Triggering (Suicide): Extremely lonely.

[Green Yoshi]

It's a little tough now.

[Svisttt]

Heyy

I don't know the full story or anything, but even though things are really rough now, things do get better

You're never gonna be alone, and if you ever need to talk to someone I'm here, and there are plenty of other people who would listen to you as well

[Green Yoshi]

Thanks.

But its a little deeper than it sounds... I've made a few other threads, and things got worse ever since July 2016..

I do need to talk. I feel like.. I'm a danger to myself.

Hey there,

I am sorry you are struggling so much right now. I know a while back you seemed to have found some help through feeding the cats in your area, do you think that might be something you could try and do to help you feel a bit better?

Maybe if you look at Alternatives and Coping Methods you could find some things to try until you get to a better place and no longer feel like hurting yourself.

If you are in immediate danger of harming yourself it would be a good idea for you to reach out to emergency services in your area. They would be able to help keep you safe until you got to a better place.

[Green Yoshi]

The problem is that while I like cats, the amount of emotional pain I'm going through is such that the cats... can't even numb the pain anymore. She doesn't know it, though. She only knows that I still feed the cats but she doesn't know that it's stopped affecting me.

Basically.. someone like her has to return. I hope that I'll find that happiness again.

Otherwise, the only thing I can do is make other people happy. Life has lost its purpose for me... I don't care about life anymore. But I'm happy that she got a boyfriend so she will be happy. As for me, my fate is going to be very, very different.

I'll probably check that out. Coping methods...

truth is that I've been feeling like this since July ,2016. Ever since we got into that quarrel... truth is that it's been very sad and lonely ever since. Most of the other people I call up just make use of me for money /free meals, and the rest usually are never there.

So I guess whatever my parents did to ruin my life, they succeeded . I hope they are happy. Now, I won't ever find someone like the best friend she was.

[Storyteller.]

Originally Posted by Green Yoshi

Basically.. someone like her has to return.

If you pin all your hopes of happiness on a single relationship, you will never truly be happy.

It's great to have friends, and best friends, and partners, and people we love in our lives. But happiness has to come from within, or it's bound to be unstable. If you feel like the only way to be happy is to have a best friend you spend all your time with, then you're setting yourself up for disappointment because there will always be elements that you can't control. If that person leaves, or you have a fight, or you drift away, you will be left miserable and without a coping mechanism - namely, the company of the very person who's causing you all this pain to begin with (albeit probably unintentionally). You need to find ways to be happy on your own, and to feel so secure in yourself that you don't need to rely on another person in order to feel content. Because once you have that own sense of self, that resilience and emotional maturity, you'll know that you're interacting with other people because you want to, because you genuinely like them and want to spend time with them, rather than because you feel dependent on them or because you're just scared of being alone. Do you get what I'm saying?

As for being in pain - if you've been in such severe pain for so long, you need to do something about it. It's all well and good for you to post here, but it's clear by your threads that you need more support than we're able to provide. I really think you should look into seeing a professional, if you don't already. And if you're going to keep posting threads here (which of course you're more than welcome to do), I think it would be helpful for you to actually say what kind of support you're looking for. Do you just want to talk about your feelings, without any expectation of realistic advice? Do you want some kind words and gentle encouragement? Or do you want practical suggestions? The more specific you are, the more we'll be able to help.

[Green Yoshi]

What I need... is someone to share my life with. I hate to say it, because this void isn't fillable by any other means.

I get what you mean, but the fact is that.. I was alone ( in real life .. not online because of th friends ) for some time, and I have to the conclusion that trying to fight alone ain't worth it. It's been 365 days plus half a year of non-stop never ending pain, and as we already know..

I have had dark thoughts plenty of times.

Btw... if anyone can come to my country and spend time with me, that will be good too.

[Storyteller.]

Originally Posted by Green Yoshi

What I need... is someone to share my life with. I hate to say it, because this void isn't fillable by any other means.

