Triggering (Suicide): lonely.

[tranquility]

i am extremely lonely, and it makes me want to die.

to explain things a bit, i have two groups of "friends". i have two people in my life that i am close to. the first group are a year below me in school. this already makes things a little awkward. i also sit with them at lunch. i am closer with this group than the other, but i still consider them more acquaintances. one of the people i am close with in life is in this group, and the rest are just her friends. i talk to them and enjoy their company, but i know that they really don't like me that much. i never get invited to parties or anything of the sort. they hang out together a lot and sleep over quite a bit. i have slept over with them once, and the whole time i felt very excluded. i spent a lot of time on my phone by myself or locked in the bathroom. they didn't know i was gone.

the other group consists of kids in my year. they are all pretty popular and well off. my crush is in this group, and he is the closest person i have in this group. but still, everyone in it is merely people i talk to in the hall to make myself seem less alone. and i don't necessarily feel singled out in that way- not all of them are super close with each other. but yet, they hang out on the weekends. they have parties. they have fun together. i am never asked to come. i saw a livestream that one of them posted this morning where they were all having a pool party and having fun. moments after they saw i joined, it was deleted very suddenly.

i am the black sheep of my school. they all get along so nicely, but no one ever stops to ask how i am. no one ever asks to hang out or even talk for a while. i stay at home by myself every single weekend, just watching everyone in my school have fun. i am the one that walks behind everyone else on the sidewalk so there's room for the more important people. i am the one that sits on the far side of the lunch table so getting in on conversations is difficult. i am no ones first choice to hang out with. no one thinks to them self, "i would really like to hang out with them today." it just doesn't happen. no one comes to my birthday parties. i saw one person from my school last summer. i don't get any texts from anyone other than my mother.

i am no one's friend. i want to die.

i can't just make new friends either. no one at my school likes me. i am overweight and ugly. some of my teachers don't even know my name. most kids don't. people laugh at me in the halls. i constantly have eyes on me, judging me.

i want to die.

Hi, Grey!

I'm sorry to hear about how you are feeling. Loneliness is a horrible feeling and can be difficult to deal with, but I am glad you have a couple of people whom you are close to. Have you spoken to your friend about how you are feeling? You deserve support through this.

It must be hard to have two groups of friends who don't feel like friends. I'm sorry to hear they don't include you or treat you like a friend. Since you consider the first group of friends acquaintances, would you consider spending more time with them to get to know them better? Since they are friends with a close friend of yours it could be nice to bond with them. Perhaps they don't know you very well and aren't sure how to get to know you? While it may be tempting to spend time on your phone or in the bathroom, it may be causing you to miss out on bonding moments that could bring you closer together. I am wondering if you have anything in common with them, or could bring up interests of yours and ask them about their interests. Sometimes we feel like we do not fit in, but discover we actually do once those involved get to know each other better.

That is upsetting that you are not invited to parties, and that the live stream was deleted after you had joined. I'm wondering if it could have been a coincidence? Perhaps they were planning on ending the live stream right there, and it was simply bad timing? If that isn't the case, I'd be upset too but it is worth noting other possibilities. If events like these continue happening then I'd say they are avoiding you, but I hope they aren't because you deserve better than that.

I can imagine it is really hard at your school, to see everyone else getting along well but being left out of conversations, events and out of the equation in general. At lunch, could you ask someone if you could sit beside them? I am sure there are at least a few quiet people at your school who sit alone or in small groups who would value genuine friendships and kindness. You can also branch out by going to support groups, talking to people your age in your neighborhood, and making friends online (in a safe way) such as here at TeenHelp. I've made friends with quite a lot of amazing people here - you could do the same! Speaking of, you can message me anytime, okay? I would truly like to get to know you because you seem nice and I can relate to you in ways.

Have you thought about joining sports at your school? It'd be a source of socializing and exercise. Grey, I have not seen you but I don't believe you are ugly. Everyone is beautiful in their own ways. Those who determine who they will be friends with based on physical features are usually leading themselves into friendships without a solid ground. I do believe you'll find friends who love and appreciate you, and spending time with you. Real, true friends. You deserve happiness, kindness, genuine friendship and life. You're worth it. Keep your eyes on dreams, passions and those who once laughed at you will be the ones missing out on knowing you, and what makes you such a nice person; someone who wants real friendships.

Keep holding on, alright? Don't give up, Grey. There's so many better days ahead that are worth holding on for. Take care and stay strong.

[Green Yoshi]

There are no ugly people in this world, only judgmental people who try to put down other people just to feed their own egos that they feel define both who they are . What I see in you is a lot of hope and happiness.... just get out there, and try to socialize in environments where you'll meet people who're older than you, and perhaps also know this : Beyond a certain age... what really matters is your personality. I have faith that you're a nice person, and that you'll be a blessing to everyone you'll meet.

I also think that anyone who doesn't get to know you is making a huge mistake, so if they don't get to know you.. it's their loss... and your gain. You will avoid knowing people who might potentially put you down, and only end up knowing people who will be your friends for a lifetime.