Living with an abuser: my experience

[TeenHelp]

Living with an abuser: my experience

By Anonymous

I live with my abuser and have lived with them for a decent portion of my life. My abuser has harmed me emotionally and sexually throughout my life and they have a drinking problem as well. This article will go over what it is like to live with my abuser and I will share advice I have for people in similar situations.


My abuser started harming me at a young age and the abuse continued regularly. Living with them has been difficult and downright dangerous to my mental health most of the time. They still sometimes display the same types of behavior from the past such as manipulation.

Even the sight or knowledge that my abuser is on the way home is a trigger for me. I have difficulty with eye contact because when I look at them I see the eyes that burned into me while being abused. I struggle with physical affection and cringe inside when hugging or any kind of 'innocent' touch occurs.

I often get memories that relate to what they have said or done to me. Some of those memories are visual while others are tactile such as smelling vomit and dry heaving or bleeding as though I have been assaulted. There was a time a few months ago where a bleeding type of body memory lasted non-stop for three weeks before becoming menstrual.

I have struggled with self-harm and suicidal thoughts and those tend to increase in intensity when my abuser is around. I am physically dependent on harming myself and I struggle with having an intense need to cause harm to myself, whether that is temporary or permanent. I often feel trapped when they are around and that plays a role in my suicidal feelings. Feeling suicidal as a result of being angry is the worst. When I was abused my sadness was not handled well so I have trouble expressing and feeling sadness.

I struggle deeply with dissociation, to the point where I have difficulty remembering what happens in my day-to-day life. Sometimes I have a conversation with someone and forget what they said instantly. When my abuser is around I tend to forget several days at a time, leaving me with a gap of time that is unaccounted for in my mind. Sometimes I dissociate so heavily that I cannot talk; I can only whimper.

I cannot leave my abuser due to financial reasons. Additionally, in order to leave I must recover to an extent and to recover I must leave. Something that causes me a lot of heartache and frustration is that I know I can only go so far in my recovery while I live in this situation and there is a point where I can do everything in my power to recover without budging much. I have reached that place in some aspects.

Another incredibly challenging thing about my situation is mostly having to keep it to myself. I am thankful that I can discuss this with a few people but I am very limited and sometimes all I want to do is scream it to the world when I cannot do that in reality.

Sometimes even the smallest things are difficult. Some days it is hard to shower or change my clothes and living with my abuser has made other areas of my life a struggle. My daily functioning changes at the drop of a hat and that makes it much worse.

The ways I cope change from day to day but one thing I have learned is that I have to do a lot to help myself. I am in therapy several times a week and although the full extent of the abuse is not known I do find it helpful.

Sometimes I use coping skills such as listening to guided meditations when I am tired or anxious. I am also on medication that is supposed to help with my moods. I use adult coloring books and have different coloring tools that I enjoy using. I write poetry, bake, walk a mile a day, and spend time with my pets. I am also a full time student.

One of my biggest pieces of advice is to keep yourself busy doing healthy things. Doing this gives you less time to sit and think about the situation you're in. This is especially helpful if you cannot leave your abuser just yet. It can also help preexisting negative feelings such as depression and anxiety.

Something else I feel is important is acknowledging the good when you can. Yes, things in your life may be negative but paying attention to the good things when you can do so is a helpful practice and doing this always lifts my mood overall.

The last thing to remember while living with your abuser is to hold on. You're fighting a tough battle and at times it can seem very tempting to give up and impossible to keep going, but you are strong enough to live with what you've been given. You can do this even though it won't always feel like you can. Just remember that you are stronger than what has been done to you.