Advice for Neurotypical Partners

[Stacey]

Hey everyone,
I am neurotypical but my long-time partner is neurodiverse (ADHD diagnosis since childhood, "forgot" about it, re-diagnosed last year).

Basically, just wanted to start a thread for advice for those of us with partners who are neurodiverse - are there things that work well for you in your relationships? Do you need things phrased in certain ways? etc.

For example, if you are someone that struggles with time blindness, what do you find works for you - either that you implement yourself or that your partner does to help. What do you find helps you have those tough, emotional conversations if you struggle with RSD or emotional regulation?


I'll start - my partner is terrible with time when it comes to anything other than his own work. I started a shared google calendar with him pretty early into the relationship to ensure that he always had all the information he needed to try and remember and/or get there on time (or not hours late, lol). We also take separate cars when something is important because I get incredibly anxious being late (which by my personal standards is being 10 minutes early) and will typically want to leave earlier than him and trying to make him leave anything is always another whole thing (he will then stand and talk to people by the door for another half hour, for example).

[Celyn]

I'm not in a relationship and don't have a diagnosis (though I think I might be autistic). I think that if I were in a relationship, or even a friendship, with a neurotypical person, I would want them to:

Avoid using hints. I can pick up on some hints but not all. I'm either going to completely miss the hint, or overthink and worry about whether something is a hint and what the other person wants/expects. I might think that something is a hint when it actually isn't but by then, it's too late and I've already acted on it.

Ask, don't assume. Somehow I attract people that think all sorts of things about me or my life and end up making decisions for me or acting on their thoughts (actually projections) without asking me first. I'm then horrified with the other person who does not understand why I'm not grateful for their 'help'.

Give me a way out of something. I might say 'yes' but I realise I have a habit of going along with things or agreeing when I don't really want to. I find it hard to disagree or get out of things so saying something along the lines of 'you don't have to if you don't want to' and then actually meaning that (not getting annoyed/irritated if I backtrack).

Understand and reassure me. I think I struggle with RSD. It's not too bad right now, but in a relationship it can get really bad. I know it's illogical and not rational. I know there is little reason to be upset. And I worry about being clingy or controlling, and pushing people away by being needy. I need to be honest and get taken seriously so that when I seek reassurance, it's not just empty words. So I need the other person to do their best to be understanding and realise that it's scary to open up when you know RSD doesn't make any sense.

That's all I can think of for now. Though this could apply to any relationship, but in particular those who struggle with anxiety or past trauma.