even if it's one I really want, fills me with anxiety.

I thought I was against having children, especially if I felt I couldn't look after them the way they needed. But I've also seen people on my social media who struggle with disabilities (both physical and mental) and yet they seem to make parenting work. It's not easy, and they've had to ask for help with various things but they and their children look happy and healthy.

I think that we can be too hard on ourselves at times. Granted, I don't know the extent of your struggles but I do understand your concerns in that when you are struggling, it's stuff that you can't really struggle with if you have children. I think finding work arounds can help e.g. with cleaning, try and do a little bit in your daily routine so that it doesn't build up, or ask your husband (no shame in that) or get a cleaner to help out. Asking for help when you need it is also good. As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child.

It's really thoughtful for you to not want to have children if you feel you can't care for them properly. It takes a lot to admit that, but it does also show how caring you really are, ironically, making you a potentially better parent too.

For me, I feel like life is ticking by and I'm no way ready to be a parent and honestly, don't know if it's ever in the future for me either. I've often worried about not being a good enough parent and yet I don't have particularly strong feelings around wanting children (although I do get fleeting moments). I do feel I may regret whatever happens, but I try not to think about it and try to work towards looking after myself for now and in the future. I figured that if children aren't in my future, I'd still like to have some sort of relationship, perhaps such as mentoring or something. It won't be the same, but I've come to learn that at the end of the day, love is love no matter whether you are blood related or not.

[Coffee.]

I agree with Holly, it's disappointing this didn't get more of a response. I actually think I created a very similar thread here in Pregnancy & Childcare while I was in graduate school, but I couldn't find it.

Early on in my teens, I was set on being childless. As I've gotten older, I've reconsidered, but ultimately keep coming to the same conclusion for similar reasons to you. My parents had me in their late 30's in a decent financial state, but still were emotionally unprepared to be parents. They are both mentally ill, and ultimately raised two mentally ill children. Thus, I have been hesitant to start a family because of my own issues. I don't fear "passing" mental health disorders genetically, as much, but I fear that I don't have the emotional regulation skills to parent.

When the pope said earlier this year that folks not having children are "selfish," this rubbed me the wrong way because I actually think that it's good to ensure you're in the best place to raise a kid. Between my mental health and the state of the world, I'm not ready, and I'm not sure I ever will. I love kids. My job currently works to promote the health and safety of kids, I may foster someday, and I'd like to volunteer more with children again like I used to. I'm still not sure I will "have kids," but I do want to still make a difference in children's lives.

[Rika]

I have decided not to kid. I don't think I'd want to deal with raising a child of my own. It seems like every one such as cousins have gotten married and had a kid or two. I do not see myself ever having a child. I also agree with what has been said, though.

Some people just do not want to have children, and that is perfectly fine. I am fine with my cousins kids staying over for the weekend once a month. I don't think I will ever have a time in my life to be emotionally or mentally ready to raise a kid.

I don't want kids, I never have, and I never will. This isn't only due to mental health issues and personal issues; I have various physical limitation and health issues that prevent me from being able to focus on raising a child. I knew this long ago, and I gladly accepted it. I actually recall having to do that flour baby during "sex ed" in school, and I probably left it on the couch one of my cats always monopolized.

Having a child requires a lot of work. Not only do you put your own body through stress for nine months, with possibility of complications with the fetus; you go through stress mentally and emotionally as well. Birth can be traumatizing — even fatal for both mother and the unborn child.

Caring for someone else from neonate to high school graduation is expensive. You lose the life you had before; and some women want that! Some women want to dedicate their time to staying at home and raising a child/children. But others are driven career women who end up spending more time at the office, and their child spend more time with the nanny than their own mother. That can be traumatizing for the child themselves, and they could grow up to be resentful — or maybe not!


In addition to the expenses of raising a child, putting them through at least sixteen years of school; a woman's mental well-being may also suffer. Post-partum depression hits really hard, and I have had two friends and a family member go through it. I don't ever wish it on any woman. For some, it might last just a few months with a few doses of medication; but for others, it can last years.


