Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself

[CrusadingAvenger]

All this crying…

All this complaining…

All this “why is this happening to me…?”

You’re so defensive about being vulnerable
when someone genuinely wants to get to know you,
yet you have no problem writing out 3 long paragraphs
on a social media post or a support forums website
about “how nothing feels real anymore,” “how all
hope is lost, there is no way things will get better,”
“I don’t know what to do,” and you write all this out
hoping someone will come in and save you.

I hate to break it to you…

But no one’s coming.

Nobody cares about your feelings.

I don’t mean this in a cold-hearted way,
but hear me out before you judge me for saying this…

In a world where technology has evolved,
we’ve used it as an outlet as a cry for help,
we tell the world how miserable and lonely we are,
how we don’t see the point in continuing on,
how we long for a connection with someone
who can relate to us because we’re deluded to thinking
our life will be better when we have that person
or those people in our lives, but the truth is no one’s listening,
and you have to be the one to make the most out of your life.

No matter how many people comment on your posts…

No matter how many people message you in a day…

No matter how many people give you “advice…”

No matter how many people say “I care about you…”

You have to be the one to save yourself.

You have to be the one to stay strong.

Because whether or not you want to hear this,
the world will keep moving on without you.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

You’ll be pitied for the rest of your life if you continue to do.

Pull yourself together, and take control.

If someone out there has had it far worse than you
and still made it out strong in the end…

Why can’t you?

[hocus pocus]

Thanks for sharing this, it seems like you have a good mindset. I hope things are well for you, but I do think it can be more complicated for others because everyone's different. What works for one person after what they lived through may not work for another because people are different: but that's the beauty of the world, and of TeenHelp. You get to see a lot of different perspectives!

[CrusadingAvenger]

It's only as complicated as one makes it out to be. It's all in the mindset.

Originally Posted by cynefin

Thanks for sharing this, it seems like you have a good mindset. I hope things are well for you, but I do think it can be more complicated for others because everyone's different. What works for one person after what they lived through may not work for another because people are different: but that's the beauty of the world, and of TeenHelp. You get to see a lot of different perspectives!

This is definitely important to consider. You see so many different responses to situations. It's not one size fits all. It's definitely important to remember that and to be compassionate towards other people struggles and their journey through wellness and recovery.

[CrusadingAvenger]

I think you're missing the point in what I'm saying here. Yes, everybody has their struggles, I empathize because I understand it's not easy to get over, and I never said it is easy to (or there's a one size fits all solution), but ultimately, you're the one who needs to pull yourself together. You need to change how you're looking at things. It fascinates me how almost everyone is okay with holding on to their excuses not to be better. People will ask for all the advice in the world on their problems, but most won't take it to heart and just keep creating the same problems.

Originally Posted by CrusadingAvenger

I think you're missing the point in what I'm saying here. Yes, everybody has their struggles, I empathize because I understand it's not easy to get over, and I never said it is easy to (or there's a one size fits all solution), but ultimately, you're the one who needs to pull yourself together. You need to change how you're looking at things. It fascinates me how almost everyone is okay with holding on to their excuses not to be better. People will ask for all the advice in the world on their problems, but most won't take it to heart and just keep creating the same problems.

It's a lot more complex than this especially when mental illness is involved. I work directly with mentally ill individuals and I see their struggles and I see how sick they are.

There is not one size fits all and it's easy to say that people just aren't choosing to get better or take advice. However, if you aren't living their experiences you can't say that they aren't trying.

I've seen people struggle here and in real life and I know it's more complex than it's being made out to be here. Maybe it's because I work directly with people who have mental illness so I empathize and understand the complexity.

Whatever it is, I know people try to work through their issues but they meet roadblocks. TH is here to help them through those roadblocks and show empathy and compassion.

[CrusadingAvenger]

To each their own. I suppose a lot of people don't want to accept the truth.

It's evident that you lack the ability to understand the complexity of mental illness. I'm not sure what truth you think 'people' don't want to accept but I can say from experience it's more complicated.

I've struggled with mental illness and I work directly with the mentally ill. Your lack of understanding, compassion and empathy is unnecessary. This is what leads to mental illness being stigmatized and leads to people refusing to seek help for their struggles.

So many people believe it's a matter of pulling yourself up by the bootstraps and it's more complicated than that.

I think you are missing the fact that there are people who have had to deal with extreme trauma and things like that. Those people don't feel sorry for themselves. They have more to process and more to come to terms with. That takes time, patience and understanding. Everyone has to help themselves and the majority of people do but you are disregarding the fact that there are complexities that lead to people taking more time to heal and move forward. It is not a one size fits all like you are making it out to be. It's a combination of helping yourself and learning to navigate things like mental illness and trauma and life. It's actually kind of sad that you cannot acknowledge that it's a complex thing.

I recall you making a post about not judging others. This entire post is full of judgment and shaming. Maybe you should go back and reread what you wrote in your previous post.

I agree, you lack the understanding and empathy in regards of what others have gone through. It takes a lot more work than just "pulling up your bootstraps" as the previous poster has said. Everyone going through life on Earth has vastly different experiences, and a few are easier to recover from while others take years of hard work. They take time with support from mental health professional and trusted friends. It's sure as heck nowhere near "one size fits all" as you seem to be implying, and it's not something you can brush off your shoulder and be done with it in just a day as you also seem to be implying.

We don't want to sit around feeling sorry for ourselves, and it goes so much deeper than that. The hurtful words and actions inflicted upon us by others, whether they be peers or acquaintances or even family members, go so deep. They scar us to the bones and it will take years for them to fade away, if they ever do. But, it's most likely the scars and hurt won't ever diminish; and we sure as hell do want to get better. It's going to take a lot of hard work and support by other caring individuals. We are not feeling sorry for ourselves.

