TeenHelp - Rambles of a Lady who wants to say Hello

My words have always been prettier than my being,
They always seem to speak out every emotion that i want others to feel. Unlike the tedious lie of overjoy and happiness that my being puts out.

I've always been the commanding one. The one to be seen walking into the room. Call it a yell for help, a way to ask for approval. Call it attention seeking. When i was younger, you'd hear me come. My laughter and dramatics could be heard from down the halls. My complaints, whines, and good mornings and even my hugs. I'd come in with stories of adventures, though not extreme, still large spoken stories. Ignore all the displeasured looks and roll of eyes.

Now, i barely can stand to say a word. Fear fills my being at every interaction. My writing speaks what my voice fails to. More focus on story telling than anything else. But when someone reaches out to talk, I want to talk. I want to say hello. Want to speak up.

But would they even listen? Or will it just be roll of eyes and silence again. Fear of aloneness drives me to the one thing i don't want. To be alone..

So to my friend, you know who you are. I saw the messages on that group. I wanted to comment just like everyone else did, but the fear got to close. And as our other friend said, triggered might be the correct word to describe part of my unconscious fear of not being accepted and being alone.
So if you can, i ask of you. Just casual mention me saying hello. I won't ask for more, maybe I should ask for less.. maybe instead of hello, hi works instead.

And maybe soon I'll actually stop being afraid. Maybe soon I'll say hello again myself. Maybe soon, I'll be okay.