Lonely, and getting bored of it.

[NarcissisticPrincess]

It's been four years since me and my first boyfriend broke up. He has been the only person to truly accept me and my flaws. We were together for nine and a half months. This weren't an internet relationship, because I met him when I moved house back in 2006. I went to the same school as his sister, and I met him when she came to my house for the first time. I was only 11, but I slowly felt myself falling for him. In 2008 we spoke over MSN, and he was drunk (which was quite funny) and he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Now, I knew that he liked me because I used to like a guy in year 8 and he got all jealous when he found out. He said to me over MSN "I bet when you wake up tomorrow you will forget we're even together" and I said to him "no I won't".

I don't understand how he could have loved me in our relationship. I suffer from Split Personality, ADHD, Trichotillomania, Chronic Depression, Anxiety and minor Epilepsy. My personality switched almost three days a week, and I hated it. I wanted the "other side" to stop taking over and just ruining everything. Most guys would see me as a freak, but with my first boyfriend - he didn't. For the first time in my life someone made me feel loved, special and most of all wanted. I saw him twice in our relationship after moving away two years prior to our relationship. I stayed round his house for the weekend, and nothing major happened. But my Mum made everything seem so awkward. I understand that Mum's are meant to be protective, but mine is far too protective. She texted me numerous times saying she would call the police because I was with my boyfriend. And because she made me so stressed, I ended up having a petite-mal seizure in the same room as my boyfriend. I fell ill shortly after, and he took care of me.

In the end my split personality took the better of me, and because of this, I had to end the relationship. I also became very jealous, and very angry most of the time because he hadn't given me attention for a couple of weeks.

We still talk, and sometimes we even have moments where we say we miss each other. I miss him, deeply. I could go and see him again, but his parents hate me because I apparently made him depressed and I also made him lose his job. His parents are so ignorant, and the reason why he was depressed (and in his own words) was because his parents banned him from talking to me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I hate being lonely, I really hate it. I'm scared of living life alone without someone there for me. I see people in relationships and it just frustrates me to the point where I have to hold back tears. I miss having someone to call me to see if I am okay, and just out of the blue. I'm NEVER going to find someone else, and considering to guys I am a freak. I don't want a long distance relationship, I don't want someone who messes with my head. I just want someone who I can trust. Where will I find someone like that? I have no idea, but I don't know how long I can cope with having no one.