There might be other environmental/situational factors that affects the 'joys' of having a child: Being a single parent, having an absent spouse, history of substance abuse still ongoing, not being able to afford childcare and other necessary expenses, to name a few things.

I think this is something that should always be discusses by the parties involved. I know my decision, but I can't make it for others.

[NeuroBeautiful]

I've always wanted children but I have a trauma history that would probably lead me to only doing foster care or adopting but I cannot do that because like others have said I dont feel confident in my emotional regulation, energy and all that it takes. I don't feel emotionally or mentally healthy enough. But sometimes I think, how bad can it be if my sisters think our father is "the best dad ever" and that's a low standard. So if I am better than the generation before me, maybe that's good enough? I can be hard on myself and perfectionistic though and want to be an excellent parent, an excellent human being and for any future children I am responsible for to know they're truly loved with the healthy kind of love.

I have a lot of intergenerational curses that I need to break so to speak and I would hope that at minimum that if I raise a child and as a human would be, am not perfect and make mistakes along the way that they grow up to see me as overall someone who cared and someone who was a healthy grownup and role model in their life and someone who overall raised them properly and well. I think the task is overwhelmingly challenging for someone like me but very important too.

Even more so would be kids who are being adopted or fostered because they can be coming into my home with trauma and emotional wounds whereas a baby born through pregnancy has a somewhat of a fresher start. So for these kids who were in the child welfare/foster care system, I would need to not only know how to raise a child properly but also have the executive functioning and extra emotional and mental skills/energy to maybe take them to social workers and therapies and interact with their bio parents and all that stuff that comes with it. I would need to know how to deal with kids having trauma reactions and behavior challenges that are greater than kids who did not experience these things.


Also I've always had a dream of homeschooling my children if I were to have any but there would be a lot of work on my part as a person first. I would also make sure I am not being selfish and if my child was one of the kids in the world who truly enjoys school I would send them to school. But I know for many kids, school is not a good environment for them and that homeschooling works better and by homeschooling I mean it loosely. I dont mean sitting at home all day doing schoolwork at the kitchen table and having no friends.

I am currently at a crossroad in my career as a teacher because I am finding it so hard to do such an emotionally demanding job with all my own emotional stuff I carry with me. And it influences me to lean on not wanting to have kids because I say if I need to quit teaching, step away or take a hiatus etc that may be acceptable because I am an employee and even when I am doing all I can to last through to the end of the year because I feel strongly about sticking out the year for the sake of my students having stability. But with parenting, I cannot take on the responsibility of raising a child and then quit or realize ooopsies it is too much work! That's what scares me! And teaching is sooooooo hard and stressful and kids can be mean and triggering and the school environment is stressful on its own and coworkers are stressful but when you are a parent, you can't back down because life is stressful!

and I am just thinking of all the years I've been working with children and by that I mean 10 years in formal work and many more informally because part of my family dysfunction is that I was a caretaker so in a way it is second nature. And that's not to mention the volunteer jobs and other jobs I had working with teens and adults too. But I have made lot of mistakes and not everyone was so forgiving or had given me grace or understood how hard it was and how tied my hands were. And it's hard because kids gravitate towards me and want my attention but to parent is a whole other level. To be a teacher is also a whole other level. It isn't just let's play a fun game and then if you need your mom, she is right here reading a book and can intervene.

I am very scared of responsibility because of what i've been through. I know I can do it but it often leaves me depleted for days after. I know i can step up when I am called to for survival reasons or to save someone else but resposnibilities often make me feel like there's a crisis because of how overwhelmed I get. I can do it in the moment but I need time to recover and with kids you may not get a chance to recover unless you're good at executive functioning, setting boundaries and a lot of other things that I am still working on.

[Oneirophobia]

I've been trying to think of what to say... (side note) - This is coming from someone who has a child, and many mental health issues.
I've always struggled with cleaning and cooking, keeping things organized, not wanting to get out of bed, stuff like that because of my mental health. I didn't really decide I wanted kids (meaning we weren't trying when I got pregnant) but after I had my first, the will and need to have things clean, or to cook or to do those little things that I always hated to do, became important, I started to want to do it, It made me feel better, I knew it was best for my child. My child actually helped my mental health, and made me want to do better.