So lonely.

[Jackkk]

Dont know what to do anymore. I openly admit i dont want to be here. i dont want to be alive. but i know suicide is not an option. But is living life like this an option?

Currently crying my eyes out. I have lost the only person who kept me going. lost my job. cant go back home so im staying with my dad. everyone is just expecting me to be okay now. a month later. i hate myself. its all my fault.

[hope begins]

Hey Jack. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad just now, and it seems like you've been through so much recently, so I can completely understand that. I doubt that everything you're dealing with is your fault at all, sometimes bad things just happen; do you want to talk anymore about what's going on or why you feel you're to blame? It is hard when people expect you to be okay and you're not, but I think they probably just don't realise how much you're hurting. Is there anyone you can try to talk to about how bad this is and how low you're feeling? Keep trying until you get that support.. how about your dad, how are you finding staying with him, is he supportive?

I'm really really glad that you say you know suicide isn't an option. Just try to hang onto the fact that it won't be like this forever. Sorry you lost your job, that can be so tough. I spent most of the last year taking time out of studying, unemployed, and it's rubbish. I found it helped a bit to get involved with some things that are going on where I live, and do some volunteering and things like that.

Look after yourself, you'll get through this, and I'm here anytime if you want someone to talk to. Take care.

[Jackkk]

Sorry Hannah, im trying to take in what you are saying. But do you even believe what you are saying. I have tried to tell myself for years that things will get better and they just get worse! I cant do it.

[hope begins]

Hey - it's okay, I understand when you're that low it can be impossible to believe things can change. I believe it though. I obviously can't know exactly what you're going through but I've had some pretty terrible times, it's not that long since I genuinely wanted to die and didn't see any way things could possible improve. But now I'm doing well, I feel like myself again for the first time in ages, and I'm just glad that I'm around to experience it.

Do you have any professional help? It's just, if things are that bad and have been for a while it would probably be a really good idea - if you haven't already, you could go to your doctor to try and get some help and support.

Please stay safe, you can get through this.

[Jackkk]

I have never been happy. i have not wanted to be here for as long as i can remember. found somebody who made life worth getting out of bed for and i ended up taking him for granted and treating him like shit. loved him with all my heart, think i always will. i just hate myself. know im to blame. know nobody will love me.

[Jackkk]

i saw a counsellor for a year and a half. didnt help. been on tablets, on them again now, doesnt help. only thing that helped was him. but i was unfair to rest my happiness on him. but i didnt know how not to when he is all that makes me happy. why did i take him for granted. why am i such a cunt?

[Jackkk]

he is probably so happy without me. that hurts. i saw him. he looked relieved.

[hope begins]

Okay, that does sound like a really hard situation. Do you think there is any chance of patching things up with him? Would it be worth trying to talk to him? Even if not, at least it shows you that you can be happy. It will take time, maybe a lot of time, to move on from this, from him. But that doesn't mean it won't happen, and you won't meet someone else who makes you happy.

And you really can learn to be happy. I know it doesn't seem like it. But there are different things you can try. Counselling never helped me but CBT did. I had to try several different types of medication before I got one that worked for me. I don't mean to keep going on about myself, I just want you to be able to see that there is hope, even when it really doesn't feel like it.

[Jackkk]

i tried. i wrote him a letter. begged him pretty much. he seemed happy to be out of it. yet the day before we broke up he said to me "if you die first, i would keep some of your ashes to put into mine" we were planning on staying together forever.

im tired. tired of being unhappy with no good reason. makes me feel worse when i see people who are in worse situations who can just cope and seem happy. im weak, pathetic. i rely on other people, bring them down with me. im like a bloodsucker. suck the life, fun, everything out of everything and other people.

[Jackkk]

everyone says "but you are so nice". god i hate it. i know im not. i know all these thoughts that go through my head. things i have done. i am a fraud!

[Jackkk]

even when i was with him i wasnt happy. nothing is EVER good enough. that is a horrible feeling.

[MadPoet]

Jack,

I understand where you are coming from, believe me. I've had depression for two to three years now, and I've felt quite similar to how you are feeling. It's easy to lose sight of why we're even alive sometimes, and life can seem like nothing but a meaningless collection of days randomly thrown together with no purpose, basically.

When we're feeling depressed, though, we aren't fully able to see reason. A certain situation might trigger the depression, such as you breaking up with your boyfriend. And after that, it's difficult for us to see life as we normally would. We are stuck in a negative state of mind, and if that depression had not been triggered we would be looking at things a lot differently.

So the key is getting that positive state of mind back. Using reason; seeing beyond the depression, looking at life as you normally would once again. Sit down, make a list of all the problems that you feel are causing you to feel depressed. Set goals for yourself that will allow you to solve those problems, and to put them in the past. As you do this, your depression, if it is caused by these problems alone, may slowly begin to improve.

However, your depression may be more of a problem in itself. Sometimes it's not problems that cause your depression, its depression that causes the majority of your problems. Depression can have many causes, and in this case I think it might be important for you to receive professional help.

You obviously have enough reason left in you to know that suicide is not an option. But before you lose that reason, I think it's really important that you talk to someone about this, as well as continue working on trying to solve the problems you feel are causing or are related to your depression in any way. Maybe think about visiting a therapist or a psychiatrist. If this is something that ends up being necessary for you, you definitely want to take that step before it's too late.

I hope you start to feel better soon. Don't give up! Things can get better. x