Lonely and Sad - any advice?

[Honeybadger40]

Hi everyone,

Hope you're all okay. I hope a few of you won't mind giving me some advice here tonight. Sorry if this ends up being a bit lengthy.

So I'm feeling pretty lonely right now; mainly because I don't really have any friends. I suppose I've always been kind of a loner, in the sense that even as a young kid I felt a bit of an outsider and found it difficult to make friends at school. I don't think I'm necessarily disliked by other people, I get on with plenty of people and always have, but I find it quite difficult to establish actual friendships with people. I haven't really had a proper close friend since I was about 14 (I'm 21 now). I've recently finished my undergraduate degree in English Language and Linguistics at University. Over the course of my studies I felt I'd made some friends with a small group of people on the same programme as me, however, since finishing the course, texts and calls to the people have all been ignored, none of them have bothered to try and get in contact with me, and any agreements we made to meet up/stay in touch seem to have been forgotten. I thought that perhaps I'd finally overcome the problems I seem to have with making friends and getting close to others, but now I've realised I haven't. In general, I cope with my lack of friends and social connections. I fill my time with hobbies and I have my family, who I thank my lucky stars for every day. But sometimes I just can't help but wonder what's wrong with me. I can't help but wonder why it seems every one else has plenty of friends to chat to and hang out with, call at any hour of the day with any problem, but I always seem to be the one alone. What is it that's special about them and not me that means others like them and not me? I feel jealous and sad when I look around me and see people enjoying each other's company when I'm out alone, as I pretty much always am

I also split from my long term boyfriend late last year. I decided to end the relationship as I realised he was just passing time with me and was only really staying with because he felt I was better than no one at all. Whilst I am still sure that I made the right decision and am happy with the choice I made, since then I haven't had anyone seem remotely interested in me I'm on several dating apps but I get very few messages, the only people who have been interested beyond the odd message have just been creepy dudes or ones who are only interested in a one night stand with pretty much any willing girl. I'm a nice person but sometimes I just feel that I don't have anything to offer anyone I can be as nice and as kind as I like, but people always seem to want (and be able to easily find) someone cooler than me, funnier than me, prettier than me, more intelligent, confident and educated than me, more this and that than me. I feel like I just can't compete with anyone and that I'm just the most boring, useless, ugly, stupid person around. I'd really like to meet someone special. But I don't think anyone ever seems to think that I'm special enough to be that person to them... or even a friend to them it seems. I wish someone could just see something good in me for once. I wish I didn't have to be this good for nothing burden on others.

I'm sorry if all of this seems like a massive "poor me" rant. I know I have my health and my hobbies and my education and a lot of things to be grateful for. But sometimes it's quite hard just feeling constantly unwanted, unseen, unworthy and invalid to other people. I just want to feel like I'm good enough for someone to like for once.
If anyone has any advice on coping with loneliness and poor self esteem I'd really appreciate it. Thank you

P.s. sorry if this is in the wrong place. Feel free to move!

[Starseeker]

Dear Honey,
reading your words was a huge surprise to me. Not in a negative sense, quite the opposite - I can 100% identify with what you're saying. As you probably know it's sometimes so difficult to verbalise inner feelings and unless somebody says it aloud, you don't know how to express them. That's exactly what happened with me just now.

I know one person whom I've ever called my true best friend. We barely keep in touch now. I got kind of used to not-having-true-friends, but it's really hard sometimes. I've never been in a relationship, but I've been close to it once or twice and each time I really like someone and it doesn't work out, it just devastates my already low self-esteem. I also think that there's always someone better than me. From the common sense point of view this kind of thinking is absurd, I know...
From what you're saying you sound like a sweet girl. I'm sure someone here will offer you some advice (as I'm probably not the best person for this... well) but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone with your problems. I hope things get better for you soon.

All the best xx Sue

[Honeybadger40]

Thank you Sue. Nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way at least. You seem like a lovely person too. I really hope things get better for you xx

[Celyn]

Hey there,

Sorry to hear you are feeling lonely. I can relate a lot as I've always been either in a one-to-one friendship, tagging along outside of a group or included in a group that eventually lost contact. It's completely understandable that you would start to wonder what's 'wrong' with you when it comes to making and maintaining friends. Even though it doesn't feel like it, I want to reassure you that there's nothing necessarily 'wrong' with you.

Unfortunately, some people tend not to keep in touch much with those they went to university with, once they have graduated. I understand that it's still bound to make you feel left out but you can be assured it might not be personal. It's also really good that you have filled your time with hobbies and you have your family. Are your hobbies something you do by yourself or is there a way you can make friends through your hobbies? Sometimes it can be easier to make friends with those that you have similar interests with. The other thing I want to mention, and I know it's easier said than done, but try not to compare yourself to others. It's understandable that when you look around and notice others having lots of friends that you would feel sad and even jealous. You are worthy and likeable and it sounds like you'd be a good friend to many. You will find your own friends, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

I'm also sorry to hear about the break up with your boyfriend. It sounds like it happened for the right reasons though- you deserve someone who actively chooses you and not someone who is just staying with you out of convenience. It makes sense that since this split, you'd feel disappointed that you haven't had any interest since. It's good that you have been trying to put yourself out there in terms of dating apps. However, with dating apps comes a lot of uncertainty regarding other people who use them and though it may seem like an easier way to meet people, it can also be time consuming and disheartening when it doesn't work out. I notice that you mention you get few messages and I'm wondering if you initiate much? Sometimes it can help to take the first step and message other people and see if they get back to you. Everyone has things they are good at or traits that others like about them, as well as everyone has their own flaws and things to work on. While you have compared yourself to traits that you feel you aren't good enough in, I'm very sure that you equally have plenty of good things about yourself. Maybe it might help to focus on your positive qualities, rather than comparing yourself to others? You aren't boring or stupid and I'm sure you'll meet a special someone who feels that you too are special to them. In the meantime, try to be your own best friend and treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Challenge those thoughts by making them less negative. You wouldn't treat a friend or partner this way, so why treat yourself as less than?

Even with your health, hobbies and other things, it makes sense that you'd still feel lonely. You might feel that you are unworthy and unwanted, but you aren't. You also don't need to change yourself to fit in either. You just haven't met the right people yet

How would you feel about talking to a professional (doctor or counsellor) about your loneliness and struggles with friendship? If it's been affecting your life a lot for a while, it's worth seeking out help. There might not be anything 'wrong' but it could be worth exploring to see if there are any underlying issues (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, or autism for example) where you could benefit from treatment. Regardless, it's always worth talking about things that affect us!

[Borrows]

Try to become more open-minded, meet some new people, don't be afraid of any changes!