TeenHelp - Only One

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- - Only One (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f40-self-expression/t161211-only-one/)

Would only one be so bad?
Would only one ruin my record?
I have a clean track of 2 years and several months
Would only one cancel out the progress I've had?

I don't want to appear weak
in front of my friends
I don't want to keep it hidden and have them inadvertently find out
I don't want to lose them when they find out I am not doing so well

I remember my social worker from 3 years ago
Vouching on my behalf that if I was given a safe place to live,
my self harm habits would all but seize
I was granted a safe place and I knew I couldn't disappoint him
I had to show what he said was true

I came to be known as the first resident
Who had moved out in a healthy way
The residents looked up to me; inspired by my strength
I cannot disappoint them now or ever

I don't want to start over; I don't want to throw my progress away
Not wanting to mess up is no longer sustaining me
I need a reason to triumph rather than to barely avoid

When I am not busy with work I curl up in a ball
Blanket over my head
Begging for the pain to end
Sometimes I realize how addicted I still am
The cravings don't stop coursing through my body
I want to be free and I am not

In between gasps for air and shaking episodes
I ask myself: What would be so bad about only one superficial cut anyway?

I can really see the emotion in this piece of writing and I can definitely understand how some of that can feel. Writing seems like a really helpful way of getting that emotion out, so I hope it helped you a bit to put it into words. If you're ever in need of support please don't feel like you can't ask for it here.

Thank you for sharing this!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Everglow. (Post 1362001)

Thank you.

I'm running thin on my coping skills. I went to sleep past 1am trying to fight this. Writing did help but I need a stronger "dose" and that doesn't necessarily happen with creative work. I have also been doing visual art. And I take tattooed myself where my old scars are.

This is such a strong, expressive piece of writing!

I can definitely relate to a lot of this. I hope some of the mechanisms you've tried as alternatives are helping <3

Thank you for sharing. Hope you are okay :hug:

There's a lot of emotion expressed in this. I am glad you shared. I always enjoy reading your work!!! Keep on posting!

This was lovely, thank you so much for sharing with us :hug: