Where I am at right now in my lonely life

[jmike129]

So, I should probably preface this with the fact that I'm new here and that I mostly sought out this site as a place where I could post my problems and talk to people without the thought of negative repercussion. Obviously we all have problems, but some of us are not comfortable talking about them in person or with people whom we interact with in the real world, so forums such as these give people a good place to vent things which they normally would be too embarrassed or uncomfortable to discuss IRL.

Anyway, I've felt consistently distraught over the past few months about a certain fact in my life that makes me feel very inadequate to those around me. That fact being that I have never been in any sort of relationship.

I should explain first and foremost why I feel distraught over this fact. In our society, it is plain to see that we as a people (by people I mean people in western cultures) place heavy importance on romance; after all, love is a plot device in almost every work of art, film, music, literature, etc; it is the emotion that evokes the greatest and worst aspects of humanity. It is the feeling by which we recognizing something greater than ourselves. I would be lying if I were to say that I have never felt love, in the sense that I have loved before, but I would also be lying if I said that I had ever in my life felt what it is like to be loved. I have never felt what it is like to be liked, let alone what it is like to be loved. This lack of affection in my life makes me feel somewhat unwanted in society; that I have some flaw that keeps me from being a normal, functioning member of society, and that it would be better if I were not present in society to begin with.

I should explain that I am not alone by my own choice; I tried just as much as any other guy in highschool to get dates, but every girl I asked replied to my advances with the same reply, more or less, "I really like being around you , and your a really nice, handsome guy, but I just don't feel that way about you. I'd rather we just stay friends instead". At first glance, this wasn't at all a bad thing to me. On the contrary, it was something that made me feel good about myself at first. "Sure," I thought "this girl may not like me in the romantic sense, but she likes me enough as a person to keep me as a friend, and that's something great in and of itself!". And that's how I felt for awhile; that I just wasn't right for that specific person and eventually I'd meet someone who felt the same for me as I did for them. But then the years went by, and more and more girls rejected me when I asked them out. Eventually I decided that I wasn't meant to be with anyone and pondered whether I should just accept my fate as a loner (I know, that's a very irrational thought, but you must understand that I was feeling serious depression at this point, and occasionally even had suicidal thoughts. My mind just wasn't functioning correctly at the time.) Nevertheless, I trudged through these negative thoughts and kept on pushing, not accepting the defeat that was so clearly looking me directly in the face. I made it a goal to find a girlfriend by the time I graduated.

Well, I graduated two weeks ago, and surprise, surprise, I went through four years of high school single. You may think that this means nothing, as I'm about to head to university and I'll have plenty of time to find someone right, but I assure you that the reason I feel sorrowful is not that I do not believe that I will ever find anyone (though I do think this sometimes) but that I feel sad for two distinctly different reasons.

I feel sad because A) I have missed out on memories that I feel everyone should have experienced at one point in their life, and B) I feel unwanted and childish for not experiencing these things.

It seems that there are certain social milestones that people are supposed to experience at X date in their life: go on a date, get a girlfriend, have your first kiss, go to your first dance, have sex, etc. While I believe that there is no reason to be ashamed of being a virgin at this early of an age, I do feel ashamed for not having other experiences that are in the same ballpark. I have to accept that I'll never know what it's like to go to prom with a girl you really like, or what it's like to have a highschool sweetheart. Furthermore, I am very ashamed of the fact that I am 18 and I've never so much as kissed a girl. It seems like most people have their first kiss around 13-14, so being this late of a bloomer seems like a very shameful thing, illogical, I know, but it's honestly how I feel. There's a sociological stigma given to people who don't have any luck getting date/attracting people; they're considered weird and pathetic losers, and thus I now consider myself to be such, because society has taught me to. :/

What is worse though than feeling like a loser because of my inexperience, is that I also feel very paranoid about the future that may become of this ignorance. I feel that if I somehow do find someone in college and manage to go on a date, then I am going to be so oblivious to the social cues and expectations that I'll embarrass myself and that no girl will want to be with me. I mean, to explain to a girl in college that not only that you've never dated before, but that you've never gone any farther than hug girl, is a terrifying prospect to me. Yet, I feel like if I am going to meet a girl, it would be a conversation that would be inevitable; I mean, it would be rather awkward if I kissed a girl and I was so bad at it (for obvious reasons) and would then have to say "oh, well that was my first kiss..." when she says something about how bad it was! It just seem like whatever is in store for me, if there is anything in store for me at all, is destined to be awkward and embarrassing, which is not a very comforting though, considering my social anxiety.

Well, there you have it. That's my problem, and there's where I am in life right now. If you'd like to comment on it, feel more than welcome, if not, then thanks for reading this little rant anyway!

[PureStorm]

Hi there,

first of all, I'd like to link to an old thread here, if you want, have a read of my posts. The core of the topic is different, but the story behind it resembles yours, so my responses there partially apply to you, too!
http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f6-se...ginity-escort/
Secondly, yeah I know how you're feeling. Got rejected probably dozens of times before I got my first kiss (at age 19, I believe). The feeling of rejection is mostly reserved for men in this society. Men have it hard when it comes to dating, especially those who are not as active as they are passive when it comes to making the first step (and the second, third, fourth, fifth...which usually men have to do). To make matters worse, society puts, as you already realized, pressure and shame onto men who refuse to be someone they're not, who refuse to be someone who is outgoing and asking women out on dates and never expects the woman to take the initiative. Those who just don't have the personality of such a person, and would have to fake it. And those who are simply out of luck.
Again, read more about that in the thread I linked.
In fact, I would suggest you read it and then talk to me about it here, where we can also talk about open points I haven't gone into.
I'd really like to help you, as I can empathize with you. Unfortunately, there's no patent remedy. But first of all, you have to forget what you are usually told:

• Relax, you will find someone
• Dates come when you least expect it, so stop looking
• any other bull... of that kind.

Those statements work for those for whom being passive works (mostly women), while they can do more harm than good to those who have to be active and face rejection after rejection (like us) before they get any success.

Three of my buddies are in their late twenties/very early thirties. All three are virgins. One has been looking, got rejected a dozen times and gave up. The other two are passive, they're open for a flirt if a woman makes the first step, but they're still waiting today. When they ask for advice they are still, at their age, given the above "advices". None of them is awkward, otherwise I wouldn't choose to be around them. They all are what you would call "average" - not prominent, but standing on solid ground with both legs, not awkward but not very social either. Just nice company. They don't look like models, but they don't have repelling looks either. Just average. Unfortunately, average is not good enough these days.

It'll also be mostly women telling you to cherish your virginity. Again, this works for them, because it increases their social status (some men prefer virgins). It does the opposite to men. They are shamed for it, taught they must have issues, and that no experienced woman will want them, which, to some extent is true - women you date are influenced by society, too, and sometimes join in the virginity shaming and feel repelled because of how they were programmed by society. But there are many who will not mind (at least not until you're 25). I was a late bloomer, too, and my first one didn't mind at all. Just don't bring it up as an awkward confession. As weird as it sounds, being yourself when the party starts rolling is the best you can do. When you're kissing, don't apologize for anything. Same applies to sex. Just do what feels good!


Oh, and welcome to th.


R.