im stuck

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]this is my first time using this website so im not sure im doing this correctly? i dont want to overshare too much but i've been feeling kind of lonely and anxious. recently my dad had some type of outburst or something and it made me feel anxious and I began to cry. he has random outbursts and then in like 3 days he pretends like nothing ever happened. he makes me feel guilty when he sees me crying because of his tantrums and tells me I'm not a little kid anymore. I i understand im not but I just cant help but cry when he yells at me because its all I've known since I was little. ever since I was younger every time he yelled at me I would cry. now I'm way older but I just cant not cry. I just want my dad to love me and support me instead of taking his anger out on me for no reason. please help with some advice...[/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]

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Hey,

Welcome to the site! You did do this right.

Do you think you could have a mediated conversation with your father about this? What I mean by mediated is that you sit down with your dad as well as someone like a teacher, guidance counselor, other trusted adult. The trusted adult serves as a guide and helps keep the conversation calm and trending in a positive direction. A conversation like this allows you to express how your father's anger and outbursts makes you feel, and if you know what you want or need from your father instead of anger, it gives you a chance to say that as well. For example, you can say "I feel hurt/sad/upset/etc when this happens. In the future, can we talk about what's bothering us instead?" Try to use "I statements" like what I just told you instead of "you statements," which may make him feel defensive and less receptive to what you have to say. The person you choose to mediate the conversation can also help you word what you want to say before you all sit down together. If you can't find someone to sit down with you you can also have this conversation alone, but only do that if you feel safe to do so. If it will put you in danger or you think the situation will become worse, avoid doing it.

Is there anywhere private you can go when your father has his outbursts? For example, can you take a walk during the day or go to your room or the bathroom until things cool down a little? Try not to engage with him by doing things like arguing back, because that can fuel the fire. Walking away allows the situation to deescalate.

It's okay to cry, but do you have other outlets for your emotions? For example, you can write, do art, exercise, listen to or make music, cook or bake, or do something else as a healthy way of expressing your emotions. It helps so you don't have to bottle everything up inside.

You also said you feel lonely. Do you think you can join clubs, sports, or social groups in school or around town to meet other people? It helps because it gets you out of the house and also allows you to meet people who you may have something in common with.

I hope things improve for you soon!

Take care,
Dez

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello and welcome to Teenhelp. Thank you so much for coming on and telling us about what you have been going through. I am so sorry that you have been having a hard time with this and I hope that you will be okay soon. When we have someone yell at us, it is not a good feeling to have. When this happens again try to find something that can help take your mind off of this for a while, for example going for a walk around your house or listening to music or watching movies or TV shows or writing or calling a friend or drawing or painting or something else that you enjoy doing. When everything is calm, ask your father if you both can talk about what has happened and see what he says. You can also try writing him a letter and put everything in this and give it to him and then at the end of this ask to talk together. I hope you will be okay soon and everything works out for you. Also, if you ever wanted to join us, you are more than welcome to. You can talk more about this and anything else that you would like to talk about and make a lot of friends.

[Moxie.]

Hi there,

Welcome to TeenHelp! You did this right! In terms of sharing, don't worry about oversharing. You are always welcome to share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with, as long as it's appropriate for the site!

I can definitely understand how painful it can be to have your dad yelling at you regularly. I experienced something similar when I was younger and I know that it's emotionally draining. Even beyond being yelled at, it's so challenging when you want to make your father proud, but constantly feel like you're falling short of that.

Would it be possible to set aside some time with your dad when he's in a good mood to have a conversation with him about this? If you feel like it would be helpful, perhaps you could also ask your mom or another trusted family member or adult to be present for the conversation in a mediator role. Having that would ensure that no one is able to react with an outburst and gives both you and your dad the opportunity to be heard. If you do choose to have a conversation with him, do your best not to come across as accusatory, as that can often make people react emotionally. Instead, you could calmly let him know how it makes you feel when he yells at you. Using "I" statements, such as "I feel _______ when I'm being yelled at" is a great route to go with this, as it keeps the blame off of him. You may also want to consider asking questions, such as whether there is anything that you could work on improving to make him happier or if there is something bigger going on that is causing him stress. Make sure to listen and give your dad equal opportunity to talk.

If having a face-to-face conversation with your dad feels too daunting, you may want to consider writing him a letter. In the letter, you can write about how you're feeling and let him know that you would appreciate being able to sit down with him and have a calm, respectful conversation about it. Writing the letter may also help you get a baseline for what you want to communicate with him or expand on when you do have the conversation.

When your father is having an outburst, is there something you can do to remove yourself from the situation? For instance, would you be able to go for a walk through your neighborhood or call a friend to see if you can go to their house for a bit? Removing yourself from the negative environment caused by your father's outburst can be incredibly beneficial, as it allows you to remain in a more positive headspace and gives him time to deescalate.

Something that is equally important is ensuring that you have a healthy outlet for your emotions. While crying is definitely okay, having a way to express your emotions can also help regulate your emotions. For example, you could journal about how you're feeling, do something artistic, or listen to music that helps you process how you're feeling. It may also be helpful to reach out to a friend or someone that you trust to talk about how you're feeling and receive support.

I hope this helped some! Please feel free to respond to this thread or shoot me a PM if you want to talk about this further.

Take care,
Sam