An experience of self-harm

[TeenHelp]

An experience of self-harm
By Jessie (Palmolive)

Living with self-harm can be hard and that's something that I can personally relate to. However, we can learn ways to manage self-harm and to manage the feelings beneath the self-harm itself. Hope will keep you alive, as long as you keep hope alive.

When I was nine, I started self-harming. Honestly, I don't know what the first thought in my head to do it was but I remember it well and it’s scary to think I'm now twenty-two and I still self-harm. Self-harm became severe for me when I was fifteen, which is the time when I had my first admission to a psychiatric ward with thirteen more to follow. Some days can be so hard, others are not so bad but I try hard to use my skills and distractions. I know a lot of people have said to me that the easy way out would be to not self-harm, but that's not the case. I want to stop self-harming but it's hard to do so because of feelings of guilt, not wanting to let people down, punishment, a release of emotions and so on. For me it has led to fourteen hospitalisations, needing medical care such as stitches, staples and surgery. It has even left me physically unwell due to blood loss which caused Anemia to the point of passing out, being sick and having a fit like experience. I remember I used to go in to school with severe wounds from the night before. I was always sent to hospital due to telling a teacher or due to bleeding through my clothing. However, for me the hardest part is the constant battle in my head. I have a side of me where I want to stop and live a life without self-harm but I also have another side of me that feels like I need self-harm in my life in order to manage and deal with situations and even everyday life. I also believe for a lot of people it can become a habit and/or addiction. It can be hard to break the cycle we can get in to with self-harm but it is possible. I feel for myself, that it is certainly an addiction.

I believe I began to self-harm due to my past experiences. I had a lot of things going on for me when I was younger such as being a young carer, living with someone who struggled with anorexia, parents who were mentally unwell, separation of parents, abuse etc, which professionals believe led to me having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I also have been diagnosed with other disorders such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Bulimia, Eating Disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) tendencies and depressive episodes. These are issues I struggle with on a day to day basis. I know about my disorders but people around struggle to understand these disorders. Having a diagnosis has helped me get certain treatments such as Dialectal Behavioural Therapy (DBT). I personally dislike being diagnosed with these disorders as I fear people will judge me if they know I am diagnosed with them. However, they have helped me get the correct support and treatment I have desperately needed.

My longest stay in hospital was two and a half years in a unit a 130 miles away from home. This was a unit for women with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) but in my individual therapy, I focused on self-harm after life threatening behaviours and therapy interrupting behaviours. I think this stay in hospital was the hardest. I was first detained under a Section 3 for being a risk to myself. I also was put on maximum observations here for six months and other times but shorter, which is something that had never been in my care plan before. I continued to self-harm in hospital and engage in life threatening behaviours but things slowly began getting better with many ups and downs. I feel like sometimes I really needed to be in hospital, but not always. I also feel like being in hospital so many times for the length of time I have been there, has taught me many new ways to self-harm due to picking up behaviours from other patients. I thought when I was discharged, that I would never self-harm again but I was completely wrong. Since then, I have needed stitches and staples a numerous amount of times, a referral to a burns unit, have had to have surgery more than once and have also had 5 hospital admissions to acute wards. Now I realise that self-harm isn't just something that can go away for me or anyone with issues like myself. It is something I still need to learn to manage and deal with in an appropriate way. Health care professionals have asked me to stop completely, while others have asked me to reduce my self-harm but the truth is, it isn't an easy fight. It's hard and a constant battle. I can be triggered by so many different things on a day to day basis. And the hardest part about it for me is that I feel like I need it but I don’t want to put my family through it any more. My family have gone to the extent of planning my funeral due to the severity of my self-harming. I don’t want to ever put them through this again. I try to focus on the future. If I am in a state, sometimes I will remind myself of the past and where it’s led to in order to encourage myself to keep on fighting.

There is hope. I know so many people who are years free of self-harm and one day I hope to be one of those people and if you also self-harm, then I hope one day you will be one of those people too. And if you are one of those people, then good on you, keep fighting and never be alone because you have come so far to give up now. Recovery isn't easy at all but it is well worth it. However, you have to be ready to stop self-harming and ready to get better. If you don't want to then you won't. If you do want to, then you can and you will but always remember recovery is possible.

Having people support you can be so beneficial. Just having someone to talk to and listen to you can release a lot of intense emotions. I currently have two psychiatric nurses (CPNs) who I see weekly, a support worker, support from my GP every 2-3 weeks, support at University, Crisis team support and a consultant psychiatrist. Using distractions is vital. As long as you're distracting yourself then you are keeping busy. Anything from watching TV, petting pets, going out with a friend, having a bath, doing work, cleaning, going for a run etc, can be beneficial. Also learning new skills to help you manage the urges to harm yourself can be incredibly helpful. Therapies can teach you skills, such as Dialectal Behavioural Therapy (DBT), Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT). If you are struggling with similar issues and feel you need help and might benefit from these, it is always a good idea to talk to your doctor or therapist to see how they can help or if they can point you in the right direction for support in these areas.

I still self-harm on a regular basis. However, it is not always severe and I don't self-harm as often. I still end up in A&E often needing stitches but it's been months since I needed surgery. I have support in place and family who help me as well as good friends and of course TeenHelp. I'm scared about what my future holds for me in terms of self-harm, however, I also know this is my responsibility - it just isn't always that straight forward but I am using my skills and trying my best.

You can click here to go to TeenHelp's list of alternatives to self-harm. Just remember not everything works for everyone so it's about trial and error and finding what helps you best.

Just know that you are never alone and hope is alive. Don't let anyone or anything get in your way of recovering from self-harm, if you want to recover. Keep fighting for your life and never give in.