I think it might be helpful for you to consider how you phrase things like this. Instead of saying "this is the only way to fix this problem", I would encourage you to say something more like "I feel like this is the only way to fix this problem". Because sometimes when we feel low, we latch onto certain ideas and get stuck on the notion that they're the only thing that will help. For example, I once thought that self-harm was the only way for me to cope with my feelings, and that suicide was the only thing that could ever give me relief. But you know what? I was incredibly, entirely wrong. I found safe, healthy coping mechanisms. I allowed myself to fall in love with life again. And I realised that if I had gone on believing that there was only one way to feel better, I would still be stuck in the same unhealthy headspace I was in a few years ago.

I think the same is true for you. In this case, you felt lonely, and you finally found someone who made you feel less alone. Maybe that was the first time you felt genuine happiness or like you had a purpose. But that doesn't mean that's the only thing that will ever make you feel better. It's just the only one you can think of right now. And that's fine. When you're in as much pain as you've said you are, it can be difficult to think rationally and to come up with alternatives. But maybe you don't have to. Maybe you could look up some lists of things that other people have done to combat loneliness or rediscover their joy. You might find an idea or two that stand out, without the pressure and stress that might come from trying to create your own ideas. Let yourself consider the idea that there are other ways to feel better, and remember that, as I've said before, happiness has to come from within. It's not as simple as finding that one person or achieving that one goal and suddenly being completely stable and always happy. You have to work at it, and to cultivate your own happiness.

That said, you absolutely do not have to do this alone. Seek help - and let yourself accept it. Dark thoughts don't mean you have to act on them; loneliness doesn't have to mean you're alone; being in pain doesn't mean you can't be happy. You are not alone, but you do have to take control of your own life if you ever want to get better.

[Green Yoshi]

I'll need to find someone , or hope that she returns, but nice people like her are very hard to come by over here. So.. there is darkness.Absolute darkness.

Yeah... she made things much better, and I finally felt alive when I was with her.

... I have tried it, but there's no point trying anything if no one's there to walk the journey with me.

I want someone to spend my time with, the way I did with her. Preferably, it would be here, but.. thats an impossibility at this point. So.. ..so... there is only darkness.

[Storyteller.]

Originally Posted by Green Yoshi

... I have tried it, but there's no point trying anything if no one's there to walk the journey with me.

Do you mind me asking what exactly you have tried? Have you talked to a therapist? Have you tried to keep yourself busy so you don't think about "her" as much? Have you started keeping a journal or engaging in some other activity to help you sort through and accept your feelings? I know you've mentioned spending time with some cats in your area, and that's great, but I'm sure there are plenty of other things that you haven't tried (and maybe haven't even thought of). The more you tell us about your situation and what you've done so far, the more we'll be able to come up with useful suggestions.

[Green Yoshi]

I have tried all of this. Everything.. basically I've walked around, donated money, I've given away some of my prized possessions, I've tried books, I've tried pool, I've tried going to cat cafes, I've tried video gaming, I've tried music, I've tried meeting other people (I got used for money, and there's this guy who backstabs me all the time and won't ever pay me back.. and makes me feel stupid and bad whenever i make a statement ) I've tried rescuing strays, I've tried sports, I've tried driving, I've tried swimming, I've tried walking around alone (just compounds the loneliness) I've tried everything.

I've tried sign language,I've tried travelling.. I've even tried joining things like meetup.com , and they dont ever want to create deep connections. Hi and bye is all they're interested in, but I want something deeper than that.

Everything. Everything. I've tried it all.

It's all just made it worse.

[Storyteller.]

It definitely sounds like you've tried a lot of different things, and I'm sorry none of them have felt like they really worked so far. Have you talked to someone about it, like a therapist or counsellor? It could be that the reason these things aren't working is that you're trying to use them as distractions when what you really need might be to get to the root of the problem.

