Lonely all the time.

[Solace]

I'm constantly lonely. Homesick even when i'm at home. I don't know how to connect with anyone. I think one part of it is my life is so different from everyone else's I don't even bother trying to talk about it to most people in my local life. Except for one of my friends and she doesn't entirely get it but i know she tries.

You see I hear voices. I feel it's an understatement. I can see them too. Really it's like a whole world that touches this one, overlapping like one of those clear map things that goes over the other map. Shirley is wicked funny, a blast to talk with and a bit full of herself. Sometimes we quarrel over this or that, sometimes it's just a day for fighting. Sometimes I think it's because she's insecure. She doesn't know where she came from or if she even had a life before coming to me almost 2 years ago.

I see her or at least hear from her every day.

There's also Amy, who is comforting and very sweet. She's a fairy she has wings that come and go she can shrink to any size which is handy since seats are always being taken by people who don't notice Shirley or Amy sitting there. (Shirley sometimes throws a tantrum about it. It hurts her pride when people sit on her :P) Amy often talks to me in spiritual metaphors, teaching me things.

There's a cat I see sometimes, his name is Chester and he's remarkably normal except for the fact no one else can see him. I can see and hear him even feel the vibrations when he purrs but I can't feel his fur or the weight of his body in my arms. Sometimes I see shadow people at night. they scare me. there is also another girl she is strikingly beautiful like a tragedy, her name is Dawn and whenever she shows up I send her away, because her presence is like a dark cloud of sorrow and i know it's not her fault but I can't take it. She's mute. These visionaries I hardly see.

Sometimes while i'm out I just see strange things I know are not a part of the solid world but it makes me feel more like an outsider when I realize that if I told someone they would'nt understand. One of my friends knows about all of this. We are very good friends I love her but she does not understand perhaps because she has not been there.

(Amy's gentle voice is reminding me that God who created both the human mind and heart understands all. I know that, I just wish He wasn't so far away you know?)

These things are not enough for me. My second-world often sparkles and shines with things even the brightest imagination would love to visit, but they are partial. I cannot deny how much Shirley and Amy mean to me. We spend all our time together. I realize I need to find things/ people that are important to me in the solid-world (real life), but I don't know how to connect with anyone, i'm chronically lonely. No one understands me when I talk about things that are important to me. But the girls and I always do. We speak in a different dialect of english. Words mean different things than they do in your english. Reluctant means an apology. Anger and hate are the same thing. Love is forgiveness. But these are such shallow definitions. The words mean so much more.

This lack of connection and understanding makes me linger behind everyone else and resume speaking with Shirley because it's so much easier. I try not to, I am making an effort to participate in the solid-world. It's hard not to go where it's easier when I feel lonely even when i'm with my loving family or good friends. Always lonely, always homesick, longing for something.

I do stay in this world. Much of my time is spend doing normal things. School, reading, talking with my family, cooking, ect. Normal life. It's just that through all this i'm usually conversing with Shirley. I live in your world, I never get the two confused though they often merge. I am working on trying to get professional help waiting on a lot of things right now. it's just that I realize how important it is to find my heart a place to rest. It's always searching, reaching out, and returning. Like the dove on Noah's Ark, looking for dry land, a place to call home, a place holding nourishment and promise for a better future. No such luck yet.