Losing friends and feeling lonely

[entangledmind]

I hope you can all bare with me as I try to explain my problem. I have a hard time talking about my problems and putting them into words. I'm sorry if it is at all confusing.
I'll start off where it basically began; I have a friend whom I've known for about twelve years, she 20 and I'm 15. Only in the last maybe three to two years have we become close. There's one predicament; she would constantly go on how I was her best-est friend and how much she loved me. Of course I loved her, enjoyed her company and trusted her but she wasn't my best friend. I confided in her a lot because I do have a very minimal about of friends and she was just a pleasant person to talk to. However, she's always gotten a frustrated when I would share a problem with a different person. She would get hurt because I'd known her for so long but not go to her with my problem.
I have explained to her over and over that often times I'd confide in her, but since my way of sharing with people was more like venting she probably just didn't think I was sharing with her.
And quite honestly I didn't like sharing with her ( I didn't tell her this though ) because either she would start going on how her problems were worse or she'd hurt me. I showed her the scars on my wrist and she gave a look of utter disgust and that hurt SO much.
So to the point I guess, a couple of weeks ago I invited her and to other friends over.
Well I made a huge mistake and I knew because of it I would really really hurt my boyfriend so I started crying. However I only shared it with my two other friends because they were there when I made the mistake. I felt terrible for leaving her out. I wanted to tell her but I couldn't because I knew I'd have an anxiety attack if I took on too many problems at once.
I was crying uncontrollably outside while my other girlfriend called my boyfriend to tell him what was up while the other friend sat at my side trying to calm me down. Then the girl whom I'm having trouble with stood off at a distance and said something to me that I could barely hear,
"What was the point of me coming?"
I already felt terrible for ruining the day and hurting my boyfriend that when she said that I snapped. I stood up and yelled at her "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I freaking planned this?!"
I ran off and began crying harder and I could barely breathe. My friend came running after me, and he sat with me until I could breathe again.
Later that week I talked to the girl about it over facebook and I didn't even say how what she said hurt me so bad, I just apologized for what I said. I was kind of stung when she went on to criticize how i acted when she made that very hurtful remark while I was in tears but I didn't say anything. I've worked really hard on forgiving her and I have.
But I feel our relationship slipping. She saw me later and we barely spoke, then Sunday at church we just hugged and said hi laughing some times after. But I saw her again at youth group and she didn't even look at me or say hi.
Later I was sitting on another girls lap when she pointed out I was too skinny. My friend whose ignoring me then said very spitefully, "Yeah she starves her self to be skinny..."
She knows that I can't eat that much because my anxiety is so bad and I throw up if I eat more then one meal a day. I don't know why she's being like this. I don't want to lose more friends.
I have already lost both my brothers, my sisters, and five friends whom all rejected and left me.
I have really bad trust issues and she also knows that.
To add to all this I unknowingly hurt another friend and she says I've broken her heart and she can't trust me anymore.
I don't know what to do. I'm so so lonely right now, I'm very restricted to talking to my boyfriend because of my parents' rules. I try not to share to much with my best friend because he has his own problems and worries so much when I share stuff with him. And I have a hard time with other girls because I don't trust them that much for some reason.
I'm sorry if this has all been very hard and confusing to understand. But I also help someone can help me. I feel so lonely and last time I felt really lonely I almost took my life and I'm scared to be there again. Thank you for using your time to read this and I hope it hasn't been wasted.

[PSY]

Hey there! I'm really sorry you're dealing with so much pain and anxiety at the moment. It doesn't sound like some of your friends have been very understanding of what you're going through.

I really hope you don't take this the wrong way... but I feel "in the dark" about what's going on here. I mean, I can see what's happening with your friends... but what about everyone else? Why is it that so many people have "rejected" you? I don't want to point fingers and say you're to blame for everything... but when so many people have a negative reaction, it suggests to me that something happened in the past (which may or may not have been of your doing) that hasn't been fully resolved. Perhaps dealing with that issue (or the aftermath) now will help address some of the overall problems you've been having with trusting people.

[entangledmind]

Originally Posted by PSY

Hey there! I'm really sorry you're dealing with so much pain and anxiety at the moment. It doesn't sound like some of your friends have been very understanding of what you're going through.

I really hope you don't take this the wrong way... but I feel "in the dark" about what's going on here. I mean, I can see what's happening with your friends... but what about everyone else? Why is it that so many people have "rejected" you? I don't want to point fingers and say you're to blame for everything... but when so many people have a negative reaction, it suggests to me that something happened in the past (which may or may not have been of your doing) that hasn't been fully resolved. Perhaps dealing with that issue (or the aftermath) now will help address some of the overall problems you've been having with trusting people.

No I greatly appreciate all honesty and am open to any opinion. As for the rejection, it began when I was seven years old my two older brothers and older sister moved out to live with their other family. I was seven and didn't understand the concept. I just thought I wasn't good enough therefore I concluded rejected. They've never really been apart of my life anymore since then.
With the five friends, they were adults, all well in their thirties and I trusted them with my life, but they also left me when they were offended by something my mothers said. Despite my mom's constant apologies they refused to have anything to do with us. They'd been my friends all my life and sword to do anything to help me in any need. The offense my mother caused them was requesting they ask her permission before inviting me over. They thought she was trying to control them therefore refused to talk to my mom anymore.
Twice in my life I have been hurt very badly and not well mended. I was hurt by people who I put my faith and trust in and in the end my own family left me along with people I considered family.
As I am older I do not blame my older siblings for moving out because I understand why, but since I was at such a young age it still has left some scars. Not to mention I haven't seen one brother in four years, and my other brother told me to my face as a ten year old he wanted nothing to do with us.
These are the reasons I have trust issues.
Now this isn't an excuse and plea for sympathy for anyone who wants to make friends with me. They shouldn't act any differently for my sake. I have to suck it up and realize the world isn't against me despite how truly hard it is.
I just want to mend this relationship that is falling apart (or has fallen apart) before me.
Please, if you have advice tell me.

[Cassie999]

Hi Midnight_Star,

You deserve better friends then that. All your friends that have entered your life and then they have rejected you proves that they wasn't the people you thought they was. Your friends must of said words to you that they didn't even mean. like your friends promise or said they will always be there for you but they didn't because they now have rejected you all because of what your mum said. What matters now is people who your with now that love you very much forget your friends that weren't acting like friends and just concertrate on the future.