I know I'm not in crisis anymore and...

[NeuroBeautiful]

and I'm in a better place on so many levels. But it seems like depression still lingers. The aloneness and isolation I feel can be unbearable. The desperate need to feel validated and heard and mostly loved.


My biological family consists of many wounded people upon wounded people. My father in particular has not been good to me in very deep sharp cutting ways. Not something I can easily move on from.

I have been a member here a while, was active starting in summer of 2012. For those of you who knew me back then, you know how deeply i had suffered. You read my poems, my blogs, etc. You remember when I finally left home for good. You know I'm not exaggerating. You witnessed my darkness and my overcoming of darkness. Teenhelp is the single consistent space that saw me through from 2012 to present day. I've met many great people, organizations, resources etc along the way but Teenhelp has been the one to be there the entire time.

I come here because I need ways to affirm myself, to validate what I went through. I'm still so badly suffering from my self doubt, from internalizing questions and judgments.

I need to accept that having a relationship with any of my bio family members means light hearted topics only, no mention of my trauma history, setting boundaries, taking time to de-stress after conversations no matter if in the moment the conversations went well because it is draining to be around people who don't support the deepest most hurting parts of myself, letting go of expectations of what family should mean and realizing the closest they can get is the equivalence of a friendly acquaintance, and mostly reminding myself I left for a reason.

I'm not a snob
im not a spoiled brat
I'm not exaggerating how bad it was
I'm allowed to name my experience as "unsafe"
I'm allowed to leave even if it were only emotionally unsafe
I'm not obligated to be in contact with family
I don't owe them explanations
I am not a dishonest person even though I had to do secretive things in order to leave
it really was that bad. I'm a reasonable person and wouldn't make an impulsive move like that
I planned it out with the help of two social workers and others backing me up
it makes sense my extended family was confused because they didn't know the details and it appeared abrupt but that doesn't mean it was the wrong choice
People being confused and curious doesn't make what I did wrong
I'm not bad for leaving my cat behind. It is what I had to do (this one hurts so intensely)
Just because someone else has different standards and limits on how bad it has to get before they leave doesn't mean that I am wrong or bad for leaving according to when it was my ultimate limit.
My sisters and father might've not been present on the day I left and did not know I was planning to leave but that doesn't mean they were good to me. It could be that they're truly unaware of how awful and disgusting they've been to me and got desensitized to how much they've broken me down


I'm lovable and deserve love and I'm not a bad person


ughbhhh why am I having such a hard time with this? I am struggling so much. I been crying almost the entire day over this.



If you remember me from pre-escape (before June 10th 2018) and have words of affirmation and encouragement please share or private message me. I have been suffering even while seeing a therapist and still living at home and these feelings of guilt and shame seem to be following me around.

[Everglow.]

Hi Violet,

I have seen your name around for a long long time having been a member on the site for so long too, but I'll admit I don't know much about what you've been through. That being said, I read through this post and agree with every single thing you've said. Just because people are biologically family, doesn't make them healthy people to be around. Leaving people you love, but who harm you emotionally, is a hard thing to do, and given the fact it took so much planning, consideration, and upset, the fact you distanced yourself from them seems valid and you don't deserve to feel bad for having done that. Putting boundaries in place for your own wellbeing (i.e. only letting people share in certain emotions/memories) is a good thing. Healthy relationships with boundaries are good.

I am so sorry you've been upset over all of this today. Crying is a healthy way to express emotion, and as much as nobody likes to do it, sometimes you need that outlet. The fact you have a safe space in TeenHelp is also really great because it means you have somewhere to turn to, with people you feel accepted by regardless of the past traumas you have. I'm happy you feel comfortable talking to us here, and I'm glad you posted this.

You are lovable. You do deserve love. You are not a bad person.

You're a person who has been hurt and who has removed themselves from a harmful situation. Blood doesn't give you any obligations to stay if this will cause you to feel unhappy.

I can completely understand why you feel guilty though, and I understand why this is something which upsets you even though it has put you in a better place in some ways. Seeing a therapist is a good thing. Would you be able to speak to them about how you're feeling? Perhaps this is something you can work through together.

I also think having a hand-chosen family can sometimes be really healing. If you have a good group of friends around you, perhaps you can reach out to them when you're struggling. For me, my friends are an extension of my family, and in a lot of cases they are closer to me than certain family members. There's nothing wrong with picking a family who are not related by blood, but who are more beneficial for your mental health.

I hope this helps a bit. You're definitely not a bad person, and I hope that hearing this helps you believe it. If you need any help at all please feel free to message me any time. I hope you're okay.

[NeuroBeautiful]

Hi Hollie,

Thank you for your response. It helped to hear all this.

I would say that I used to have a wider group of friends, enough that if several were unavailable that a few would be available. Nowadays though, those same people have not replied back to me in many months. They've simply moved on. I don't think they're upset at me but I guess they've just moved on with their life. When I was living in the transitional shelter, there was a built in support system and that's where most of these friends came from. People moved out from there and I have as well. June 10th will mark 3 years since I've moved out. It is still mind boggling to me how it all happened.

I have been struggling with isolation quite a bit. I don't know of anyone my age, is single and similar life stage as me in my new neighborhood. There are a few 19-23 year olds but they have their circle of friends since childhood and I am finding it hard to actually build strong relationships with them where I feel comfortable visiting and hanging out. Also most of the time I am busy with working and they're busy too. I find that I spend most of my socializing time on weekends around children which is ok if I had peers too but I don't.

[BackingErlking]

Pls be strong and always remember that God is on your side.