If anything, we feel sorry for our tormentors. For some reason that only God knows, they chose to live life the way they have, inflicting pain upon others. We can only pray for their Judgement day.

So who are you to say we are this or that?

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

There is not one size fits all and it's easy to say that people just aren't choosing to get better or take advice. However, if you aren't living their experiences you can't say that they aren't trying.

Oh boy, that hit me because that was sooo my issue today.

Thank you for sharing you perspective in this piece.

[CrusadingAvenger]

LMAO, I find it so funny y'all so quick to judge me of my "lack of ability to understand mental illness" and to criticize without even looking at what the intent and the deeper meaning is behind my writing. The fact that you're doing just that says a lot.

Then how about you explain it instead of being rude?

Because to me, it looks like you've only been victim shaming and blaming.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

This was lovely and thank you so much for this.

[Odyne]

Lovely! Thanks for sharing.

[taha16]

No pain no gain

[jimrhodes]

I feel better now. Your words will definitely help me

[NeuroBeautiful]

Hi Mark,

I want to start by quoting lines in your poem that I did enjoy.

You have to be the one to save yourself.

You have to be the one to stay strong.

The tone is ambiguous but if I can see the desire to empower a person who feels defeated. It is a stretch for me but I can see the quality of wanting the person to take ownership of their lives and make positive choices. I believe there's a part in each of us who desires this too. Like others have said it is very complex. Not so simple. Learned behavior can be unlearned or reworked to be a healthier choice but underneath behavior is a desire to fulfill a need. No one cries for no reason. I'm happy to discuss the psychology behind this if you wish.

I also want to thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your poem. Your courage to express yourself will undoubtedly enouage others to also share which is what makes the self expression community so beautiful.


Now I'm going to take a risk and be vulnerable myself. It may not be something you want to hear and This is my attempt to open conversation about the content of this poem and the effectiveness of its delivery.

I want to iterate that you did state in hour poem that you did not mean your words in a cold or cruel manner. I acknowledge this and thank you for mentioning this in your piece because it is evidence that argues in favor of good intentions.

I have read a lot of your poems throughout the years and I am very familiar with your writing style. You have a very solution-oriented mindset. Which is an excellent mindset to have.

I think what the others are saying is that one of the downfalls of solution based mindset is that there tends to be an attitude of invalidation that comes along with it.

I imagine that it would be very different if you spoke to a close friend who was struggling and gave a pep talk that had some solution focused attitude incorporated into the speech and you knew this friend responds well to this kind of talk versus if you post a poem for the general mental health population where you have people at very different stages of wellness and recovery.

Attitude and mindset IS important. We also learn in psychology the hierarchy of needs and other models that show we need a sense of safety to do much progress.

Who are we to tell a random teenager living in an abusive home who writes on a support forum that self harm is an escape? or any other similar situation, that it is all in their attitude?

Maybe a young adult in their 20s has the self awareness and cognition to take from this advice what is needed without getting offended. Overall, it is important to take the gentler approach.



The fact is that this is not the best way to deliver a sensitive topic. Not that what you're saying does not have truth. It is the fact that delivery matters because this poem is very "you" oriented, not once do you speak of anything personal. There is no "I feel" or "I think" whatsoever. Which makes it a little hard to understand where this is coming from. Are you frustrated and annoyed? Do you have personal experiences that you learned important lessons from and desire to share? We don't know.

The only time that humanized the speaker of this poem was when you said you were not trying to be cold/were not saying it in a cold hearted way (and then you said something like "but the truth is.." which nearly contradicted your intentions again but gave a slight redemption
We can understand your point of view because this reads a passionate opinion based piece but you do not speak of any personal experiences. The impersonal tone makes it hard to understand the intention. If we heard you say "I went through he'll and back and This is what helped me" I would have an easier time digesting this whether or not I agreed eith you on the advice because I can feel the care and concern for others This poem reads like advice. Well intentioned for sure. I sense some frustration. I also wonder what your goal Is? Is it to get people inspired and moved to change?

Then delivery matters.

I'm not saying this to shame you. My hope is that you can exercise flexibility and a growth mindset to delivering and presenting information in a better way.

Maybe you can clarify for yourself what your goals in sharing this is. Who are you addressing this to? The random user on TH who in desperation for someone to care writes a"My life sucks" kind of post? A close friend? Is this a reminder for yourself? You have a very powerful message you're trying to get across, how you deliver this message carries weight.

This is coming from someone who cane a long way. I'm no longer the random teenager on the internet who cuts herself and cries for help. I'm not proud of the way I behaved. But i also see it coming from someplace. I might even see it as resourceful (if I wanted to stretch my self compassionate muscles)
With the isolation I experienced, I managed to find a community who does care and though no one here can come and save me, I have build a support system who can remind me who I am when I forget and ultimately support me in saving myself.

One of the heart warming things someone said to me was "We will keep offering you the compassion you need until eventually you can give it to yourself". Everyone needs love. Yes helping yourself is important but sometimes we need that modeled to us by having someone help us. No one in this world survives without a little support from others. We are wired to need connection and if we don't have it, we are at risk to not survive because our minds and bodies need it as much as food and water. We need to feel safe, loved and nurtured.

[Kate*]

You may be right, but there are ways to say this that aren't rude, or victim-blaming. If you want someone to be receptive to you, your tone matters. "Tough love" and a "suck it up attitude" will turn most people off. And who are you to come in here and tell anyone how to live their lives?! If people venting and posting here, and then not taking the advice they're given bothers you so much, you're welcome to leave anytime (take your own advice and "take control" of your own life). You say you empathize, but this tells me otherwise.