[Green Yoshi]

The root of the problem was that my parents were too strict, and... I found someone after that.... that..... tenth circle of hell. That person left,

and.. returned...but she doesn't treat me like a best friend anymore. She treats me like someone who she's forced to be around with, because she knows that if she's not around..

I...I... will do very, very bad things to myself.

But we don't even talk as often as we did before, and the warmth that was in our conversations in the past is gone.

So... my final light is gone. Forever.

To clarify,lasttime... we used to talk the whole day. And even if i felt sad .. orjust a little down, she would warm me up and scold me for keeping things from her. Nowwe talk like five times a month, and she either doesn't reply or... says stuff and talks unenthusiastically and says " sorry, i'm out now. chat later." "Sorry.. cant talk now.. bout to sleep. bye. "

Now.. she doesnt even show emotion when we chat. It's like she's not invested in it anymore.

From best, best friends to that and stuff like this: If I'm feeling down, she tells me to talk to the counselor ( Didn't work and they just wanted my money ) . But she didn't offer to listen or offer compassion anymore.

What I lost, was alot. Especially for someone with strict parents like mine, meeting her was like a godsend. Losing her... was like.... the last lantern burning out, leaving me in deep, inexorable darkness.

I can't see a tomorrow.

Btw, one more thing.. when we message each other..

I am the one who messages her first. She never messages me first.

Now tell me.. is there hope?

I've tried meeting other people, but it didn't work out. I have tried my very, very,very best. I got made use of for money. So... yeah. One got a free lunch off me, the other one just wanted a free movie, and the second one was a hardcore drinker who cares about his own image and "fabulousnenss " more than anything else.

[MsNobleEleanor]

I am really sorry you are struggling so much. You have lost so much in your life and trying to regain that loss is very difficult from people who you are suppose to trust. The mistreatment you faced by your parents and friends is hard.

Have you considered looking into grieving at all? It sounds like you are grieving the loss of friendships and dealing with how your grew up. This doesn't mean It shapes you to be any different. You can change this, how you feel and start to move past this. Moving past all the hurt you went through is a long procress a process you need to be willing to do.

None of what you went through will be easy. Sometimes working on ourselves can seem like a full time job but it doesn't have to be. I recommend seeing a counselor and then also do self care things that can help you. Self care is important and it means different things for many of us. Reading can be self care. Going for a walk. Going swimming. Colouring or doing crafts. Even sitting and watching movies or shows. What matters is what your self care is.

In order to feel better you need to work through what happened even from your childhood and how your parents were strict. It will hurt and suck but it does start to get better and you can learn new ways to cope with your feelings.

I also would recommend seeing if there's support groups for regulating your emotions. It's helpful to know skills so you can handle how you feel. For instance if someone is angry you may learn to take a jog or hold ice, these tools can help you regulate your emotions.

Another support group is a group to just talk about your daily life so you aren't alone. Many others have struggles and knowing someone else is going through almost the same thing, it can be helpful to know you aren't alone.

Please don't give up and don't shape your life around others who have hurt you, you deserve so much more. You deserve to feel better. You don't need someone to share your life with. If you feel like you do, animals are a great support and they don't share your secrets. Maybe get some support through animals because they are really amazing when we feel so low and alone.

Hang in there. You are strong.

[Green Yoshi]

I already tried grieving.. it didnt work.

I tried working.. and its hard, too. It resulted in dangerous moments. I guess i don't mind doing all that, but... being alone without that person around is not good..

I have already tried. My parents already acknowledged that they were wrong. But it is already way, way way too late.

I'll try to look into those skills.I guess....

I want someone to share my life with. i didn't have someone,and that led to me feeling like this.. except that it was some time ago. Now, without that someone... its horrible.

I have already petted and helped cats find homes and gave em beds for over 7 months.. its not working anymore and I want someone like her (she's nice and warm. Very nice and warm. )

This is the hardest fight in my life.